help guys please

I am not sure about even posting this at this point but I know you folks will tell me the truth.I am not saying any of this to gain sympathy or anything like that.  Over the course of time from my surgery on till now so from June 06 till today I have been through a lot of hurts, From bad surgery issues all the time in the hospital the death of my father in March of 07 some other more personal "family" issues and now the death of my mom on Christmas eve..How can I say this I feel like I want to go back to being fat again..I used to eat for comfort to chase depression etc and now when I try that I get sick. So is it so wrong to look back and see that i was semi happy being large and I just want to be happy again so therefore I want to be big again. or I feel that I want to. I know God does not put anything in your life you cannot handle but at what point is it enough. I don't think I can handle this anymore...I am just need some honest answers from some people who have delt with this in one way or another ......Please Will

I don't have any answers or advice for you, but just want to send wishes that you will find your answers and peace soon.  You've been through a hell of a lot.

Thanks for the honest answer I do apperciate it one way or the other

Will, I'm sorry for your losses and the problems you've experienced.  Trust me, I've been there.  If I can be blunt (and you've asked for total honesty), before I had surgery, food was my anti-depressant, as I was a classic emotional eater.  But look what it did to me.  I was almost 500 pounds back in the mid-ninties, and was told by a doctor in 97 that if I kept going the way I was, I wouldnt live past another 5 years (well I showed him).  At the time I was only 33 years old.  Two weeks pre-op (4/06) I was 432.  I took after my father and many others in my family who were emotional eaters.  My fathers weight killed him at the age of 56 in 1999. For me, the shock of not being able to turn to food for emotional reasons after WLS caused severe anxiety attacks and depression 4 months post-op.  This lasted for many months until my anti-depressants kicked in.  I also had therapy and continue to attend a very good support group twice a month.  I feel like a new man as I write this, both physically and emotionally.  I would trade a little pill before bed every night, even if I have to take if for the rest of my life, for going back to the man I was before and dropping dead at any moment.  Look at my before pics on my profile....did I look like a happy person??  I also work out 4 to 5 times a week, and get out and live life as much as possible.  I am a total beach bum, and spend most of my weekends at the beach.  My goal in 2008 is to learn to surf.  I'm also not quite the workaholic I was pre-op.  I used to bury myself in my work (as well as food) to hide my misery. I'm not a religious person, but I respect the beliefs of others.  I dont know if you need meds or not.  I do sincerely believe that you need to pursue all other means of dealing with your issues, without turning back to the demon you dealt with before.  Support groups, personal therapy, exercise, more sunlight, meds, whatever it takes.  The alternative is not an option my friend.  Please be strong. Please feel free to private message me should you feel the need.  I am always happy to help any of my WLS brothers.  Be well and the best of luck to you.  Happy New Year. John

Will, I am not going to set here and tell you that I have been through everything that you have because I have not.  I lost my mother about a year before surgery and I did have some major complications while in the hospital after having rny surgery.  I will tell you that time does help with the loss of a loved one.  Going back to being fat is not the answer.  Instead of eating for comfort now try going for a walk or do a hobby............try to keep your mind occupied and your body in motion.  Exercise does actually help your mental outlook.  You might also want to talk to a professional or your pastor to help with the depression.  Depression is really tough to get over without some help.  I will keep you in my prayers and I do pray that things get better for you.  Let's us know how you are doing.  

Hi Will,

I'm relatively new to the Board and I don't really know you, but from what you describe I think it would not be out of order to talk to either your doctor or a professional about your mental state.  I think that they can help you through this tough time.  Although I've never been on them, many anti-depressants do work well, and that and/or some therapy could probably do you some good.  It sounds to me as though you are dealing with grief/loss issues that you would have otherwise dealt with with food.  Obviously since that is not an option for you anymore, you don't have an outlet, and I think you need some help in finding another outlet instead.  I wish you the best of luck....

MLF

To be very honest I would rather try to avoid taking any happy pills I am looking for something to pour my self into to get over this other then food looking back your all so right I fought the fat beast and kinda given my life for it in one way or another I think starting here soon I will come up with a new hobby or maybe pick up a old one again other then the fork and spoon.

in no way have i been through what you have delt with in your life i have however been through depression and lived with a father and mother who are severlly depressed my mom tried suicide about 2 years ago and my father has changed into someone i dont even know anymore i lost my ex fiance  8 years ago and my daughter is now nine and lives with people i dont know i havent seen her since she was 6 months and then it was only for a half hour its a long story but i didnt have a home or job so i didnt get a chance to be the dad i know i could have been any way one thing i did was i wrote a book about my life i never tried to publi**** but it took me 3 months and i added alot of good points in my life which made me happy to remember and it helped me deal with the sad things you can share it with friends and family or just keep it and reread it every few years or months and add to it as you go its just a suggestion i know things will get better for you just keep your faith and keep looking for tomorrow good luck my friend

For the record, the pills dont make you happy, they correct the flow of certain chemicals in the brain that cause depression and anxiety, and they all dont work the same for all people.  Some of the side effects can be bothersome as well, and many people quit taking them before they can ever feel the full effects.  I am not ashamed to admit to taking them like many people are.  These problems are true medical ailments, and just like other ailments (diabetes, high blood pressure, cholestoral), there are many of us who are grateful these meds exist.  I hope you are able to come to grips with your issues, but please dont undermine the value of the option that works for so many. John

Just a thought. You say you'd rather "pour yourself into" something to help you get over this. It might seem the dead opposite of what you feel you want to do right now, but have you thought of charity work? My family and I are really involved in working various charities in our community. I know that on those days when I just want to sit around and eat chips instead of going out and sorting the newly donated clothing for the homeless shelter I ALWAYS feel better about myself when I just get up and do it.

There are so many places to work, too. I dare you to set up just one afternoon and see how it goes. No, I double-dog dare you.

Remember that running away doesn't work. To solve our problems we need to run toward them head-on.