Really Down On Myself

I have really been down on myself for a while now.  I hate the way I look and I'm very self conscious.  It hasn't helped that I have run into an ex boyfriend twice in the last two days.  You know how when you see an ex you always want to look great so he can see what he's missing?  I feel like I have aged 20 years since I last saw him, about 4 or 5 years ago.  Of course he looked pretty rough, too, but I was too busy worrying about how I look.
I just have been struggling with depression and wanting to isolate.  I am just not connecting with anyone anymore.  I don't even have any friends anymore.  My best friend moved in with a guy and I never hear from her anymore.  
I used to be so social and friendly and outgoing and now I feel like a different person.  Even when I was overweight I had a lot of friends and did a lot of things.  Now I force myself to get dressed and do things to be around people but I still hang back and don't take part in things.
I went to a New Years party yesterday and while I knew a few people I didn't really talk to anyone.  I feel like I don't have anything to talk about.
I am stressing about going back to school and worrying that I can't learn anymore because my memory has gotten so bad.
I finally found a counselor and I really thought it was going to work out until I saw her last week and she feel asleep while I was talking!  I am not lying, she really feel asleep, after telling me all about her night with her daughter and how they stayed up all night talking and then she asked me a question and while I was answering it I looked at her and she was asleep.
I know it's bad when I know more about her then she does about me.  I haven't decided if I want to see her again or try, again, to find someone else.  If I do see her again I will tell her how I feel about her falling asleep and make sure she understands that it really bothered me.
I did ride my bike today.  I forced myself to because it did help my depression when I was riding regularly.  I am going to try to ride as much as I can weather permitting.  I wish I could afford a gym so I could exercise in bad weather.
My doctor put me on a new medicine.  Actually, it's not a medicine, it's a medical food.  It is supposed to help the antidepressant work.  And it is really expensive.  I can't really afford it but I am so desperate to feel better that I bought some and if it helps I will find a way to keep taking it.  Of course insurance doesn't cover it.
I am frustrated that I'm not gaining weight.  I am staying right around 100 lbs.  I keep adding things.  I feel like all I do is eat and I'm not even hungry.  I keep telling myself that any day now I will start gaining.
Sorry about the whining.  I just felt the need to vent and everyone here is so supportive, it feels safe to talk about these things. 

 I am really sorry to hear you are feeling so poorly.  I, too, suffer from depression.  I was diagnosed in 2000 and have been on one med or another since then.  Right now I am on Cymbalta with an Abilify kicker.  It's the best combination I've been on in awhile.  Apparently Abilify, in small doses, can enhance the effect of other medications.  Maybe you could ask your doctor about it.  It's expensive but insurance pays for it.  Sometimes it's hard to find the right med combo.  As for school, don't worry too much.  Remember what I said before in another post, nobody is going to care if you get a C.  Just do the best you can and that might be an A or B or C.  The fact that you're going back to schol is impressive and brave.  Don't get hung up on pressuring yourself to get straight A's.  You seem like a pretty smart lady to me.  You've gone through a lot to get your weight under control.  You had to be a fighter to get that done. You made yourself ride your bike even though you didn't want to.  Hell, that's half the battle right there.  You are reaching out for help so that tells me you are doing better than you realize.  Keep fighting the good fight.  We've got your back.

Thank you.  I actually did try Abilify a long time ago.  I was only on it for a few weeks.  Maybe I should try it again a little longer this time.  I will ask my doctor about it.

(((Tazz))) I'm so sorry. I wish I knew what to say to help.

--gina

Thank you.  It helps knowing that people care.

I am sincerely sorry you are feeling so badly right now. 

Your presence on this board is very important to many of us, it really is.  What you say and your input is important to us.   I understand about not having friends.  Because I do not drive and do not work, I am home bound, unless I get out with my family.  They are very busy, and once my daughter move out again, I will be back to my very long 14+ hours alone in the house. 

Find another therapist.  I have been to some where I found they did all the talking.  All I could think of was, "Gosh, my time is up and money spent, and I have hardly said a word."  That was very inconsiderate of her.

I suppose right now your body has found  a place of normalcy for itself.  I do not know how long you have been at this weight, but I am amazed when people tell me I look so much better than before...before when I was way too thin.  We are talking about 3 pounds.  I have now been at this weight 1 year, so my body is having a chance to adapt, and I don't look as frail. 

Just remember there are those of us on this board who do look for your posts.  I saw your name mentioned in the subject line yesterday and thought how special that was.  People respect what you have to say.

I know I will look better when I regain some weight.  Even people who don't get too low can look frail for a while until things redistribute.  I have been in this range for over 3 months and I am eating over 2000 calories a day so this may be where my body wants to be for a while.

What does your doctor say?  Is he/she okay with your weight.  How tall are you?  As hard as you are trying, everything will redistribute like you said.

At first he said he would have to put in a feeding tube if I kept losing weight but seems ok about it now that I have stablized although he said he would like to see me at least 35 lbs heavier.  I had to bring in my food journals to show how many calories I was getting in.  
I am 5'3" and just under the normal BMI, I think about 18.  

Oh Tazz (((HUGS))).  I know you've struggled and wi****here was something I could do to help you.

Now, regarding school - this is something you will find will re-energize you.  I too had terrible memory problems and going back to school got my brain working again, no it wasn't easy, but I could tell the difference between before and after. 

As far as the therapist goes - while I know its a pain, I'd find another one. You also don't need to be wasting your time listening to her life.  Its YOUR time.

Hang in there and stay on that bike!  It will be another form of therapy for you too!