Question:
Why do I feel compelled to eat like a pre-op? (long - need help!)

Oh, I need help. I have avoided posting to the site or update my profile because I'm so upset with myself. I had open RNY on my 30th birthday, March 20, 2003. I've lost 65 pounds, and for the life of me, I don't know how I've done it. I have problems with getting enough water in, all protein supplements are intolerable, and I'm sick of string cheese. Immediately post-op I was angry at myself for having the surgery and watched the Food Network non-stop. Mind you, I hate fancy foods with weird ingredients, so I don't know why I was watching. I stuck with my surgeon's 6 week plan for the most part - I never could get the 64 ounces of water, nor the 79 grams of protein my height requires. Since then, I've discovered that the adverse reactions to various foods are not enough of a deterrant for me. Spending ungodly amounts of time cramping on the toliet is apparently not enough to keep me from overeating. After discovering that I can eat the same foods as before, why can't I be satisfied with a few bites? Why do I feel compelled to eat as much as I can? I'm in constant panic that I will stretch my pouch out. In my mind, I know that even at my worst I'm not eating nearly as much as I could pre-op, and I don't graze all day like I used to. For instance, I generally eat a piece of string cheese for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch, and a 'normal' dinner such as a small bowl of chili. However, when faced with something I want, look out! I had a 6 ounce filet mignon the other night, and even though it took 25 minutes, I ate the whole thing. I was very uncomfortable, but ate it anyway. Please, don't criticize, you can't say anything I haven't told myself, but offer any help or suggestions. Any others out there ashamed of the way they've behaved post-op? I researched this surgery for nearly 2 years and swore I was going to be a picture perfect patient that used this tool correctly. How can I get back on track? A big thing is the selection of foods...I like very plain meat-and-potatoes type meals. I enjoy meaty casseroles and of course am still addicted to carbs...help help please    — vittycat (posted on June 18, 2003)

June 18, 2003
Hey girl. I have long hesitated to post this, but if you can brave it, so can I. I feel EXACTLY like you. My open RNY was 9-30-02, and I'm down from 264 to 161. I behave in the same way you described, and I NEED HELP TOO. I love looking good and feeling good (except for the back pain that won't go away), but inside I'm like a pre-op and I hate myself because of it. I'm terrified of what will happen. Can't wait to see your answers, and thank you for helping me to get the courage to post this.
   — Lesa H.

June 18, 2003
Oh Krista and Lisa... help is here!! I went through the same thing and here's the help: STOP PANICING! You are pushing yourself into losing control! :~) I'm not critizing, I am just telling you what I have discovered by doing the exact same thing. I am 18 months out and STILL feel guilty if I eat something not on the diet plan (I went through a terrible Coconut Zinger phase! And Swiss Rolls, real ice cream, chocolate, you name it! I probably ate it!) I never was able to get all the protien and water in at the stage you are in. I STILL don't always get it all in. That Filet Minon was actually a GOOD thing! 25 minutes is a bit too fast... but hey, you were eating protien! Just make it take an hour to eat it, okay? Even if you take a bite and walk around chewing it for 3 seconds... at least wait for a few minutes before taking the next bite. It sometimes takes me FIVE HOURS to eat half a boneless, skinless chicken breast. That's okay, though. My dietician told me that she would rather me eat that filet minon, zinger, swiss roll, whatever, but to not gulp it down or fill my pouch to the point of pain. I am a big time "mouth feel" person now... I used to shovel it in but have learned to make myself really enjoy each bite, each sip. It seems like, in my case and it sounds like in your case, my body went through carb withdrawal and I HAD to have more, just to ease the emotional pain and craving. Let yourself have some of those forbidden foods, but control it... don't let it control you. Say to yourself: Yeah, boy! That cake sure looks good! Yum! Do I really want it? Nahh..." and then walk away. You might come right back to it and that's okay! Look at it... take one bite... enjoy the heck out of that one bite! Then throw the rest out into the grass so the birds can enjoy it with you. Remember, your food will NOT run away!! It is going to stay on that plate, in that bag, in that bottle, whatever, until you eat it... so, it takes you five months to eat a box of zingers... BIG DEAL! If you constantly deprive yourself, you will fall and fall hard. You have managed to catch yourself early, and that is fantastic! What you are going through is something I call "Mind Hunger". Battling that is horrific until you decide to take control. This is the point that makes or breaks you and reaching out for help is the best thing you could have done. People on this site told me the exact thing I am telling you when I was at this stage. Read my profile for tons more help and email me if you need ideas for what to eat that tastes just as good as those other treats, but I have managed to make them lower in sugar and higher in protien! I make a sugar-free, low fat, high protien chocolate cake that is out of this world! Oh yeah! It is possible!! If you find yummy substitutes like that, the real thing isn't necessary nor craved! LOL!! Now, if I want that coconut macaroon (I can't make those... darn it... I've tried, too!), I have one!! One is enough when I make it last for fifteen minutes, and all fifteen minutes is with that whole macaroon in my mouth! lol! I have had to make myself graze all day again, but I graze with insight and understanding that it is okay and I can do this and keep it in control. The only person who can help you control yourself is yourself. You can get sympathetic ears here, and trust me, there are more of us out here going through the exact same thing you are, and they are just as scared, than you realize. The way I eat just amazes my nutritionist. Yet, I am still losing weight, very healthy, and I can have what I want, when I want... I just don't go nuts over it anymore. (I am down 210 lbs at 18 months post-op... I still have about 30-40 lbs to go, and that is lose skin that is actually tightening up by itself!!). I limit myself to one slice of bread per day. If I eat that slice in four pieces at four different times of the day, that's okay! I just make sure I load those four squares with either a tablespoon of peanut butter and a teaspoon of jelly or apple butter, etc, or toasted cheese (makes it yummier and feels decadent!), a slice of cheese and a teaspoon of peanut butter, or toasted with a tablespoon of cream cheese, or a slice of some kind of meat... the possibilities are endless!! Email me if you want to talk more... okay?? I can give you so many more ideas... I just don't know what you really like to eat... because I can sure give you good alternatives that will make you a believer! :~) lol! Those meat and potatoes meals are awesome!! AND good for you!! But, if you don't eat your meat, you can't have any potatoe... or pudding! lol! Milk is a great protien drink. It gives you lots of yummie fullness, 9 grams of protien per cup of skim milk, fewer in calories than a lot of other drinks, doesn't taste like gross vitamins (I can't handle that... gaaagh!), and it has the calcium we need so desperately so our bodies don't start losing bone mass instead of fat. I drink, literally, a half-gallon of milk a day. I can't stand water... gahhhgh! I do make myself drink other, sugar free stuff though. Or eat ice... Sugar free Bomb popsciles are my constant companions! Also, I have to drink and eat... I can't take this not being able to drink between bites. I just make sure I only drink a small sip...and keep it in my mouth for a while! It doesn't hurt and it sure helps! Just keep it in control!! Hugs, sisters... I'm right there with you all!! I went through massive bouts of feeling ashamed until I decided to re-take control... it is the hardest thing I have ever done... the surgery was nothing compared to taking control of yourself. Does that help any??
   — Sharon M. B.

June 18, 2003
Krista-I'm right there with you. I'm 2 years post op but haven't lost any weight in 10 months. I'm down to 170 from 311 but feel like I could be right back at 311 any moment. I am really struggling. I seem to go in cycles. I get on track for a couple of weeks and then start slipping and eat terribly for 2 weeks. One thing that did help me get back on track was going to full liquids for 4 days. It was really hard but it helped me feel more in control and I was able to "detox" from the carbs. I'm thinking of doing it again. I refuse to go back to the way things were--I like it too much here under 200 pounds! I don't know what it will take to get you back on track, but don't give up! We went through too much to give up! Hang in there. Brenda
   — Brenda H.

June 18, 2003
Hi Dont feel bad. I am still pre op but what you are going thru is my worst fear. My comfort is food. I used food for everything and if I cant have it, I feel depressed and denied and resentful. I think that is where the shrink is going to come in for me. It is probably like that for you. Thats the part that the surgery cant change. So for me, that will be the hardest part of all. You are not alone. But I know you can do this.
   — Donna W.

June 19, 2003
First, I commend you for reaching out for help. Thats the 2nd step, the first was recognizing you need help. You've lost weight so far because the first 6 months or so, we all lose weight no matter what or how we eat. The pouch rules, which are urged from day 1 is to get you in the habit early post-op because when you are a year or more post-op, you need them. I'm 16 months post-op and a believer in eating what I want. As with so many, I have issues with food too, obviously its how I got obese to begin with-food is my comfort and sugar and carbs were my diet pre-op. Denying myself those comforts led to frustration, guilt when I ate them anyways, stress etc, etc. Attempting to be picture perfect is unrealistic-not too many can claim to be picture perfect. Why not strive to be normal instead? Set up some reachable goals for yourself. For example, limit your meals to no more than 10 minutes-what you can eat in 10 minutes comfortably is it. In restaurants, have them bring you 1/2 a meal and box up the other 1/2 before it gets to the table (if its not in front of you, you can't eat it!). Eat protein first for every meal, then veggie and if some room, a bite or two of carb. I usually don't have room left. Save a few hundred calories a day for treats/snacks. I'm a night eater and got downright tired of trying to exert self-control and not eat at night. So now, I save a few hundred calories and after dinner, I allow myself a snack size mini candy bar, or a few cookies (I buy the mini snack size packs of cookies so that I don't have a whole bag of cookies in the house). And best of all-no guilt! Its so freeing. As for water, carry a darn water bottle with you everywhere. It never leaves my side and other than 1 cup of coffee in the am, its all I drink. You'd be amazed at how much you drink that way. And exercise-hope you are doing it. Daily heart pumping exercise will help to burn calories and allow you to eat more! Also, reach out to members of your support group. Perhaps someone will agree to be your buddy that you can call for a pep talk when the urge to over eat hits you. And finally, if none of this works, find professional help. The important thing is that you recognize you need help and your willing to do something about it. Good luck.
   — Cindy R.

June 19, 2003
What a courageous question! I'm 3 months out and am experiencing physical hunger all the time, we believe because of my anti-depressant. So, since I haven't seen my psychiatrist yet to change my med so that the hunger will come under some normalcy, the only time I don't feel hungry is if I push my pouch to the limit. Then, that full feeling stays with me for a much longer time and I don't feel like eating, even when the stomach is signalling my brain that it feels "hungry". I know many people call this head hunger, but I consider head hunger to be "cravings" for my addiction foods (i.e., chocoate, sugar, etc.). The type of hunger I'm expereincing is mis-communication between stomache signals and head, but after awhile I give into the hunger, because I'm so tired of the insistent nature of the the feeling. It's very frustrating. So, I find myself also eating like a pre-op sometimes. I know I need to change my eating behavior, and for the most part I've been doing that, but this issue just sits on my chest and won't let me go. The other thing is that I'm getting very tired of eating protein every single meal. I'm tired of being vigilant about the protein and want to just go the frig when I'm hungry and pull out what my body tells me it wants. So this morning, I was running late and had to get breakfast at the cafeteria at work and instead of getting and eating "protein-first", I got fresh fruit and a "fruit at the bottom" 99% fat-free yogurt. I ate the fresh fruit first and then just skimmed the top 1/3rd of the yogurt so I minimized the simple sugars I was consuming and by doing that I was able to stop when I I was full. The same with lunch. I ate a ceasar salad with chicken and didn't worry if I ate the lettuce and croutons first. I just ate until I was full, usually eating all the meat anyway, and then threw the rest away. I'm just growing weary of obsessing about protein all the time. Like Cindy, I want to be normal and not worry all the time about my food. I feel more obessessed about food now then I did before surgery. ugh!!! Anyway, I liked your question and your courage to ask it. Thanks and many blessings, Robin
   — rebalspirit