Want to get back on track, lacking willpower. Please help.

I had the surgery Sept '04 (RNY). I went from 290 to 230 in 6mths. After that, nothing. I failed the surgery. I took advantage of knowing I had a small pouch. For some reason, what I would do is graze all day because I knew I could only put so much in at a time. I found myself eating "meals" every hour, no joke. Then sometimes I would get stomach discomfort as if I were stretching my pouch. That would stop me some, but I would do it again. Now I can eat just as much as before surgery and there's nothing holding me back. Now I'm back up to 270 and I'm so disappointed in myself. I was at 240 just this past January! Sometimes I wish I could turn back and realize this is just a tool. I took advantage of the tool and fail. At first, with all honesty, I didn't realize the pouch could str-r-r-r-r-retch! I just thought that when you ate too much, your body would reject it and then you'd throw up. Then you'd get tired of throwing up and keep making better decisions. In all this time, I've only thrown up maybe 5 times. That's in over 4 years. But now whenever I try to start over with the basics, I have no willpower and I'm still very hungry because my pouch is so large now. I'm afraid of a revision because it was me mentally that made it not work. My doctor cut bigger pouches than what I heard other surgeons do. Maybe that was some of my downfall, but for sure, I blame myself. I wasn't a heavy kid but got my heaviest at about 28 yrs old. I'm 35 now. But when the weight was coming off, I felt like I could see my old self again and wasn't ashamed to go to my hometown and visit, whereas before, I wouldn't go out for fear someone from my past would see me. I hope I get my mind made up to gain control again. I'm sure the "honeymoon" is over and any weightloss efforts now may have nothing to do with the pouch. Has anyone experienced this and got back on track? How did you get through the "basics" with the liquid and so forth? Did your pouch shrink back? What helped you to make your mind over? Thank you in advance for all comments.

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