Words Women Use: A Refresher Course

I got this in an E-mail and had to post it

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1.) FINE : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. 2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour . Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. 3.) Nothing : This is the calm be fore the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. 4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! 5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.) 6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. 7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or FAINT. Just say you're welcome. 8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying $%#$ YOU! 9.) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" for the woman's response refer to #3.

Chip, Might I suggest adding this. 10) We Need To Talk.: This phrase translates as "You're an insensitive jerk, and if you know what's good for you you'll sit still, shut up and listen and when I'm finished, say, 'Gosh! dear, you're right. I'm so sorry. What I can do to make you happy?'" And guys, you better not nod off, sneak a peak at the TV, or moan during what will seem like a never-ending session. Look sensitive, serious, forlorn, heartbroken, etc. It's a good idea to practice these expressions while shaving, so they'll look spontaneous and natural when you need to fake them.

What timing you have.  My wife is on the rampage today and I think I have heard every single one of these today.  Being male I still haven't figured out what she is mad about.  She tells me I need to do A I say OK and start to do it and she gets mad and says I should do B.  I'm begining to think she is the puppet master and she is trying to hook me up to the strings.  My problem is I'm to stubborn to let her do it. Sorry got sidetracked.

My wife has a clue word -- "It's irrelevant" :  Even though she refuses to admit it, she is furious at me and nothing I say or do for the next 24+ hours will change that. Any attempt to find out what the problem is or to resolve a known problem will be futile. If I ask "what's wrong?" in this situation, the answer may well be "You're breathing." Just back away slowly, do not speak, do not make eye contact. Have a great day. Rich

".... do not make eye contact." Man, why you gotta make me blow my java out so early in the day?  

A great list - may I also add "excessive clearing of throat" I find that when women clear their throats often, this is often a subtle signal that all is not right - and usually I'm responisble for their unhappiness at the moment. Just my 2 cents worth Chris

Here's the one that took me a couple of years to figure out. Me: Where do you want to eat? Her: I don't care.  Me: How about Fuddruckers? Her: (long pregnant pause****long drawn out sigh) Literal Translation: I don't want to eat anywhere that serves hamburgers you dumbass. How about Chili's or  Red Lobster or Logan's Roadhouse or some other place where it will take an hour to get seated and cost $35 for the two of us?