why am i not overjoyed with my succses?

i had wls may 21 03 starting 292 lost 122 now at 170 , i get compliments , i see myself differant sometimes , but im not over joyed , like ive never rewared myself , like some people do after so much off , i just dont feel happy , i have lots of prob at home legal , xboy friend ( hes 68 im 39) came very obseesive and abusive with my loss )taking me to court , to strip my house , after helping me after my house burnt down a yr ago,we break up and now he wants everything , had to hire a lawyer , which i cant aford 3 boys 17,18,22 , pure red neck red blooded boys , courts , god i hate court rooms , i wanna run away,i am so tired , i told them so , its my turn,i raised alone for the last 12 yrs , and middle one decides to become involed in his (sperm donor ) life , was married 16 yrs to him thats what i call him , hes not been around in 10 yrs , that hurt , wells he(son) back cuz hes gf and him broke up , well wheres daddy ? hmm bum, my mommas been in hosp , my sister husband died a few months ago , i was with him , my bro overdosed, on venalator for 3 weeks , he made it , i am seing a man couple yrs younger , hes a trucker , so i do have my space , other one smothered to the point of not breathing , i know im writting very personal things but have no friends well one in tn , my x slept with my friend 10 yrs ago , so as far as friends i keep them at arms length , but i am so lonely , i someimtes dont even get dressed , stay home cant work , i seem to always be angry , or waitng on the next bad thing to happen , cuz it does ,had back surgerys , i wont go see anyone as far as a shrink, is it just i dont have the time or energey to be proud of me ? im willing to hear any comments , cant hurt , huh? i need plastics so bad , i think elaphant skin, ugly , well ya cant have it all , linda_dreams

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