Update, apology, wt loss, alcohol/transfer everything but the kitchen sink, yeah long, thanks

For the first several months after my RNY I was posting mostly on the RNY board trying to chat, offer encouragement, advice and relating to newbites, etc. like many others.
Once I reached a year out I came here.
By then I was having some horrible issues and had posted about them and was terribly embarassed by my posts and started to wonder afterwards if I could ever post again comfortably.
I've decided to give it a shot again.
I reached goal on 4/19/08  one year post op hitting 157 lbs which is they most I can apparantly weigh at 5'7 and be within a normal BMI. I lost 182 lbs to get there.
After that on 5/17 almost 3 mos later I had reached 144 lbs being about 14 months post op having lost 195 lbs total, so close to 200, and feeling really good at that weight wanting to just stay there forever and ever.
The problem is that I had reached that weight because I had stopped eating most of any food at all, maybe 300 calories a day maximum and drinking alcohol which suppressed my desire to eat, I was feeling a lot of power and control over eating but being very unhealthy to do so, I know that now.
Wherein comes all the embarassing posts during that time which made me want to stop posting forever out of embarassment.
Having addressed the alcohol issues and the horrifying results it brought about, not wanting to go into the gory details, but I'll say that pre-op I never really drank as an adult and didn't care for it. Post-op, very different story, one night of fun and it became very out of control afterward and I've had several hospitalizations with levels of above 3.0 which is difficult for even a non RNY patient to get to and I almost died more than once.
Right now I am in recovery to an extent (I say that because every week or 2 I blow it) but am finding myself having a voracious appetite and the ability to eat tremendous amounts of food at one sitting after a few days of not drinking, it comes over me like a hurricane, and even if I over do it I can eat again in about an hour, and in that next hour I find myself feeling like I'm starving to death, very desperate for food. That so called 'power' I had over food and appetite is gone when I am being abstinent from alcohol.
I tried multiple times buying a bunch of healthy stuff where I could overdo and still be ok, like cantelouple, Kashi Go Lean & soy milk, chicken, etc. but I'm almost hungrier sooner after eating it all.
Joined a gym in June since I couldn't find a physical activity I liked on my own but have only been 2x since, that's not exactly working out even though I'm committed to a year contract now.
I range between 149 and 155 right now but the last few days it's been at 155 and I know it's because of the way I've eaten and I can see the trend that it's going to keep creeping and climbing upward if I don't get a handle on this somehow.
I know that this is my one and only chance in life to not get overweight again and I don't know how to stop the waterfall that is going to wreck me and having me posting in 6 mos that I've gained 50 lbs, does this make sense? If I couldn't stop eating prior to RNY, and now I can truly eat enough to screw the surgery and gain a bunch back, what is going to stop me now when moderation, portion control, exercise, and general good sense was absolutely not enough pre-op which is why I had the RNY in the 1st place?
I never learned any good habits during the weight loss, I rarely exercised pre-op and never post-op, I never counted calories, honestly I under-ate most people because I'd get sick and didn't feel hunger. The ability to eat came at about 14 mos post-op and it came on with a very strong attitude. Everything before that made me sick doesn't anymore, the amounts were so tiny I could tolerate before and now I can suddenly eat 5x that, I've had no time to prepare or to practice good habits over any period of time which I believe is such a big part of what makes one sucessful after any wls surgery.
To sum it up, I screwed it up all so bad, while I was having huge weight loss with no thought or effort on my part whatsoever, while I was drinking it away and learning no habits or life lessons, and now that I've reached the point in my wls where a huge part is truly up to me, I've got nothing to go on and feel like I can eat the way I did pre-op and I still don't know how to stop just like I was pre-op or I wouldn't have had the RNY in the first place.
Thanks for listening.

I'll just say that I get very ANGRY at suggestions to track and fit (fitday.com etc.), I haven't done it so far and the only time I ever did in my life was while I was obsess mode with Weigh****chers and did it for 18 months and lost 88 lbs only to gain it all back when I quit plus another 40+ lbs on top of it within less than year. When I quit, I really 'QUIT'. I felt desperate not to obesess/track any longer.
At this point I truly am willing to accept that I may need to track/obsess to stay on course, it's just that the only time I actually did it was a detririment and not an assettt and I ended up gaining more, I am trying to avoid this while at the same time realizing that I haven't a clue and am willing to accept advice from anyone.
Thanks again, been thinking all late at night and one knows how that can go!

 You have come a long way, and it is baby steps melissa. you are getting stronger every day, and admitting mistakes and weakness is the beginning of strength.
We are here to cheer you on and support you, but I would encourage a local support group to be involved and counselling to work through the food issues, and why you hurt yourself at times in the past.
I am proud of you for coming back and it shows you are a fighter.  The battle never is easy, and the temptations remain, but you can conquer them. For me, my strength comes with God at my side. I k now I can make it through anything!
hugs to you!

I am four years out and gaining too.  I had only lost 90 plus pounds and have gained 20 back.  I still look better and feel better but am frightened of the eatting going on.
But we still have our tool, the stapled stomach and reduced small bowel.  Surely that will make a difference while we struggle to get back on track.
I am sure wiser people than me will have good advice for you but I just want to say hang in there and you are  not alone.
I know I want to replace my food addiction too with another addiction.  have not used alcohol but understand how easily it will be to do so.  There is shopping and a lot of other addiction that won't cure us but need to be faced so they don't replace the food addiction.  I am curious as to whether there is a healthy addiction and if anyone has replaced food for something healthier.  Like exercise, or gardening, or writing.  I hope if someone has succeded they let us know what and how.
Hugs to you
Michigan Grandma

WOW, I hope you know you are not alone.  I think a lot of us went through the honeymoon period without learning what we should have.  I am trying to deal with that too right now.  On top of that, I am like you, never drank before surgery but at about 2 yrs. out found wine.  BIG MISTAKE.  I am at the point of admitting my problem and getting back on track, but every day I say...no wine today...and then I get home at night and say just one to relax.  I wish you the best and keep coming to the Board....it does help because you can realize a lot of people have issues....

Hi there! I remember you from before and I'm so glad you came back! You should never feel embarrassed by anything you post here~we all have our struggles so we're not here to judge.

I have to agree that losing the weight came pretty easy to me to, but "maintainence mode" is scary! I obviously was never good at it or I wouldn't have ended up at 328lbs! You already know that drinking to suppress the appetite isn't a good thing and in the long run won't work forever. Alcohol is the biggest waste of calories for anyone, wls or not! I'm wondering where the dramatic increase in appetite is coming from? You say that it hits a few days after not drinking, so I'm thinking maybe you're in a major alcohol/carb detox state and its causing the cravings. My only other thought  on that is a mechanical issue~have you been back to your surgeon to have things checked out?

As far as not know what to do, look for some guidance. See a nutritionist that can set up a good, solid eating plan for you to follow. Having a plan helps me to stay on track b/c I know in advance what I'll be eating. Go to local support groups so you can stay in contact with others that might be experiencing the same things, have advice or can help to lead you in the right direction. I track my food/exercise at thedailyplate.com and although I enjoy doing it, I'm not obsessed with it. If that's not your thing, then I say don't do it. You need to do the things that you're comfortable with, not things that make you stressed out.

If you don't care for exercise, what about just taking a walk daily? Walking always helps me to clear my head and relax. If you like listening to music, pick out a few of your favorite songs and wal****il the music stops. My favorite is to find a friend~I can walk and talk forever, LOL! Physical acitivity isn't just good for you physically, but also mentally as well. Exercise doesn't have to be this crazy, hard hitting, sweat pumping thing~the important thing is just to do something and finding something that you enjoy is key.

One last thing question? You didn't mention if you are seeing a therapist thru all of this? At 2yrs out, I found therapy to be a much needed thing for me and it helped alot. My therapist specialized in eating disorders and addictions and she was able to put alot of things into proper perspective for me b/c my thinking was WAY off track!!

I hope that something I've said helps. Again, I'm really glad that you came back to give us an update and I hope that you will jump back in and stick around.

Tracy,

I have questions about the therapy path.  I hope you don't mind my digging.  I went to see the therapist who did my psych eval as she does specialize in WLS issues.  I feel better merely talking because it is not something I do easily.  (I can be outoging and charming, but it is rarely about me).  I wonder if the 'merely talking' is the first step or is it a part of the journey?

I ask the doctor and she says I am doing fine.  I know part of my issue is major Type A approach to everything.

So I am looking for direction.  Thanks in advance.

Vicky

Oh Vicky, you sound SO much like me, LOL!!!! I too have a very difficult time talking about myself. I have a hard time opening up and always want it to appear that everything is just fine, no problems here! Talking about things was the first step, but understanding my behaviors and learning some coping mechanisms to deal with them were really the most important things that I took away from therapy. To me, therapy was about getting all the issues out on the table and then figuring out a way to deal with things on a daily basis. Before 2yrs post op it honestly never occured to me that I ended up at 328lbs b/c I was an emotional eater and a food addict~I guess I just thought I overate so I was fat~clearly had my head in the sand on that one! I am currently not in therapy, but it did serve a purpose for me and I will go again when and if needed.

Thanks Tracy!

I am one of those people that is the solid rock, constant problem solver, overachiever, albeit wallflower!  I spoke to the doctor for two or three sessions near my 18 month mark or so.  But I recently went back and have pledged a longer term path.  I am a quick fixer when it comes to me.  Likely why I ended up SMO as an adolescent and stayed that way.

On a very personal side, I have *always* known I use food as a buffer.  It is as basic as the realization my childhood abuser did not care for fat girls............. so I became fat!  I can compartmentalize better than Sybil and keep pushing the issue down.  It was smoother with pizza and that coping tool is gone now.  I am dealing with a big professional challenge right now and I realized wine was not a wise tool.  I went running for help!

I will keep peeling the layers back.  Some make me cry and not be in control.  Some are simply acceptance.  Some are so tough I haven't even gotten a corner of the layer pulled free yet.

Thank you for sharing.

Vicky

Vicky, I know what you mean about the quick fix vs. the long haul. I hope as I grow and evolve that I can work this out for good this time b/c I truly feel like wls was my last grasp at a normal, healthy life!

Peeling back those layers is tough. There's alot that to this day I don't acknowledge or allow myself to believe about myself and my past. I give you so much credit for working at it so hard!! I know in the end it will all be worth it and hopefully we will all walk away as better people.

((((HUGS)))))