Good Morning. It's the little things

I've been letting my hair grow for the last year and DH has not been all that happy about it. So, yesterday, I call to let him know I had an appointment and asked if he and Son#2 would bring me something home for dinner since I would be late. He asks if I'm going to get my hair cut or trimmed. Me: Umm...trimmed. DH: Oh. I liked it better short. Me: Umm...people are telling me they like it longer. DH: I guess they're more important than what I like. Me: I'll think about it.
So, I come home with it cut short but not as short as when I was on active duty. DH is all lovely dovey... Is this because I put his opinion above my friends? Probably. He got his way, so he's a happy camper.

Sounds a *****ildish but I can understand. You know, this would really suck if I'd taken his opinion into account about having WLS. How do you draw the line and know the difference between your significant other (SO) being afraid you won't wake up from surgery or really happy with you as an obese person? You have to weigh your comorbidities against appearances, I think. Your SO may not grasp the pain and unhealthy aspects of you being obese. Sometimes you have to say, "I understand how you feel but I must go forward with my WLS and I would appreciate your support. I hurt all the time and my diabetes is killing me. I've tried every diet and exercise on the planet and they don't work for me. This is my last shot at getting healthy." 

Did you have a pre-op speech you gave a loved one? What did you say or wish you would have said?

--gina

 

Fortunately I didn't have that issue - I just told Pat I was doing it and that was it.  He was supportive, because that's the type of person he is.  My mother wasn't supportive, but then I didn't tell her until 2 days before surgery... because I knew she wouldn't be. 

How did your hair turn out?  Yea - he was putting a guilt trip on you..

Yeah, he was. lol 

Morning Gina,

I don't think DH has a clue what my hair even looks like-haha!!  The only time in our 33 years he has commented was years ago when I had a curly perm put in it and he told me right quick he hated it.  Other than that he has never commented on it.  

I bet your hair is cute! 

When I was  preparing for WLS he was very upset because he was so afraid I was going to die on the operating table.  I had pretty much decided it was going to happen anyway if I had any say in it so I had to really work on him to get him on my side.  It would have been tough and still would be hard without his help and support.  I took him to a support meeting, let him talk to people who had had WLS(different types).  Took him to 2 different surgeon's consultation meetings.  Finally when we went to Dr. Scott he felt at peace with it.  My sister helped with him the morning of surgery - she said he was a nervous wreck and just about drove her crazy that first day.

Since he has retired he has gained about 20 pounds because he is not active like he used to be.  I laughed the other day because he was talking about how to lose weight - I told him what he used to tell me - just push away from the table and move your body more - not so easy is it!!  I think he realizes now how really hard this is to do. 

When people tell me how good I look, he agrees and tells them he is proud of me.  I told him the other week that it would be nice if he told me that instead of just agreeing with other people.  I know he is proud of me - he just doesn't tell me that very much. 

Hope everyone has a great day today.  I am off to Walmart to buy some groceries to cook this weekend.  Thinking about chili and vegetable beef soup for the week.

Linda

That's such a cute story Gina...and that was really sweet of you to get it cut for him.  It must have been short enough....

DH and DD#1 had a terrible time when I told them I was having WLS.  DD was totally against it because she thought my life wouldn't be shorten.   Now she is totally jealous!

A lot of our Cheer Moms had it done the year before me and DH saw how Good and Healthy they looked but when I mentioned having surgery  DH didn't handle it very well. In the beginning he was worried what the guys at work would say.  Apparently 1 guy at work left his wife because she gained a lot of weight and a wife of another guy  (who was extremely heavy) left him for someone she met on the Internet.   He said several times "I don't want anyone to think you are doing this because I'm not happy with you and I want you to have it done". 

After we got passed that little "think about me"  hissy fit he was taking the reality of surgery finally hit him and he started to panic.  I made him go to the Informational meeting with me and when they showed the diagram of how things are rearranged fear set in.  He was very upset and didn't want me to have it done.

I finally had to sit the family down and tell them I was having this done and they really didn't have anything to say about it.  The main reason I did this was because if something did happen to me I didn't want any of them to feel guilty.  Every time someone questioned me or seemed worried I gave them the same answer.  "This is my body and my decision".  It might have seen harsh at the time but I really was thinking about them and how they might react if something did go wrong.

 Funny, as i was growing my hair long, my husband kept saying he loved it, though he did comment at one time that long hair is for younger people.  Two weeks ago I decided I was tired of it long so I had it cut to a short bob (about chin length.)  I'm not sure husband liked it, but he seems fine with it now.  He's pretty supportive of whatever makes me feel good.

He supported the RNY surgery but still sabotages sometimes.  We're working on that!

Janet

My DH likes long hair. I've let it grow since retirement. At first it was just for him. I've found I like it longer. In the Fall I got heavy brunette low-lights in my hair. It took DH four days to notice. When he finally noticed, he commented he likes it better lighter. I do too, but sometimes I like to change it up.

At first DH was opposed to WLS. I went to a seminar without telling him. He was very open to discussion. Once we talked through my health problems, the metabolic issues of being morbidly obese, and my self esteem issues, he was behind me 100%.

I'm very lucky. He loves me and has loved me through thin and thick and back again. We feel like we have something special together.

Kay
,

My dh doesn't care about my hair either. I had it cut half off last Sat. and my son didn't notice at all (to be fair, he was in the psych ward at the hospital and had other things on his mind) and my dh, when pressed, said "it looks a bit different." 

For me, I have to do what's right for me. So for surgery, I had to do it and I told him, when he kept whining and trying to talk me out of it, that I was doing it and that, as my husband, it was his job to either support me or to shut up about it because what he was doing wasn't okay with me. He thought about it for a day or two and decided to support me.

For things like hair and clothes, I do what works for me and I do take other people's opinions into consideration only if I get a LOT of people telling me something looks different from how I think it looks. (i.e., I use them as a reality check)

When I had my first WLS in 2002 my boyfriend was against it, for many reasons.  He is a man that likes women with a little meat.  I wouldn't say he's a chubby chaser but he has never liked skinny women.  And he doesn't like change.  I know he was perfectly happy with the way I was then.  He didn't have a problem with my weight.  My health was fine then, better then it is now.  He didn't know why I would risk anything just to lose weight.  He also knew a woman who had a bypass and told him to try to talk me out of it, that she regretted ever having it.  I think he was also maybe a bit insecure that I would find someone else if I was thinner but he never said anything like that, it was just my projection.
After my surgery we did have problems with our relationship and did wind up breaking up and getting back together.  And when my health started going downhill in 2009 he didn't say a thing, even when I voiced my regret at having WLS.  He resisted the urge to say I told you so.  When I went to get the revision she was against that but to tell you the truth I didn't give his opinion any weight because I was so miserable.  It wasn't about losing weight at that time, it was about my health.  Now he also bites his tongue about telling me I told you so but I don't blame my revision on my health issues.  I do wish I could turn back time and make different decisions in 2002 but of course that isn't possible.  Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself after another surgery for complications but it's hard not to wish I didn't go as far as I did to lose weight when I didn't have any other problems at the time.  He isn't the best partner for a person with health problems.  It's just the way he is.  He won't go to the doctor's unless it's a life or death emergency and he just doesn't have a lot of support for my health problems.  I hate to say this but it's like he doesn't want my health problems to have an impact on him.  As long as it doesn't put him out he is fine.  Like on Thursday, our day we spend together.  One day after surgery and he hardly acknowledged that I had surgery.  He expected me to do what I would have done before.  I know I overdid it and I have been paying since then.  I should have taken it easy but I didn't because I didn't want to put him out..
Please don't take it has a bad reflection on him.  It's just the way he is.  He's a farmer and farmers are tough and don't do unhealthy well, theirs or others.
As far as my hair, I am far more deferent.  I do care about what he thinks about my hair and I know he prefers it longer.  I probably kept my hair longer for a lot longer then I wanted because I knew he liked it.  When I asked him about cutting my hair he said he didn't care as long as I didn't cut it too short.  The funny thing is when I did get over 12 inches cut off I didn't say a thing to him and he was here over an hour without noticing a difference.  I couldn't get mad.  He is just a man who doesn't pay a lot of attention to those things.  And the next week he got his hair cut and I didn't notice.