Question:
I'm considering surgery, but my husband is totally against it?
I have brought up the subject a few times casually with my husband and he practicaly freaks that I would even think of such a thing. Loosing weight is just eat right and exercise. We've been married 10 years and I've yo-yo'd up 75 pounds and it just doesn't seem to end. Any advice or information to research to present this in a positive way? — squirrelgub (posted on April 4, 2007)
April 4, 2007
Well, I STRONGLY encourage you to do your homework, and understand the
process 100%. I am 3 weeks post op on Friday, and I personally believe
this is a VERY GOOD thing for some people. I have never yet encountered
anyone that has any regrets about having the surgery. Yes, it is MAJOR
surgery, and there are risks - and benefits. Obviously for most people the
benefits outweigh the risks. I enourage you to find a local support group,
and attend. Talk with people, learn from the folks on this site, and in
your local community. You WILL ABSOLUTLY need a strong support system. I
wish you the very best - do your homework... then, take your husband to
some of the support groups, and ask him to listen too. I was initially
against the surgery - thinking much like your husband. After I started
learning about the surgery, options, and studying, I signed up. I
personally now belive that FOR ME - this was a very good thing. Good Luck
on your journey.
— jbassett
April 4, 2007
Do your homework and remember that WLS is not a magic pill. WLS is just
like being born or dying basically it's all about you. Hopefully you will
have help and support but for it to work you need to do it for yourself.
— leekenny
April 4, 2007
This surgery is your decision. It would be nice to have your husbands
support but in the end it is about you! Does he stop to think that he
could loose you to a heart attack or a stroke or some other debilitating
disease. WLS is a tool, it is not a magic bullet. Yo-yo dieting can be
hard on your system. WLS makes it a little easier to loose and keep it
off. It takes a lot of exercise and will power but you can do it. I agree
with the others who have answered you, find a support group to attend,
bring your husband with you, I did. Good Luck, and if you do it you won't
regret it!
— Virginia M.
April 4, 2007
I agree with the previous posters. This is YOUR body NOT his. Make sure
you do your homework on the pro's and con's and try to get your husband to
help. If he won't, try counseling. Maybe he is worried that if you loose
all your weight and look totally sexy he will lose you? Either way, 75 lbs
is not going to get you the surgery, you have to have a high BMI in order
to get this surgery.
— crystalsno
April 4, 2007
My husband was the opposite at first. He brought up wls to me. I was
totally against it. I got thinking about it and I start to research about
the surgery and I also join this website. When I went to vist my surgeon
the first time I brought my husband. That way we both can ask questions
and he could hear all the doctor had to say. We also went to local support
groups to hear how people that has already had surgery is doing. The
support goup really help me about being nervous about surgery. I had
surgery Jan 16th. So far Im so glad I had it. I have lost 60lbs and feel
so much better. More it got towards surgery date, my husband was like are
you sure you want to have this surgery. Onething that really help me to
decide to have surgery is that I have lost my mom when she was 52 and my
dad at 63. My mom had alot of health problems and some could have been
caused due to being over weight. I told my husband I dont wont to die
because of my weight and I dont wont to die young. Due to my weight Im not
able to have children. You just need to do alot of researching and join
support groups. It would be great if your husband attend. It is major
surgery. You could have problems down the road. I hope everything goes
good for you. Take care.
— barfiep01
April 4, 2007
Mine was, too! I finally had to tell him how my life really was. Couldn't
cut my toenails, couldn't perform proper hygeine, feet hurt to stand even
first thing, sleep apnea, and so on. He also KNEW I'd been on diets the
whole time we'd been together. He always wanted me to "eat"
dinner with him, even when that dinner was a diet coke only for 7 yrs. He
did seem to "get it" that no matter what I did, I was never going
to maintain a healthy wt. It was hard for him, since he was thin without
effort til he was 40. Then HIS family genetics kicked in and he was morbid
practically overnight. (In his family, the men are morbid and very sick,
the women maintain a reasonable wt.) I said I didn't want to live as I was
BMI 50 (we didn't use BMI's back in those days, 1993), and I didn't want to
live the rest of my life sitting at the table watching my family eat while
I had nothing. He grasped the concept, but still basically accused the doc
of trying to kill me off. Of course, while my before pix show me as kinda
sickly, I was so exhausted that I figured I was going to be bedridden and
die shortly ANYWAY, and frankly, death on the table looked preferable to me
than years as a burden to my family. Not a very positive outlook, huh?
But that IS how I saw it. My ins. was not cooperative, but eventually i
was able to find othr ins. and have the surgery. My husband didn't really
want me to talk about it too much, because he said diet & exericse
would work for some (like he knew anything about it, having never done it
himself!), but I told everyone! LOL Anyway, 1 year after me, he also had
his WLS. Both of us have done well and he beats himself on the head
periodically for initially trying to deny me the chance to have lived this
long, and for both of us to enjoy the grandchildren we'd never have seen
without WLS. My ex, BTW, died at age 49 from complications due to his
obesity, 2 years before our grandson was born. You could show your husband
my post, if you'd like. My husband has coached many reluctant husbands
since he came from that place. Please feel free to email us privately.
— vitalady
April 4, 2007
Hello Tracy,
I suggest checking with local hospitals to see if they have a bariatric
clinic and then sign up to attend an informational seminar with husband in
tow. There are several women whose spouses have objected to the surgery.
For some eating right and exercise doesn't work --even if you are eating
right and exercising. Frankly this is about you and not about him. Yes
acknowledge his fears which are probably due to the past few decades of
horror stories of such surgery and then let him know this is about your
health and your quality of life. Just out right ask him why he freaks when
you bring up the subject. Why wouldn't you think of such a thing? What is
he insecure about? Is he afraid he would have to do some things for a few
weeks that you do everyday? Is he afraid that once you start loosing
weight that he's next? There are many questions that could be asked of him
as to why his objections. Yes concern for your health; however, is the
same concern there if you have the surgey.
I'm 7 weeks out -- no negative side effects and have lost about 40 pounds
and am just as happy as I thought I ever could be. I'm praying that when
my two older sisters see me in June they will be encouraged to have the
surgery.
— the7thdean
April 4, 2007
Which surgery are you thinking about? Gastric bypass or Lap Band? Look into
both options. Lap Band is less invasive and can be controled a little more
and is removable. If you only have 75 pounds to lose, this may be a good
options. I did the lap band and my husband was supportive because he
thought it was less scary :-) He didn't like the idea of gastric by-pass,
that scared him! Good luck!
— Gayelene
April 4, 2007
What your husband doesn't understand is the same thing as many men. Sorry
to generalize guys, but I know alot of men who can skip a couple of meals
and take off 10 pounds. The more you yoyo diet, the harder the subsequent
pounds are to get off. Your body learns to hold onto the fat longer and
harder. Have you gone to some support groups in the area. if he is not
willing to do that, check out the doctors guide to weight loss surgery or
the patient's guide to weight loss surgery or weight loss surgery for
dummies. Leave the book around, my guess is that he will pick it up and
read it when you are not around. The next question is why is he so against
it. Is he scared for your health... the extra weight doesn't scare him or
the health consequences that come along with the extra weight? Or, is he
insecure and feels that if you lose the weight and more physically
attractive that you will leave? Does he have a weight problem? My guess
is no.. as people who don't have weight problems really can't understand
what we go through. Good luck to you... but just remember, in the end all
we have is ourselves anyway... do you want the healthiest you? Or, do you
want to please someone who may not have YOUR best interests in mind? Hope
it works out for you...
I asked my husband for his input and he has alot of questions for your
husband... why wouldn't you want the best for your partner in life? What
is he really scared of? Is he scared of the lifestyle change? Does he
have a weight problem himself? If so, will he be jealous? Is he afraid
that you will get all of the attention? Is he someone who requires being
in the spotlight and can't allow anyone to shine? Find out why your
husband is so against the surgery. Pick a time to bring it up with the
rules in advance of no yelling or "freaking out" That in itself
is a manipulative tool in trying to get your way... a very immature
way..... good luck to you
— Kari_K
April 4, 2007
Tracy,
I can't add much to these posts for you. lots of wonderful and heartfelt
advise here. You said you have been married 10 years. My husband and I will
celebrate our 33rd anniversary on the 14th of April and I had RNY this past
Jan. It took a lot for him to come on board and be supportive but he did it
and he took care of me after surgery. He also has been understanding about
my eating habits now, so have faith, it can be done. Even the most stubborn
of men can make a turn around and see the good side of the surgery and be
helpful. Take heart and go for it. Good Luck on your journey and God Bless,
Norma
— njkbutton
April 4, 2007
At first I didn't think my husband would be supportive. It has always been
easy for him to loose weight (what little he had to loose) so in his mind
he thought all you have to do A B and C and poof the weight is gone.
Obviously not so easy for me. So when I made the decision and he voiced
his fears I had to keep reassuring him why I needed to do this. When I
went to the hospital I took a framed picture of my husband with me and had
it on my hospital table the whole time. He asked me why I brought it and I
told him that he was the reason I made this decision. So I could be
healthier with him and be able to enjoy a long life together. Changed his
whole attitude. Wish I would have put his picture out there months prior.
It just was another way of reassuring him. He has been my biggest
supporter ever since and is very proud of me. BTW we have been married 32
years.
— deeport
April 4, 2007
My wife is a RN and thought me insane when I heard about WLS over nearly 7
years ago. She was sHOCKED my PCP supported the idea, and after seeing my
success she choose WLS too. Make some local post op friends and have
dinner sometime. Thats what convinced jen.
— bob-haller
April 5, 2007
I guess being a nurse helped with my hubby. He had a lot of questions
& I was able to answer them. Besides things like taking him to a
seminar and/or going out with some who have had the procedure, I would
directly ask him what his concerns are. Sometimes it's emotional, there
are a high number of divorces he may be feeling insecure about you leaving
once you loose weight. He may be concerned about complications after
surgery. Until you know why he is so against it you can't help him deal
with it.
— Donna O.
April 5, 2007
Hi Tracy. My husband was not for surgery when I began to research it. It
took over 9 months just to get in to see a surgeon, so he let me wait for
the appointment and do research. I am a Christian Tracy, and believe
strongly in submission to my husband. If something had happened to me in
surgery, if I had a bad turn out, he was the one that would have to take
care of me, he was the one who had to live with the consequences of my
decision. I would never recommend moving forward without your husbands
blessing. I would suggest that you ask him to have an open mind about it
and allow you to do research. Then take his suggestions seriously. Watch
what you eat and exercise. Show him (again) that it does not work for you.
If you have a class at a local hospital, go and attend it every month
(ours is once a month, and required once for a surgeons visit, but I went 9
times, and glad I did). If you can visit a support group, do that and ask
them questions, get books on the subject, there are plenty out there with
good information and pros and cons on both sides. Check with your
insurance and PCM and get their opinions on it. Then you show him that it
isn't just a quick way out, but a lifestyle change that you are willing to
consider. I would also assure him that you refuse to have the surgery
without his full support, even after research and if you both come to
different conclusions. Husbands are very scared of losing their wife's.
It is a real fear, and it is a wise woman who respects that in their
husband. The biggest side affect of wls is not a physical issue, but
divorce. Women change after surgery and dump long and trusting marriages
when they get a figure for the first time (or regain the figure for the
first time in their adult life). This is a real fear to our men. They
need to know we are devoted to them and love them completely. They also
need to know that we trust them, and in order to trust them on this
particular issue, that they need to research it with you, because it really
could be the best thing for you. And wouldn't it be ashame to pass it by
if it was. You be sure to be the one with an open mind. Take him to
dinner, romance him and remind him why you fell in love in the beginning,
support him and encourage him. Then ask him to do the same for you in this
area of your life. Please read my profile, some of my struggles are in
there. I was very glad I waited on my husband's approval. He saw my heart
and my research and diligence. I gave up caffine and soda 6 months before
I had a surgeon visit, 9 months before surgery. That was a big sacrifice
for me. He saw me being serious about it and doing things now. You may
find that you really have the wilpower to diet and exercise. You may find
that he is afraid and more supportive than you think. You will get more
support with honey than with vinegar. Dig out the honey and see what you
come up with? Take care, Patricia P
— Patricia P
April 5, 2007
Keep talking to your husband! There are some good places on the internet. I
can't remember all of the places. I am out 1yr and 1 month. I am sooo glad
I did this RNY! I did it for me,myself and I. If I was back to square one
I would do it again. Just remember the surgery IS A TOOL OWNLY! The
real issues come after surgery! There are pictures, slides, and movies.
Carnie Wilson is one. Lite & Hope.com And of course this is a
wonderful place to get information. I called several places who do this
surgery and they sent information. I have lost 130lbs and I can walk and
shop, drive again,just to be able to take a shower (Long one at that! ) I
have my life to live, and happiness. I can't tell you how much I have
gotten back in Life. Life it self!! You need to work hard, go to
groups,Dr's,Councelers etc. But do this for YOU! No mater what, or who
don't understand how you feel inside. I wish you tons and tons of
Happiness, and wish you GOOD L
UCK! Surgery is a tool. Questions ?? email me! [email protected] Marianne
— mtackett
April 8, 2007
Search it and decide what YOU want to do. I wouldn't even bring it up
anymore. Even after ten years of marriage your husband is probably
insecure. My dr told me the #1 result of this surgery is divorce. I've been
married 18 years and have started to do things my husband doesn't want to
do. example going white water rafting. He is invited then gets mad when I
go without him. HUsbands are funny. Yes there are risks. I tried to have
this surgery 7 years ago and didn't because my husband didn't want it. It
wasn't his back and knees that were hurting. When I finally decided to have
it I laid it out and went forward. I resent that I lost three years of my
life to his insecurity. I had the surgery 4 years ago and don't regret it
at all. Just keep in mind that there will be good stories and bad stories.
It is just like discussing child birth, there is the woman who pushed her
baby out in three pushes and the woman who had labor for 2 days. Every one
is different. If you listen to what can happen and get scared just remember
if you did that about childbirth you'd never have children.
— NikkiKing
April 8, 2007
my husband too was so against this surgery. I have argued about me having
surgery for the last year. A week ago we went to meet with my future
surgeon and she explained to my husband the reasons for having the surgery
and now he is ok with it! Take your husband with you to meet with your
surgeon too!
— conjuringupann
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