Question:
What do I say to my daughter when she says....to me?

I've written about this a little, before. I am scheduled for surgery on July 18th. Dr. insists patients loose wt prior to surgery. I have lost 25 lbs in 5 wks.(at a stand still now). I have lost very large amts of wt before and kept it off for very long periods of time (17 yrs). My daughter saw all of this and knows that I have lost 25 lbs now. She first said "Mom you don't need this surgery. You did it before, you can do it again!" We went back and forth on this issue. I made up my mind that I am going to have the surgery. Now, my daughter calls me the other night and says: "Mom, if you have this surgery just cause you want to loose your wt this way, I will NEVER forgive you!" I was shocked! I did not know what to say, so I said nothing. PLEASE if anyone can help me w/ this, I'd really appreciate it if you'd let me know!! (I feel very guilty now that she's said that to me).    — kathy S. (posted on June 16, 2000)

June 16, 2000
I misquoted my daughter in my message. She said: "mom, I will NEVER forgive you if you die as a result of choosing surgery as a way to take off wt." (she is an adult)
   — kathy S.

June 16, 2000
I have a 22 yr old daughter and she was supportive but a little frieghten of the procedure, but she was there for me and still is I am 10 weeks post op. You need to let her know that it's a decision that you've made and that you hope that she will understand your side of the issue. It's a personal decision and one only you can make. Tell her that you would love to go into surgery with a positive attitude and her support, it does more for you than anything else. Good luck
   — ann A.

June 16, 2000
Kathy, You come across as a very giving, honest person. I'm so sorry that your daughter is so frightened of your decision to have wls that she's hurting you so much with her comments. We all know that you would love to have her support and understanding in this, but please remember that YOU'RE the mom and SHE'S the daughter, and you don't need her "permission" to do act on your decision. You have lived in your body for ??? years...she hasn't. She's seen your successes but she's also seen your failures. She's got to have felt your pain and frustrations at times too. She's simply scared for you at this point. Surgery seems so "drastic" to people, but it is (more often than not)not something we would choose if we believed that we could "heal" ourselves. My cousin was scared for me too...scared that (with the surgery) I'd "get sick". I reminded her that I was already "sick"...I had high-blood pressure and diabetes...pain from gallstones that were caused by years of yo-yo dieting...arthritis and consistant pain in my knees and back. My life was threatened everyday because my excess weight could cause a heart attack or stroke. I had been overweight for better than 30 years...I simply didn't have another 30 years to continue to try to lose the weight and keep it off by the same old conventional methods that may or may not have worked in the past. I'd abused my body with every new "medication" or diet product that came out. But I KNEW that I couldn't lose weight and keep it off by myself anymore. My body had changed to the point that it was impossible for it to work the way that it was supposed to work to enable practically any weight loss. This surgery gave me a brand new hope. A hope that finally I would be able to live the life that I'd put on hold for all those years. It fixed my body so it would "work" again...and I COULD lose the weight. I know her attitude right now must be heartbreaking for you, Kathy, but you have to be honest with yourself and do what you feel is best for you. Good luck and God bless. I'll be praying for you. cj
   — cj T.

June 17, 2000
Kathy: I hate to see it when people use this type of manipulation by guilt. Relatives are good at this sometimes. I'd tell her that I love her and always will but I am doing this because I know in my heart that it is the best thing for me to do at this stage of my life. I will be a better mother, wife, friend, etc. without all this excess weight and the health problems attributed to it. (You know, you could turn the tables on her and be manipulative right back - but I wouldn't recommend it!) She's obviously acting out of fear and I can understand that - but if she cannot give you support right now - then perhaps you can give her some support. This is the exact reason that I didn't tell too many people about the surgery - I didn't want to have to handle their negativity when I was dealing with my own apprehensions (which we all have). I am about 2 and 1/2 months post op and feel absolutely great. Lots of energy, putting "too big" clothes in a pile for later distribution to someone else, finding the joy of being able to eat small meals or even sometimes forgetting to eat for hours! This is so amazing and cool and I am so glad I had this surgery. I had no problems after the surgery except for one day of bad, bad pain. I had open RNY and appendix removal, incisional hernia repair (from gall bladder) and a vagotomy. Four surgeries at once! And things went great!!!! This is truly a blessing from God that we can have an option such as this surgery. Modern medicine is wonderful and I thank the Lord that man has progressed to this point in my lifetime and yours. May He bless you and your family as you look forward to this lifesaving surgery! (Perhaps she could look at it as 'lifesaving' instead of 'lifethreatening'. The Problems of Morbid Obesity are what's 'lifethreatening.') Best wishes my friend.
   — Cindy H.

June 17, 2000
Kathy I am so sorry that your daughter doesn't want to see you healthy or living a healthy life. You know my son 10 yrs old said mom I don't want you to have this surgery. I just told him that I need to do this for my self. Kathy this is something you need to do for yourself. You are not going to please everybody and everybody is not going to support your decision about having the surgery. You just got to tell her that you are doing this for yourself and if she doesn't support you then too bad. You lived most of your life taking care of her now it is time that you took care of your self. Of course you lost weight before but it didn't stay off. At least with the surgery you have a better chance of keeping it off. I am sure we all have lost a large amount of weight in our lifetime but found ourselves gaining the weight back and then some. Good luck to what ever you decided.
   — Sharon T.

June 17, 2000
You are the adult and the grown up even if you say she's an adult. Your daughter is obviously a mother in training (learning how to lay on the guilt). Reassure her and take her to a support group meeting immediately! Tell her that you are doing this regardless of her approval, but her support would make it easier for you. If you die from this surgery, she needs to know that she had nothing to do with it and it was your decision completely. Right now, your daughter is being very selfish instead of loving and supporting you. She is lashing out and you are falling for it. DON'T.
   — [Anonymous]

June 18, 2000
Dear Kathy, First of all, I want to say that I know that your daughter "does" want to see you happy and healthy and that the only reason she is saying this is because of worrying about her mom and the great love she must have for you. The only other reason might be jealousy but you did not say whether she is a large woman or not also. I honestly feel that if she could come to the doctor with you, meet other postop patients at a support meeting, and be very very informed, she would see that the odds of anything bad happening to you are extremely thin and the odds of you living a full life after surgery are extremely good. There are risks that all of us take every day in our lives. We fly in airplanes, drive cars, smoke, eat things that the government says could cause health problems etc. The odds are the same or less for WLS and once it's done and over with, you don't have to ever take that risk again. I am not an overly religious person, but I honestly feel that when it's our time, it's our time and nothing and no matter where we are, is going to change that. It's fate and written already in the stars. I don't mean that we should tempt fate but aren't you doing that already by living so many years with this weight? Also, the more diets you go on, the more you put your health in jeopardy. This is a well known fact. Let your daughter know that you understand her worries but that you have to now live for yourself....it's time. We as mom's have always lived our lives for the kids,.....it's your turn now.
   — BARBARA R.