OT: I need some new insight... LONG!

As I write this, I’m just in tears because I don’t know what to do. Here is my situation and if you have a comment and/or suggestions please share. I need some insight on what my next step should be…

My ex and I were married in 02/2007. We dated for 4 years before that. All the time while dating, he was in between jobs because he couldn’t keep a job due to his compulsive lying, etc. I didn’t know all this at the time, or I would have left. Anyway, we were finally divorced 03/2009 after me filing in August 2008. My son was born before we were married and he has my maiden name (which I went back to after the divorce). My daughter was born in October 2008 and of course has my married name because we were still married at the time of her birth. My ex has not seen them since January 2009. So, it has been 17 months since the kids have seen him. I opened a case with DHS in April 2009 to get child support from him. At the time, DHS could not find him and where he worked, etc.  Finally DHS summoned him to court in March 2010 to get back child support from him. This is about $9,500, as of now. The ex did show up and told the Judge that he wanted to terminate his rights. The Judge gave him a continuance until August 2010, so he can get the papers drawn up and filed, etc. An attorney has been contacted by us both, but he has not done anything because he has not received the $300 deposit from the ex to get the papers started. Altogether it’s going to costs about $800 to terminate and change my daughter’s last name.

A few weeks ago, I found out my ex’s new employer (his first wife called and told me) and then I called DHS to give them all the information so they could send the appropriate paperwork and send in the withholding order to garnish his check for child support. As of this morning, the ex still hasn’t sent in the money to the attorney. And as of yesterday, DHS has not heard anything back from the new employer to confirm that the ex works there. I know he works there because I have called and asked for him.

So here is my dilemma. I gave the ex a deadline of today to have the money in the attorney’s office so the papers can get done or I was going to take further action. By this, I mean, I was going to the Attorney General’s office of Child Desertion to see if they will prosecute the ex for child support.

Here is my question…

1.       Do I go ahead and pay the attorney for getting the termination done and change my daughter’s last name? (Being a single mother of 2 kids with no help, that kind of money won’t come easy.) And plus, I don’t think I should be responsible for paying it.

2.       Do I let the August court date come with no termination papers filed and hope the Judge will make him pay the back child support and/or throw him in jail? In the meantime, the child support will keep adding up.

3.       Or do I find an attorney (granted I don’t have a large retainer fees, etc to pay) to take him to court on the many things he’s in contempt on and get everything that is owed to me and the kids? This will include the $14,000 marital debts, school tuition, child support, medical insurance that I pay for through my employer, etc.



I just need some new insight. If you have read this far, I really appreciate and thank you! I know it's long...  Karine

Well if it were me I would just pay the $300 and have the paperwork done. I'd feel better knowing it was over and having my daughter have my last name. You can still then persue legal action to get the back child support that he owes (I think)

Good luck!

honestly i would do neither... just go on with your life.. jaysons dad is not in the picture.. never has... never will be.. has never even met him

i would pay the 300$ and get it over with. most important is to change the babies last name to the same as yours and your sons before she is old enough to notice. My cousin went her whole life just wanting the same last name as he mom, and the schools gave her a real hard time about hyphenating the two last names because it realy wasnt her legal name. very sad and hard for a child to understand. I would love to say screw it and move on but if you dont move forward with the termination, if he decideds to come around in the future he will have the same rights as you, even though he has never been there. stinky and expensive but well worth it so you can move on with your life.

I agree just pay the 300.00 and get the name changed and termination of rights completed.  I don't think its really worth it to keep waiting.

Maybe it's just me...but what benefit is it to YOU and your children if he terminates his rights?  If I understand it correctly, isn't that going to release him from the obligation of paying child support?  How can the courts allow that?  It'd be different if you were in a new relationship and your new husband wanted to adopt your children...but to let him get off with no child support or anything just because he doesn't want the responsibility? 

Sorry...Maybe I'm missing something here...but if I understand the situation correctly, I can't agree with it.  There are too many men out there ditching their children just because it's not convenient for them to pay child support.  He doesn't have to see the kids or be involved in their lives, you can keep paying the insurance through your work...but I do think he should have to pay child support to help suport the kids that he helped make.

That's just my two cents.  Your daughter's last name would be the least of the worries - not that it's trivial, just that actually feeding, clothing and support your children are more important. 

Holly,

Most judges make there be another person willing to assume the responsibility.. like you said... a new husband wanting to adopt the child.  That is how it was with my ex and his first wife. 

Some judges just don't care and want the case off their docket.  It's a shame that there are men out there that just don't give a flip.  I'm not even talking about the men who try and give up rights when the child is first born... I am talking about men who give up their rights after they have been actively involved in the childs life for years.  Some men are just low life scum and are too lazy or f-ed up in the head to take responsibility. 

Then you have the good men in the world.  Those that take on another mans responsibility and take care of his children... raise them... be a part of their lives... etc.  Like my husband now for instance.  He assumed the role as father to my kids, financially, physically, emotionally...etc.  He never flinched.. he loves me, and loves my kids.  Then we found out last year that he has a son that he didn't even know about until he was 8 yrs old.  All of a sudden the mom comes out of the woodwork because "she wants him to know his dad" .. if that were the case, she would have told him long before then.  All because her boyfriend lost his job and was no longer giving her any money... so she needed another way.  Again, my husband took responsibility and has never waivered.  So, there are good ones out there... it just sucks that there isn't a big label on their forehead depicting who is good and who is a bad egg.

B

I remember years ago, while I was still living in the States, a politician in NJ - a man - was trying to push through a law that if you (meaning a woman) went on welfare with your children, that if you continued to have children, you did not get any additional benefits...because you chose to have those children when you couldn't afford them.  I get where they're trying to tell people to quit having children they can't afford...but what infuriated me - and I didn't even live in NJ! - was the fact that when people were questioning why the state just didn't go after the fathers of the children to pay child support, he basically said that the woman decided to sleep with him w/o using birth control, so the kids were HER responsibility and he didn't want to reward her for having these kids.  Um...excuse me?  Was she in that bed alone?!  Wasn't there a member of the opposite sex there?!  Didn't he have the option of usinga condom if HE didn't want any kids? 

My mother and my sperm donor were divorced when I was about 3 1/2 - 4 years old.  I saw him off and on when I was younger, but he never paid child support.  When I was in 4th grade, he gave up rights to me and my sisters so that my mother's second husband could adopt us - with the understanding that all back child support would be forgiven.  When I was in 8th grade, my mother got divorced from her 2nd husband and a year later, remarried and her third husband adopted us...with the same agreement to the 2nd husband.  She's still (reluctantly on her part...a whole nother story book re this matter) married to him...and she's too stupid to realize that he's the best man of the three she was married to.

I am fully in support of telling women to be responsible and use birth control and educating them and giving them whatever education necessary so they can work and support their own kids.  I am also fully in support of making the male half of the baby making process responsible for supporting the kids they run around and create with numerous women. 

There was an asshole who was working temporarily in one of the offices I was in overseas.  He told he me was divorced and had a 6 year old daughter and 4 year old son.  He mentioned he'd like to buy them each a little gift unique to the country we were in...I told him that he should also buy them clothes because they were name brand clothes and very inexpensive (ie 1/10th the cost of the U.S. for name brands).  His response...he looked me right in the eye and was dead serious when he said, 'I pay child support.  Why would I buy them clothes?' I wanted to hit him - for his kids in the first place, for his ex in the second place.  No wonder she divorced his ass.  I looked right back at him and replied, 'Because they're YOUR kids?!' He had no comment and went back to what he was doing.  Stupid **** head.  Sorry for the language...that's one thing that ****** me off...people not taking care of THEIR kids...and using them as a weapon against each other when they separate or divorce.

From what I've read of your posts about your husband...you have a definite keeper in him.  You and your kids are lucky to have found a man who loves you - and the kids - just for you...and is also willing to step up and take care of the son he never knew he had.  We both know that too many men would have gone running the other way.  Doesn't mean that he can't make you want to kill him occasionally...he does have the Broken Chromosome Syndrom...but he still seems like a good man.

Karine,

This is coming from someone who has an ex who hasn't seen his kids in 5 years, owes me more than $13000 and has evaded being found for several years now.  He also terminated his rights to his daughter from his first marriage (which when he did that showed me what he really was)

I would find the money to file the termination papers... any man who is willing to terminate their rights to their child isn't going to be any kind of a man to contribute in positive ways to the child.  Honestly, with the child support system you aren't going to get very far trying to obtain the back support.  Trust me I know.  I'm not sure how it works in your state, but as for Pennsylvania, I have gotten nothing but screwed... while he escapes any consequence.  They have just given up trying to find him... AND they also stopped letting his account accrue any more debt because they couldn't find him.  So now it is paused at whatever the amount was last year. 

It's kind of like the old saying... if you loan a friend $20 and you never see the friend again... it was probably a good investment. =)

More than likely the legal fight will be more time consuming, and disheartening than just paying the $300 and moving on with your life and raising your kids.

Good Luck
B

Thank you to everyone for their thoughts on the situation. It's just really hard to know what to do. The "right" thing so to speak. From my ex's past, he can't keep a job and everytime I or DHS find him, he quits because he doesn't want that money coming out of his check every month. In the state of Mississippi, child support is automatically garnished from his check on a monthly basis. I feel like in the back of my mind, terminating is best because I can't keep fighting him for the next 21 years to make him responsible for his children. I'm in debt now and I would surely be in debt to my eyeballs if I keep fighting him the legal way. Yes, in essense, he should be liable for paying my legal fees, etc, because he is in contempt, but the attorney has to be paid upfront and then I'll get reimbursed, but still that kind of money I do not have. And I'll never get reimbursed due the ex not paying the attorney. I'm just really at odds. I'd really like to throw him under a jail cell and be done with him. The child support/health insurance monies are adding up and DHS is keeping track of all that, but if he keeps moving from job to job, we have a hard time finding him. And of course the whole DHS system is very slow!!

Anyway, thanks again to everyone who shared their thoughts.


Karine