I Have Something Very Important to say- This is a Bit Long

Hello All, I have been absent from the boards with a minor comment here and there. However I have decided to pop back up and have something to say... As the oldtimers here all know, this journey for me has been more like a ride through the House of Terror rather than a Carousal ride. As I approach my one year mark (August 12th), I am trying my best to be happy and look at the positives. I am trying very hard not to let the take my joy. I am however, only human, and often times I am very concerned that the negativity is going to overpower the joy. Its one thing to change ones lifestyle and assume correct eating behavior for life. It is another to not be able to eat, and to have excrutiating pain when one attempts to do so. At first you can handle it...but after months with no fix, the strain it places on you is to say the least- unabarable. I would like to begin by saying this... If anyone had told me that with this surgery, I would have complications a year out, I would have laughed. If anyone had told me, that not only would I have them,but a reasonable source of them could not be located, I would have laughed harder. If Anyone would have told me the amount of poking, proding and probing I would have to undego to try and find the source, I would have been in hysterics. But you know what? This **** is not funny anymore..... After months and months of guessing, tests, more tests, and trying to find answers I was estatic because last week, I thought I FINALLY had an answer to the problems. After having an endoscopy I was diagnosed with A Diverticulum in the Distal Esophagus-In plain English, I have a pouch that has formed above my new stomach. The food is not going straight to the new stomach, it is getting trapped in this Diverticulum. This causes Pain, Vomiting, and the inability to consume food. It also explains why I can eat sometimes and other times not.... Or so I thought... When I met with my surgeon yesterday he complicated it more by saying that MAYBE it was the cause, but then going through my other symptoms, etc...he did not agree that this was the culprit. Furthermore, he was just baffled at my case. He said they had to find a scientific reason/explanation for my pain and inability to eat- but quite frankly, it was a major puzzle to him. Also, he advised that surgery to remove the diverticulum was extremely risky, and he did not want to do it unless it was absolutely necessary. So guess what? We are back to the old drawing board. Since we have done all internal scans- we are now about to venture to the external.. so I sit and await my CAT SCAN appt. If that does not work, he is talking about using some camera (not an endoscope?) And look to see if I have a bowel obstruction- which can not show up thru normal testing. Again, my symptoms do not match typical folks with bowel obstruction, so...he just can not determine what it is. Am I Happy about all of this? Hell no Have you ever felt that no matter how hard you try at something that its going to fail? Have you ever felt like there is no light at the end of the tunnel? Have you ever felt that no one in this world understands how you feel or what you are going through? Well if you have, then you know how I feel. For so long, I have sat back, held my tongue, not particiapted on the online support boards I intially was enthused about for these very reasons. I felt and feel like an outsider...a failure of Gastric Bypass... A failure beacuse I have not met my goal weight in a year A failure because I am not the norm A failure because no one out there is like me... I cannot begin to tell you the impact this surgery has had on my life and my family. I have become a different person. I internalize most of my inner thoughts, my whole thought processes are different- It is I must say, one of the wildest rides of ones life. As I emerge through this, the impact to my marriage has been tested beyond belief. The strain of maintaining a daily work routine when you feel like **** and all you want to do is curl up in a ball due to the pain... The constant Doctors appointments and tests.... I swear to god if I drink anymore barium, I am gonna own the damn company. BUT THEN.... I sit back and I reflect- and I ask myself..... What are the postives of my surgery? Well- I was on 11 (yes eleven) medications a day for Diabetes and High Blood Pressure- I am now down to one I have lost 97 lbs- even though the scales will not budge and have not since February- Imagine that? 97 pounds...and they are NOT coming back!!! I no longer have aches and pains, and joint pain I can ride amusement park rides and have longer stamina I went from a 5x-6x to a size 2x-3x I have met some of the kindess warmest folks in the world via my online and local support groups. Without them, I would be in a straight jacket in the local looney bin. My family looks at me, and praise me on a daily basis on my accomplishments I guess that is something to be proud of. See My onlinephoto journals... http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?p...20669&members=1 http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?p...20669&members=1 ------------------------------------------------------ Would I do it again? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...... I would, but with a caviot When we go to support groups for help- we always hear the positives. Whenever anyone expresses an issue that appears "Negative" they get flamed, or ridiculed, or told they are doing something wrong. But you know folks, we need to hear it all... The good The Bad and the Ugly We need to know, and we need to accept that we are NOT the experts, and that there are many of us out there that DON'T fit the norm. We need to know that it is "OK" to tell folks the things we are going through- so those pre-ops know hey...this is a possibility Or those post ops who are having a hell of a time know- Hey- Let me email her, cause maybe she can help me or give me suggestions. We need to be acceptant that not everyone's surgery is a piece of cake, and that they can have ongoing issues for months, years, or the rest of their lives. I was afraid to post because I felt like I had nothing positive to say- and so I would rather not speak at all. I felt like no one would really care, or want to hear another persepctive of WLS...so I have sat back and held it all in. With major encouragement from Madame Rodriguez from Choosingandloosing and BAF; I have decided to come out of lurking mode and openly discuss these things. I want other folks to know that hey, its ok not to fit the norm, and its ok to talk about it. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to express myself. As Always I love and appreciate you all! Much Denise

Denise, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you have been going through so much. I too think that people should be able to post the bad with the good. I will be keeping you in my prayers that these doctors find the cause and quick. I can't begin to imagine what you are going through. Keep us informed as to how things are going. Love, Shelly E.

Denise - First of all let me just say to you that you are not a failure. You have a tremendous spirit and you are surviving right now. Just because you didn't reach your goal weight in one year or because you are having medical complications from the surgery does not mean you are a failure. Some people have to face greater challenges than others and we all have our own cross to bear in life. Yours sucks right now but I believe that you will get through this and you will overcome! I will keep you in my prayers. Have you considered going to Emory and seeing if they can help you? I know that a lot of wls surgeons won't take on someone else's patient, but I would find out if you can get a second opinion from Emory and also you may want to call Dr. Daly and see if he will see you. Don't be afraid to share the ugly side with preops. They need to know the risks associated with the surgery and if someone wants to flame you over it, well that's just their problem and not yours. Lisa 8/10/04 270/159/140 Dr. Hart

Hi Denise! You are absolutely right about how you feel, making whatever comments you wish and opinions. Thats what this board is about the good, the bad and the ugly. And you are not a failure at WLS Surgery, just because yours was not smooth sailing does not mean you failed. You have achieved alot more than the rest of us who do and did not have any kind of complications so give yourself a pat on the back, you're a survivor! If there are others that do not wish to see negative comments or opinions on this board that's their problem & advice them not to read them. Everyone is entitled to their own suggests, opinions & advise which do help others who are considering this journey or even the ones who are on this journey. This journey is a blessing; however, it should not be taken likely, there are risks and we all still don't know what risks may happen at 5 yrs, 10 yrs, & even 20 yrs down the road; but life is nothing but a big risk and if you don't try; how will you know. So Denise I give you my heart felt salute! Hang in there and if you ever need someone to talk to email me at [email protected] I'll be there for you! In my thoughts and prayers, stay tough, stay sweet and may your days from now on be sunny, with love and care!

Denise, I know you have not had an easy ride in the last year of your life. i thank my heavenly Father that I have been through much less trouble than others have with this journey. It is your RIGHT to be able to vent when you need to vent, to cry when you need to cry and to share the joys and happiness when tose come along as well. Everyone in this sight is in a similar situation....we're wanting to loose weight after too many years of struggling with bad diets and suffering with comorbidity issues this is the resolve we've taken ourselves to to try and make a better life for ourself. I'm GLAD you share your expirence with everyone. Everyone needs to hear ALL of the perspective sides of what can and DOES happen. It's not all an easy ride - though that is what we all pray for. Though I have not met you - I'd be willing to be you are one of th strongest people walking this earth for all you've been through you keep going. You're an amazing influence to the people here...... Please keep us posted as you continue to look for an answer to your problem. I will keep you and your family in my prayers!!! Remember - we love you here!!!! Dee Dee

((((clap)))) (((clap))) (((clap))) Very well said. I am a pre-op and I congratulate you on informing all of us (pre and post) about the many sides of WLS. Yes, you have been through a lot but from reading your post, I still feel your spirit. And as long as you have that spirit and that drive, you will succeed. My prayer to you is for GOD to put his powerful hands on the heads of those who are trying to locate the root of your problem. May GOD continue to strengthen you each day as you walk in his shadow and may that undetected pain that is wrenching your body miracously disappear as you heal in the name of JESUS. AMEN!

Denise, I would like to thank you for sharing your story on this website. I went into this surgery thinking I knew everything there was to know. I had even read the In Memorium section on OH. What no one ever mentioned was how horrible it would be for me! I know everyone is different and I know people who have had an easy time must feel very blessed. I, however, have had a difficult time and still have real issues with foods and the way I feel. I stayed away from this board for the same reasons you did. Who wants to read about the bad things that happen... is what I thought... and if you can't say something positive it is better to not say anything at all. I now know that this is wrong, and without people telling the bad as well as the good makes people go into surgery with rose colored glasses on.. like me. I was even a little upset that no one told me how bad it would be with my dear friends here and at my support group. I know if theres nothing bad to report they wouldn't report it but some people said, oh yeah, I remember that... I am just trying to say that I commend you for your post, and congratulate you for how far you have come. You are certainly no failure to me. I shall pray for you and your family. I hope your relationship with your hubby remains strong and flourishes under the pressure. I pray that they are able to find it anf fix it... you have had a long haul. I shall be proud to call you friend. Barb

Denise, I am sorry that you are having so much trouble, I have had a rough time too. In the last 2 years I have had 9 surgeries. Starting with my WLS, and second surgery to fix a bleed and I needed 6 units of blood. You are a absolutely right about nobody wanting to hear about the bad stuff, I have a friend that told me once that most pre-ops don't want to know the truth, they just want to hear the good stuff. Boy is this true, I found out once I had my complications. At 18 months out I had to have my gallbladder removed and 30 days after that I had an internal hernia and required emergency surgery. I could go on.... It took me 2 years to get to goal, so don't worry you will get there, I had only lost about 107 lbs and now have lost 187!! Hang in there! Feel free to email me if you want to talk about complications, I am the Queen of complications! [email protected] Hazel

Hi Denise~ I "feel" Your pain as one who nearly died postop. I too, prayed with you and personally knowing three of the ladies that simply responded to your post I KNOW God heard and answered our prayers. TELL YOUR STORY, GOOD, BAD & the UGLY because knowledge is POWER and we have soooo been gracious enough to live through it to tell our stories. I wish you much success in this journey. Crece

Dear Denise, Thank you sharing your story! It is VERY important that people know all of the possible outcomes of this surgery. Please keep us updated on your progress! I am praying for your doctors to receive wisdom and that your pain will end! What a blessing that you see the positives in your cir****tances. I've been missing you! Love ya' Becky