Resentment

Lately, I am on a self help/mental awareness kick, I guess.  But, I am trying to be brutally honest with myself.  Lately, I am beginning to feel resentment for my dh.  I have spent a fortune to get healthy, as well as a ton of effort.  He is about 50 pounds overweight--all in his belly.  Every night while I am struggling to stay away from carbs, and not graze, he is eating cookies and tostitoes in bed while watching TV.  He says he is "eating better", but I am not seeing it.  His big change that he talks about all the time is that he has switched from sugar to Spenda in his coffee.  I realize that for him that was a big one (5-6 cups of coffee a day), but it is not enough. If I don't fix him some sort of starch with his dinner, he asks me why.  He refuses to go to the gym, saying he doesn't have the time, and would rather buy a treadmill when we can afford it.  Meanwhile, the only activity he gets is working around the house and yard--which he calls exercise.  But then he blows it by eating junk all night every night.  I am worried that I have done all this to get healthy so I can live longer, and the only living I am going to get to do is either alone after he dies of a stroke or heart attack or by being his caregiver after a debilitating stroke.  I've tried to talk to him, but I am getting no where.  When I talk, all he hears is "blah, blah, blah".  Anyone else ever feel this way? Marilyn

Marilyn,
I have been having some of the same feeling toward my husband also...I am so glad you shared your thoughts. I worry about him as I am sure he has looked at me and worried about me for years. As you know it had to be our choice to make this change and as much as they wanted it for us we were not going to change till we wanted to make the change for a better life for ourselves.
Hang in there and keep up the great work of taking care of yourself!!!
Hugs!
Betsy

Who does the grocery shopping?  I find that if its not in the house, we can't eat it! lol When he goes to look for chips, make sure there are some better choices.  I found some rice chips at Sam's, a huge bag, and the stats are good.  I have some very occasionally but Tim loves them with salsa.  He'd rather have them now than Tostitos or nacho chips.  OH And, Netrition sells Genisoy Nacho chips! They are low carb.  Tim liked them too.  The thing is, if the food isn't in the house, not only can he not eat it, but its not there calling your name...  "Melinda, come look at me...  see me?  Eat me...  have some...  I'm your friend".  As funny as that sounds, its true... 

I think grocery shopping is what started this whole problem!!!  I don't buy junk at the store.  So, he has started going himself, and bringing home his junk!  I have good choices here for him--they just sit.  When I went to the store last week, he ordered me to bring home cookies--not sugar free!  So, I brought home vanilla wafers--the best I could do at the time! Marilyn

Do you think you can talk to him and voice your concerns? And maybe there is a solution that the two of you can work on together.  For instance, maybe if you buy the single serve bags and ask him to limit his intake to one bag of chips per evening.  Or is he deadset against trying to cut back or on a diet?

Marilyn, I'm wondering if you ever did anything about therapy for helping you with your food issues. It sounds the real problem is that your husband's choices are making your choices harder. I haven't had surgery yet but I'm still on the 1400 calorie diet and I do know how you feel when there are others in the house eating things you shouldn't. The fact is, we cant control what others eat even if it would be better for them and easier for us. When my family eat something I love but cant have, I eat in my room away from them. I do have a limited amount of control as I mostly plan the meals and I shop for the food but when they ask for something in particular I get it for them and just avoid being with them while they eat it. One thing I do though is when there is something that tempts me too much, I ask the family to prepare it themselves so I don't have to. At this point I use moderation and measure all my foods and there are very few things I cant have at all. I know that will change after surgery. It sounds like there is a lack of communication between you and your husband. Have your explained to him how hard it is to prepare food for him that you would like but can no longer have? Maybe he doesn't realize how difficult some things are for you. Talk to him and see what he says. I wish you  the best. Karen

This is veery normal. Been there and done that!! I think a lot of us have. I have been known to order for my husband, Corey, at restuarants because we will get into fights if he gets two side items and will get like Mac and cheese and mashed potatoes. Uggghh,. It kills me. But I eventually got over it. I am much better with him now and eventually you will be too. I think you just learn eventually you can't change anyone. But as long as you are doing everything you can for you and him, then that is all anyone can asks. Luckily, Corey will eat just about anything so I try to always cook dinner healthy. So that is how I help him. But he eats fast food for breakfast and lunch!  I also try to get him to work out with me but nope. He won't. I learned to do things that he would enjoy that are active - like playing basketball or tennis or even bowling or skating. Something that he would not think of as exercise but really is good for you.  He is always been known as "normal" weight. He has gained some these past few years but still doing ok. I think what turned me around is someone finally said to me and it clicked, he never once told me that I could not eat two McD's combo meals or get desert or biggie size anything. He never ever threw anything in my face when I was making bad choices and obese. He was supportive of whatever I ate or did or looked like. Not that is a great thing but he didn't critize me at all. So yes, I will still try and get him to do better with his health so we can live a long healthy life together but I am lightening up some and just trying new techniques so he does not think I am critizing him or making him feel bad for his habits since he never done that to me.  I think you are doing everything you can for him. Keep it up and make sure you compliment him for the changes he does make (like the Splenda) and maybe try to find healthy alternatives he may like (including low sugar deserts so he doesn't have to go get his own) and activities you can do together.  Good luck and if you figure it out, let me know!

Well, to me this just proves how personal our WLS journeys really are. We are the ones who chose to have the surgery, not our spouses. Sure, it would be nice if our spouses would eat correctly. But they didn't have the surgery - we did. We did it because WE wanted to improve OUR health, OUR longivity, and quality of OUR life.  I can't expect my wife, kids  and other family members and friends to change their eating habits because I had WLS. And we shouldn't become angry with them if they don't.  It was OUR choice to have this lifestyle altering surgery, not theirs.  We can't in all fairness transpose our requirements on them.  So, try not to be so hard on him.  That's why I find this site SO important to me. And why I appreciate Bob L., whom I talk with regularly about our personal journeys, and the rest of you folks here.  It is also why we are so important for one anothers support - because we all can relate to one another's trials and tribulations on our quests for a better, healthier, happier life - because we are going through, or have gone through, the same things.  Hopefully, as we improve our health and ourselves, we will be an inspiration to our spouses, family members, and others who need to  follow suit by eating better and exercising.     Just my $.02 on this subject.

I guess I will be the devil's advocate here.  How long were you overweight before you decided to do something?  How many times did you hear an array of family and friends say "you need to lose weight, or you need to eat healthier"?  What did this do to you.  I know when people would tell me that I would think and sometimes say  "What the he!! is it to you, what I eat doesn't make you gain weight"    "Just leave me alone, I'm grown I can make up my own mind"  .  Basically what I am saying is, until he makes up his mind to do something about his weight, there is nothing you can do.  You probably just **** him off and he eats more just to spite you telling him what to do.   Just pray that he will someday see what he is doing to himself and to you and do something about it.  If I had done it when I was only 50lbs overweight, I wouldn't have had to have WLS.  Ask God to guide you in helping him, because after all God controls all. Good luck and I will say a prayer for you both.  Not dumping on you just wanted you to maybe see what he may be thinking. darlene

The more I think about this idea of "resentment", I wanted to share that I had a lot of resentment for some time.  Only, the resentment was towards MYSELF.  I was so upset with ME because I let myself get overweight.  I saw my body, how the signs and effects are longlasting...  I had done this to myself, no one else had done it to me.  How could I let myself be so stupid?  How could I be so irresponsible, to let myself eat and eat, and not exercise, never taking better care of my one and only body I will ever have?  It took me a long while to overcome this.  I wonder, also Marilyn, it seems that you are really struggling with food issues, almost grieving, angered, frustrated.  Did you ever grieve food since your surgery?  Perhaps that is what process you are going through now...  realizing that your eating lifestyle won't be the same ever again in order to be a longterm success, and yet sometimes wanting to be normal, striving to be normal...  I dunno. Just some thoughts I'm throwing out.