Question:
Anyone kept their surgery a secret?
I am only telling a select few about my decision to have surgery. Anyone else done this? If so, any pointers on how to handle people at work and close family members (sisters, parents) who don't know you have had the surgery? — Yowhuzup Y. (posted on February 11, 2001)
February 11, 2001
I told my job and my best friend that I was having abdominal surgery to
remove a bothersome mass and that I would be out for about 2 weeks.
The only person that knows the truth is my husband. Not even my parents or
my children know.
— [Anonymous]
February 11, 2001
Everyone handles this question differently. I, for one, won't lie -- but I
have kept it private and most people don't know what I had done. When
people ask how I'm losing so much weight, I tell them the truth -- that I'm
eating much smaller meals these days, staying away from sugar, bread, and
fried foods, and exercising every day. That is true (not the whole truth,
but it is true). When I actually had the surgery, I found that people
don't need to be told what type of surgery you are having. If they ask,
you could ask them: "Why do you want to know?" This will sit
them back a couple of paces, and also show them that they've crossed a
boundary and asked a personal question. If they rudely persist, just tell
them that you'd prefer to keep that matter private. Some people have their
gallbladders and/or appendix removed along with the surgery so some people
just tell people they had gallbladder surgery -- which is true. This will
give you an explanation for a longer recovery period. My neighbor had her
tubes tied with her WLS. So, there are a number of ways to handle it, just
remember, it is for your health and none of us had it for cosmetic reasons
only -- it is indeed medically necessary for we who were morbidly obese.
Even those you tell about the surgery, emphasize that it is being done out
of medical necessity for your health. Best wishes.
— Cindy H.
February 11, 2001
I tried but since I had prior Heart Surgery most people assumed that I was
having some sort of Heart surgery.
When I got home there prayers left on my answering machinefrom friends, boy
did I feel guilty.
My only reason for keeping quite was I did'nt want to answer all the
questions. I even tried to keep it from my family up to the last minute
they like everyone else assumed it was Heart related.
— Mike H.
February 11, 2001
Hi Linda. I am 5 weeks post-op and have kept the surgery a secret from all
but 2 people- my husband and my mother. I needed to tell my mother because
I have small children and they needed care while I was in the hospital. We
are a very active family and have quite a busy social life and it did get
very tricky, though. My very best friend and my mother-in-law called and
called the week I was in the hospital and was wondering where I was and if
I was okay. Fortunately, I was only in the hospital for 3 days and when I
got home I called and just chalked-up my unavailability to being very busy.
Another sticky point is that early on in the recovery my mother-in-law came
over and I had to get dressed and put on a good front. My husband and
mother are both very supportive and willing to keep my secret. I work very
part time and was able to tell my employer that I would be out of town(the
hospital was!) I told my young children that I was on a trip. One point
that I will mention and you should be prepared is that it is kind of lonely
in the hospital. I wanted my children to continue their routine as much as
possible and felt better knowing that my husband was with them in the
evening. It was a choice that I made and I don't regret it at all. I am
glad that I have kept my secret this far. Some people prefer to be upfront
and shout it to the world and I am very proud of those people. However,
that is not for me and I don't want to answer questions and appear
different than anyone else. I, too explain my weight loss to the fact that
I am eating smaller meals, exercising and doing a little herbal life
(that's my protein drink) All of this works for me. Shelley
— Shelley.
February 11, 2001
Linda, I only told those near and dear to me. Three people at work knew.
Since I've been back to town after the surgery (which was Jan 22) I just
tell inquiring people I had abdominal surgery. I know what you mean
though, it does get kinda tricky. On the way to Mt where I had the surgery
I began talking with a flight attendant while we were grounded for 2 hrs,
she went and got another attendant and I explained the procedure to her as
well: they were enthralled! I can tell complete strangers all about it but
feel nervous telling those who live in the same small town, strange huh?
Well my best to you!
— Gail R.
February 11, 2001
I only told people I felt safe with. I didn't tell my inlaws
until after the fact, and then it was only that I had my gallbladder out
(which is true).
I did tell them a month later when they notice my decidedly
different way of eating:) I am now a year+ out and down 130 pounds
and I tell more people, a little at a time. My side of the family
doesn't have a clue- and I am safer that way, but I can
see a time when I will tell them, now that I am sure this
won't fail like all the other weightloss attempts I have made.
Good Luck!
— M B.
February 11, 2001
I feel the same way shelly does on this one. I will not be telling my
mother because I know she will think it's silly. as for my mother-in-law NO
WAY. As for my children I am telling them that I am having my gallbadder
removed. The only person I have told is my husband. I may tell one other
person but haven't decided yet.
— L. A.
February 11, 2001
When I had my surgery last April, only a few people outside of my immediate
family knew what I was having done. I told my boss at the time, a couple
of trusted colleagues, and no one else. Everyone else got told, "I'm
having some plumbing re-routed", which ends 99.9% of further
inquiries. When people started noticing the weight loss, I started
'fessing up. After all, I didn't think it's anything to be ashamed of. If
you're not comfortable with that, just say, "Yes, isn't it wonderful?
Had the gallbladder out and the weight just falls off, I should have done
this years ago!" Good luck and warm thoughts whatever you decide,
— Cheryl Denomy
February 12, 2001
I have told everyone at work, my family, in-laws and others. Why keep it a
secret? The way I feel, they know we are fat, that is obvious, so why try
to hide it? If I had chemo for cancer, I wouldn't hide that, if I took
insulin for diabetes or high blood pressure medicine, I wouldn't keep that
a secret. The truth is that we are having a "MEDICALLY NECESSARY"
procedure for an illness or disease. But to each his own, I just can't
imagine why anyone would keep it secret. I'm so excited I tell everyone
that will listen.
— [Anonymous]
February 12, 2001
Call me way to vain, but I prefer to keep my surgery a secret. I live in a
corporate world where waif-like women are commonplace and heavy women are
the minority. I'm not interested in the questions and the justifications.
I've only told one person on my job and only because she confided in me she
that she has Hepatitis, I am her manager and sheilded her from her secret
while she underwent treatment. My husband, mother and sister are the only
ones that know. I've not thought of my scheme yet, as my surgery date is
the 26th of February. I suppose everyone else will think I'm having some
corrective surgery for Reflux or my gallbladdar removed. I'm so glad you
asked this question, I feel like such a sneak but I feel compelled to not
have my business disclosed. (Oh my God, look how skinny she's getting,
yes, I heard she had that surgery Carnie Wilson had...) I'm just not ready
to be the topic for watercooler conversation. I will, however, share with
them my 'diet' of Low fat, hi protein and limited portioned meals, lol.
Good luck on your decision!
— corpdiva2006
February 12, 2001
I was so glad to hear that there are many other people who didn't tell
others about the surgery. I thought that I was the only one. So many
people on here seem to want to shout from the rooftops about the surgery
and that is great. I just didn't feel like constantly answering questions
about it, hearing about all of the things that could go wrong etc. I had
made my decision and that was that. After two years, I still am very
discriminatory about whom I tell. Mostly, I just tell people that I eat
high protein, low carbs, exercise ALOT and drink lots of water. As for the
surgery, I told everyone I was having my gall bladder out (which was the
truth). At this point people are telling me that I look anorexic from
dieting so I can't imagine what I would hear if I told them about the
surgery. To me, some things are just better left unsaid but, saying that,
I DO tell some overweight people that ask me how I lost. I feel that if
they are sincerely looking for a way, it's only fair that I tell them what
they can do to live a healthy life but again, I am discriminatory about who
I tell.
— Barbara H.
February 13, 2001
Hi - I'm going for my 1st consultation visit Friday. I have only told my
sons and my three best friends. I do not intend to tell my co-workers or
parents. I like the gal bladder thing. If I have to have mine removed I
will use that. My office is curious because I told them I might be having
surgery in May. (I hope I can!) I don't want to argue, be asked
questions, etc. - so I think this is the best option for me.
— Connie Z.
February 13, 2001
I won't be telling anyone about my surgery when/if I have it. It is
nobody's business but mine. I don't want people asking me every 20 minutes
what I'm doing, or how I'm doing. And if, God forbid, it doesn't work, at
least people won't know I had it done.
— defatbroad
February 13, 2001
Sorry, but I am a "rooftopper". My success and total honesty
about my surgery helps to educate society that morbid obesity is a terminal
disease, just like cancer, leukemia, etc. Surgery is a treatment just like
chemo in my opinion.<br><br>I attended a computer training
class yesterday, and one of the class members shouted, "OMG you're
getting so skinny!" when I walked in. I hugged her neck and the
overweight instructor said, "Oh please share your secret with
me!" I did, and her response was, "Oh that is so drastic, I
can't imagine doing something like that." I proceeded to tell the
whole story about medical necessity, how you wouldn't refuse treatment for
any other terminal disease, etc., etc., and she had a new perspective by
the end of the conversation. She even asked for my surgeon's phone
number.<br><br>Telling or not telling is a very personal
decision, but I wanted to share my reasons for being brutally honest and
vocal. I appreciate the same from others when inquiring about things that
will change your life forever. Good luck in whatever you choose to do.
— [Deactivated Member]
February 13, 2001
I told my parents, sister, and maybe 2 friends. I did not tell any inlaws
or other friends. I did have to have my gall bladder removed and used that
to a few people, but they couldn't understand why I would be in the
hospital for so long and have such a long recovery. I am also starting to
have second thoughts about keeping it a secret because this surgery saved
my life and I feel funny when people ask HOW I lost so much weight and
didn't give the credit where it belongs. When I do see my inlaws next, it
will be pretty obvious that I have lost weight. It's only been 5 months
and I lost 80 pounds. Imagine after 1 year. I know they will ask how I
did it and I don't want to tell them. I'm still not sure what I will say.
— Dana H.
February 13, 2001
Boy, I told everybody that I was thinking about this. I even stopped in to
tell my hairdresser so he wouldn't hear it from someone else first. I can
understand being reluctant though. I've had some pretty negative reaction
and lots of people giving me the same advice that never worked before (if
one more person tells me to join weight watchers...)
My biggest reason for telling people is that I don't want to perpetuate the
myth that I just started living a better lifestyle. Whenever I try to tell
people that morbid obesity isn't cured by things like weight watchers, they
tell me about someone who has had great success. I wonder often if these
people had a secret WLS. I want everyone to know that the diets and
exercise didn't work and that surgery was the ONLY way for me to lose.
Just my opinion. :)
— kcanges
February 13, 2001
I too have only told a chosen few. You are probably like so many of us that
have been so hurt and are so tired of people treating us like we are less
important, smart, beautiful etc. My decision was based on the fact that my
mother in law is so obsessed with the fact that her son married a "fat
woman". Never mind the fact that I am a good, kind hearted, loving
mother, or that I am very good to her son and he is happier now than he has
ever been. As you can tell, I am bitter and have every right to be. Just as
you have every right to your privacy. You know what is best for you and
when you are ready to tell people you will. As for me, I can't wait till
the Christmas season so I can glide into the room wearing the tightest
outfit I can find and just turn around and walk away when She asks me
"HOW HAVE YOU LOST SO MUCH WEIGHT?!!! I won't give her the time of day
then just as she won't give it to me now. Good luck and BIG HUGS. Lap RNY
12-27-00 41 pounds gone.
— [Anonymous]
February 13, 2001
Yes, I have keep my surgery a secret from some, My X boyfriend of 20 years
and his Mother and some people I worked with, I really was not sure of the
results of the surgery, and I was not going to say anything to anybody
until I saw some good results, well now that I have some wonderful results,
I am not sure who to tell and who not to tell, My family was very
supportive. I do see my X every now and then as I visit my son sometimes in
Chicago, But someday coming up,I will tell. It is a personal preference.
— peaceangel58
February 13, 2001
My parents are deceased, I have only told my sister, my husband and one of
two of my best friends. I will only tell my other best friend after. I
haven't told either of my two brothers. I have no problem discussing WLS
with strangers but for some reason speaking to the rest of my family and
friends about it seems totally out of the question. I have some really
uppity family members and I have no intention of sharing this with them.
My surgery isn't until next week but if after I lose weight and another
overweight person asks me how I did it I will surely let them in on my
secret. The decision to do this is a personal one and the decision to
share it is just as personal. It may be fine for some, just not for me.
— JacquiL
February 13, 2001
I, too, am keeping my surgery a secret. I have told my husband, of course,
and 1 friend. I will tell my employer and close friends that I am having a
cyst removed from my abdomen. Hopefully, that will explain the long
hospital and recovery. I feel like I just don't want to hear it and how
bad it is for you. I know it is right for me, so I am going for it. Hope
this helps. :-)
— [Anonymous]
February 13, 2001
I am keeping my surgery a secret from many people and my employer. My
immediate family knows and is in support of me having the surgery. My
father does not like to talk about it, he thinks it is dangerous. MY
mother had been pushing mne for a few years to have the surgery. When the
time comes for my employer's benefit, I will have a gall bladder attack and
have to have emergency surgery and will conveniently be out of work for 4-6
weeks. I am choosing not to tell them for two reasons. 1) I work with all
men who are cut throat and very gossipy (worse than women) 2) I work in
sales, so I don't want my personal problem to be public knowledge. If I am
not producing, that affects my whole team and my numbers, and commissions
etc. So I have chosen to keep it secret from anyone at work, even HR.
They don't have to know my personal medical issues. The rapid weight loss
will go along with having your gall bladder removed. I wish I could tell
them, but it's too risky that it could turn in to a gossip fest or looked
upon as selfish. I have chosen to tell one friend out of state, and a
close friend and her husband. That's it!!
— Julie C.
February 13, 2001
I hate to say this, but I WISH I had kept mine a secret from my family and
a few of my friends, they've been TOTALLY unsupportive with the exception
of my husband and one really close friend (who's actually having the
surgery relatively the same time I am). I don't have to handle telling
people at work, I've been unable to work for quite some time now because of
my weight, but in my friends case, she is going to tell her work when she
gets her surgery approval, like any other medically nessicary thing, it's
none of their business until it's time to deal with it. However, if you
work in an easy going company, telling them might not be so bad, they may
support you in your decision, but why tell someone in advance who would
have NO CLUE as to what you're going through and scold you for "taking
the easy way out" who's going to try to deny you the leave of absence
for "cosmetic" surgery? (Ok I'm a pesimist) Good luck! =)
After surgery though (because I can't tell in the post if you're a pre op
or post) I think if people have to ask, I'd just tell them you went on a
really good diet =) Or have a really good plastic surgeon? =)
— Elizabeth D.
February 13, 2001
I saw that you got alot of responces to your question but wanted to add
mine becasue I've been on both sides of the equation. My sister had the
surgery in 2/99 and told us she had polups on her stomach. Of course we
were all very worried that she had cancer. She started at approx. 290 lbs
and had never been less than a 14 since she was 13. Dieting had been very
difficult. All of the sudden she started staying away from the family,
even the ones she had been close to. I didn't see her for a couple of
months and she was hardly recognizible now a size 10 - I would have been
happy for her EXCEPT I was terrified for her. She lost 170 lbs in 7
months. I thought she either was dying from cancer or was anorexic (but
even then how did she lose so much so fast?) I was so worried, but even
then she wouldn't tell. She just said she wanted to be a 4 or 6.
Finally, about 1 1/2 years after the operation she told me. I finally
understood but felt lied to. I was overwieght too and was amazed that she
could have found an answer and not shared it. I ended up having the
surgery 10/00 and its been great. I tell people when they ask what I've
done to lose weight that I had to have surgery because I had a genetic
medical problem problem that they've fixed so now I can eat smaller
protions and not be hungry all the time. I also exercise. If they ask
more, I tell them that I had surgery because my stomach was 3 times the
size of a normal stomach (from my surgeon's) and that I was always hungry.
I say that my stomach is now very small but that in a year of so I'll be
able to eat a normal small portion. I also say that my doctor showed me
reports that my chances of losing weight were 1 in 10,000 without the
surgery (from the NIH report). I tell them that it was a hard decision(it
was) but that I'll now have a much healthier life and will probably live
longer.
I tell them the truth because of the hurt my sister caused by not
trusting people enough to tell them.
— Marilyn M.
February 14, 2001
For my job I think it's legally nessacery for me to advise them that I have
a disability and that under the Americans with Disabilities act they must
make accomadations for me to have this surgery and cannot fire me if I'm
out for more then the vacation time I have schedualed. I wish I didnt have
to disclose anything but the protection the ADA gives you is very good nd
will protect my job.
— Mark B.
February 14, 2001
I have thought about this alot. I'm just starting the process so I haven't
told anyone but my husband, son, daughter and little(46 year old) sister
that I'm working toward doing this. They all support me because they
understand - Except for my sister, they've all lived through all my failed
diet attempts through the years.
I haven't decided about the rest of the family. Probably won't tell them
until after it's over in any event.
I'm not going to tell my employer - luckily my insurance is through my
husband's employer not mine.
(I like the "plumbing" story posted earlier. I think I'll use
that.) Besides, they don't need to know. To a large extent I think this is
because I'm embarrassed that it has come to this. I'm working with a
therapist about these feelings.
— Rachael L.
February 14, 2001
I am in the early stages of this.I dont have a consult until 7/25/01. I
have descided to only tell a few,my son and daughter a couple of
friends,one from work,whom I trust.I have made this discision and I dont
want to be discouraged about it. The ones that I have told will be
supportive of me.I will tell people at work as I drop the weight.
— [Anonymous]
February 14, 2001
I just could'nt skip by this question without added my 2cents worth. I
deeply believe in HONESTLY and that I did. (I first told Sam/spouce and his
mother she wasnt supportive at first, but then since she lives with us she
had no choice but to accept it because I knew I was going thru with it) I
knew because of my health related illness's that I had no other choice but
to tell my family and employer if I wanted to live. I was awfully afraid
to say anything to anyone because at first I felt like a FAILER AGAIN,
LOSER, FAT NO GOOD WOMAN THAT CANT EVEN DO A DIET RIGHT......But I prayed
for the strenght that I needed and I got the strenght, My first Appt was
Nov 17 with my surgion and at THANKSGIVING our Family had a get together
(remember I am the Baby of 8) I sat down while everyone was together and I
finialy told them of all my health problems, (Sleep Apnea, Acid
reflex,high cloristriol,servre pain in hips, knees, and ankles. How my
carpul tunnel is driving me up the walls and I cant continue to live in
this pain and agney any longer. At first they kinda felt OH MY GOD JAY IS
FALLING APART. Than I mention that my surgion has given me HOPE and that
is to have the GASTRIC BYPASS SURGERY. Silence was golden but very
rewarding everyone started asking questions, and I answered what I could,
and than I heard them all say we will support you in your dicission and if
there is anything they could do to help me to let them know. This took a
TON of WEIGHT OFF MY SHOULDERS. I THANKED MY GOD FOR BEING THERE AND
HELPING WITH THIS.... My next approach was with my supervisor I again
prayed for the guidance and I sat up my appt because she is really busy, it
was only a couple of days wait. I first approached her with the sleep
Apnea, and the sevre pain in my body. Matter of fact I have a copy of my
sleep apnea test that I carry with me because people probably wouldnt
beleive that I stoped breathing 67 times per hour unless they read it for
them selfs. I couldnt believe it myself. Anyways she read it and of
course I got all teary eyes because than I said I have to make a Major
dicission in my life and reality I need her help. I needed to know that
after 22yers service that I would be granted the time off work, and how bad
I felt I needed off since we just had a merger, but somehow she was very
understanding and she only weights maybe 100 lbs......but she under stood
because of the health problems that I really had to choose If I choose to
live. I also asked hEr if anything was to happen and I didnt make it.
Could she help Sam with getting my life insurance stuff. I also mention
how important my job is and I hated to be off work. truely I do love my
job, It can be a pain but I love the money and benifits..... Anyways I
strongley believe that since I prayed for the stenght and courage that my
GOD help me with people that I thought it wouldnt have been totally
impossible to talk too. jUST ASK GOD AND HE WILL GUIDE YOU IN WHAT TO
DO...GOD BLESS YOU REMEMBER DREAMS DO COME TRUE FOR THOSE WHO
BELIEVES...^j^
— jay B.
February 14, 2001
When I first started this, I felt funny about telling people. I didn't
think it was their business and when I started getting skinny, I didn't
want new people to ever know I was previously fat. But the sticky part has
been with people who know me ... I couldn't hide that 100 extra pounds when
I had it on me, and I couldn't hide it when it was gone too ... so of
course they are wondering what is happening with me. I have had people ask
me if I am sick. Other people have assumed it's because I divorced my
beast of an exhusband and I am finally happy. I had the saleslady at Eddie
Bauer (where I have gone for new outfits every size smaller that I got)
comment on how great I look and was shocked when I told her how I'd done
it. She had a lot of questions to ask me, and called another saleslady
over who wanted to know more. Both of them commented that they had
friends/relatives/neighbors, etc. who would benefit GREATLY from this
information. I wonder if the word did get back to them. I hope it did,
that is the reason I talk about it now. Because I heard NOTHING about this
surgery until I accidentally stumbled onto this website about 11 months
ago. If I'd known earlier, I can only imagine how different things would
have been for me. So I tell people ... because there is a chance that it
could help someone THEY know, if not them. And I've finally accepted that
yes, I WAS fat, but I'm not now. In fact, I'm pretty durn skinny! :)
Sorry so long, I hope this helped you somewhat.
— Beth B.
February 14, 2001
I always find the answers to this question very interesting, and when I was
pre-op, I was very grateful to hearing others' opinions on the subject.
When I was pre-op I made the conscious decision to tell a very select few
people. I told my parents (who were not supportive but this was no
surprise). I also told 3-4 very close friends and that was all. And with
the exception of one friend who was with me throughout the whole process, I
only told the others about the surgery just before it happened. I wanted
their prayers. I also told my pastor. I work for a small company, and did
not want my WLS to become a point of gossip or second guessing my decision.
Only my boss knew. When the time came I told people I was having surgery,
but did not reveal what kind. I was very fortunate because not a single
person asked. When I came back to work everyone asked me if everything
went well. They showed concern but did not get nosy. And if they had, my
response would have been that it was a personal matter. With me it was not
a question of honesty, but rather I have dealt with people's ignorance
about obesity all my life, and I did not want their ignorance to deter me
from what I knew I had to do for myself and my life. My process was a
quick one - it was only a 3 month period from my first consult to the
actual surgery. The time before the surgery was rather intense, and I did
not have the time or strength to deal with other's ignorance on the
subject. Now that I am 9 months out, I still do not discuss it at work and
still no one has asked me about it. But I do know through the grapevine
that my weight loss has been noticed. (I have lost 100 pounds so how could
it not.) At church I have been VERY open about it. People there have been
wonderfully supportive and I have used this as an opportunity to discuss
WLS and its benefits. The bottom line is that you have to do what is in
your best interest. The best advice I can give is that you should take
your time and think about the ramifications carefully before saying
anything. Once the cat is out of the bag there's nothing you can do. But
telling people as you feel comfortable - when, where and how you choose -
is the way to go. You will know when the time feels right. Good luck!
— Paula G.
May 10, 2001
I have not yet had surgery but at this point, I really do not want to
discuss this with anyone I know except my husband. I do not want to tell
other family members (I have no children) or tell friends. I am not
ashamed nor do I feel I would be taking the easy way out of obesity by
having surgery. It is clear to me that having the surgery and making the
lifestyle changes forever will be no easy process and I am comfortable with
the reality of that. But I am unwilling to deal with the negativity and
knowing that others will be making judgments about things that are not only
NOT their business but are based on ignorance. I live in small town where
I am well known and in the medical profession which is notoriously
gossip-loving. I do not want to have to explain my decision even once to
people who are not going to understand anyhow. These are, of course, the
same people who would shake their heads if I died suddenly of a heart
attack and say to each other, "She should have known this was going to
happen if she were that obese."
I frankly do not mind being cagey with anyone who asks how I have lost
weight. If I have surgery, I would simply tell them that I made a decision
to limit what and how much I eat; that it was necessary. If anyone would
ask if I had had surgery I would carefully reply that making diet changes
became a necessity, without feeling dishonest. I realize that this can
perpetuate the myths about obesity being a choice but it just doesn't seem
worth it to me to go public. See, I lived through the Optifast program for
a year and lost 150 pounds. When people asked how I was losing weight and
I told them, I watched them make judgments that "this is never going
to work." When I moved to another city and folks asked how I had lost
weight I simply replied, "Diet and exercise." Which was true.
But I am glad there are those of you out there that are carrying the
message of WLS.
I believe that this IS my decision and no one else's business and I do not
have to make excuses. But I have lived long enough to know that when some
one starts challenging a decision of mine, it becomes important to me that
they UNDERSTAND my rationale. And I just don't want to go through it. I
would like to hear from others who have made this decision to stay
undercover.
— Anndrea H.
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