Did You Tell Everyone About Your WLS Journey or Not ??? - Advice on An Akward Situation

Did you tell your family and friends about your surgery or did you keep it to yourself?  This is my question to many of you post-oper’s out there. I know that there is no wrong answer but here is my reason for wanting to know.

 

I did tell my mom and dad about getting approval for the surgery and what I am going thru and explained that they were the only ones that I have told about this, thinking that meant to keep their mouth shut until I was ready to tell people and low and behold my grandparents are visiting for the holiday and the first thing when I walked in they started in about the surgery and how I would loose weight if I just did this or if I had done this in life…. Blah blah blah…… So is it wrong for me to be pissed at my mother for opening her big mouth?  When all my family got to the party tonight no matter who I went and sat by and tried to talk about something else the topic of my surgery was all my family wanted to talk about and out of the lot lets just say there was more downers than supporters. This is exactly why I didn’t want everyone to know.  Just throwing this out there, how do you deal with all the negativity?  Needless to say I came home early as I was very upset with her for taking my business public when it should have been my place to decide when and whom I told. I just felt like I was ambushed. Oh well, I have talked to her and calmed down – so now what do you do with all the opinions of those that don’t wish you well………………? this is now akward for me because I only wanted a hand full of people in my immediate family to know and now everyone knows and is asking questions... how do you handle that without being rude by saying to just let me be that I am doing this for me not them?

I  am not sure I will be able to help at all because I am the exact opposite. I went to a family get together last weekend, and I told everyone there about my upcoming surgery.  I never keep much to myself. All of the family and friends I talked to were very interested and supportive. Only my brother in law questioned me having the surgery done, and he questions everything. I have never really let other peoples opinions bother me. I am my own person, either they support me and are happy with my decision or I move on and don't fret over it. I figure they are not worth it!  

I went thru phases were I felt comfortable talking. I started with immediate family and then as I expanded, I got upset because I started encountering people that felt it necessary to share the horror stories they had heard.  Or I had the South Beach diet book put into my hands.  Then I stopped telling people until right before surgery, and only those who would see me on a daily basis.  Otherwise I would have not gone thru with the surgery due to the negativity.  Telling should be based on your comfort level.  Hate to beat on your mom, but she was way out of line for sharing that, regardless of her motivation.   As for the negative Nellies, you don't even have to discuss your reasons with them unless you feel they will be open to a true discussion/education (vs. an arguement).  If you feel you have to defend yourself, you always reserve the right to give them that "look" and say you prefer to not discuss it at this time.   I wish you peace about this whole process.  It can be quite emotional.  Once you are on the loser's bench, all the pre-op crap will fade from memory as you begin your new life. 

 

-Dawn

You know it is funny it never was a question for me to keep it to myself or not. I told everyone and I debated the people who were against it but the most part everyone I came across was extremly supportive. but now I kinda wish I had kept it to myself. I mean I am loosing but at a slower pace then everbody else. and people are constanly asking about how much I have lost and although they don't say it I can see that they are comparing me with others who dropped it faster. I now wished I kept it to mylef.

I am so sorry you are going through this difficult time right now.  If this had happened to me I also would have felt as you did  Now that the cat is out of the bag so to speak , based on what you said I don't think you have a date for surgery yet so, I would tell them that this is something that you are thinking about, that nothing is finalized yet.  This is a private and personal matter you don't wish to discuss but if and when it happens you will welcome any compliments they care to give. Than walk away. As for me: I told my Brother and asked him not to tell the rest of his family and he said he wouldn't. They live in Maryland and I am in Florida and haven't seen them since 1995.  I can't travel and they don't seem to want to come down here and spend the money to stay in a motel so my Brother and I email and talk on the phone from time to time. I doubt that he will say anything to them. I also told 4 friends. It seems like I have lost 2 of those friends over my decision. Guess they weren't friends after all HUH!  The other 2 are ok with my decision and stated they would help me in any way they can, yet when I asked for them to drive me to the hospital on the day of surgery and pick me up that same day, each one said they had to work.  The hospital I have to go to is about 1 to 1 1/2 hours away, I don't even have a date yet as I will be seeing my Dr for the first time on July 22nd.   However  I am thinking ahead and trying to figure out how am I going to do this all alone.  Well I am not sure if I helped any but I do hope that people will stop asking so many questions of you and just let you breath a bit and when you are ready to tell more that they will understand your decision and be there for you when you want them to be.

I told the immediate people in my life, family and boss, close friends, etc.  I wasn't secretive about it but I didn't shout it from the rooftops either.  I mostly encountered positive responses but a few negative "horror stories" popped up here and there too.  I took those stories into account, whether they seemed exaggerated or not.  This was a tough decision for me, and I wanted to know all the good and the bad I could get my hands on. I was expecting the news to spread, but it didn't really - either that means people were being respectful, or I'm not interesting enough to generate gossip Sometimes I wish I hadn't been open about it, but with the complications and long recovery I had, people would have figured out something was up anyway.  I mostly get a lot of questions now, like how much I eat, what kind of exercise I do, do I feel better, that kind of thing.  One thing I recommend personally is to keep your weight and how much you lose fairly private.  I don't mind talking about it with the people closest to me, who I know can keep their mouths shut, but I feel like random "almost strangers" at work do not need to know these things.  After they ask a few times and you don't give a straight answer, they usually drop it.  My favorite response for questions like that from nosey women was to say "well, what do you weigh?  I've probably lost about that much" and look them up and down appraisingly.  Most of the time they are in no hurry to share their weight either and change the subject.  So be careful of that and also of food police.  A lot of family and friends are going to say things like "should you be eating that?" or "you can eat a lot more than you could a few months ago" etc.  Its very irritating and I'd nip it in the bud because its none of their business.  Good luck!

I figured it was nobody's business. My assistant principal had had WLS about a year earlier that I did and she was the constant topic of conversation---what she was eating, had she lost too much, etc.  so no one at school knew about my surgery except that person and my good friend.  I have had a few folks who have been upset since that I did not "confide" in them.  When they heard I was having surgery, they assumed it was "female" stuff.  (Isn't what people perceive interesting?) I sent our good friends and family members a detailed description of the surgery (graphics and all) and told them I was having it.  Whatever they thought, they kept it to themselves---guess they figured I would flay them alive if they spoke up----it's good to be feared. I am not a person who wants others' approval or attention so this strategy worked for me.  Not to say, I don't appreciate the compliments.   Be aware that post-surgery some people become food police; you can prepare yourself for them.  The more insidious ones are those that want to sabotage you---bring you things they know you shouldn't eat---I've got one who teaches next to me.  She has over the last year decided I have lost enough weight (I weigh about what she does now----it was a horrible shock to her when she brought me an XL shirt and told me when I lost a little more weight, it would fit.--it was too small for her-- AND I popped that puppy right on! Whenever she brings me something or encourages me to indulge in the constant stream of crap that arrives in the teachers' lunchroom, I tell her it looks wonderful but if I eat it I'll throw up on her shoes and she'll have to cover my classes so I can go home and be sick for the rest of the day.  Shuts her up until the next time.

Boy, can I relate to this one!  My mother is also the "town crier" for our family.  I have learned NOT to tell her anything I don't want the rest of the family to know IMMEDIATELY!  I doubt you will be able to change her at this stage. As for the negativity...be aware that alot of that stems from jealousy, some from being uneducated about the procedure & consequences and the rest from people being negative in general. Try to be patient, but DON'T  let it get you down.  Naysayers are everywhere.  Be firm with your feet planted strong to your ground. This is YOUR choice, YOUR decision and YOUR body!  It will only be a few months for your family to see that its the best gift you could have ever given yourself!!  HUGS  Jeanine