X-post: From SSMO to obese
Hi all my BMI over 50 friends! I thought I would put this post over here too for people who don't get over to the RNY board where I post more frequently. Thought it might give hope to an over 50 pre-op who wonders if normal is ever possible. Forgive the copy/paste please as I am short on time.
Time to celebrate! I've gone from a BMI of 70 to a BMI of 39.9 - I am officially consdiered obese and no longer morbidly so!!! And to achieve that accomplisment I have officially lost 150 pounds!
I just want to share that even if you start as a heavyweight it's possible to get pretty close to normal. I have no ill conceived notions I'm going to be in a normal BMI category ever. Let me rephrase that. I have no desire to be. I kinda like being heavy. OK everyone pick up your jaws. See - WLS for me wasn't about being perfect looking or skinny. I've worked toward skinny for life and even when I had it I never saw it. I've had such destructive mental visuals of myself that even when I was thinner I never appreciated it for what it was. Thinness was never thin enough. Thinness never equaled happy either. How sad. To work so hard to finally be happy only to find out size had nothing to do with it. So this is the first time in my life I feel just fine. Not perfect. Not imperfect. Just fine. I'm finally Momma Bear's porridge.
I think a lot of my "fineness" has to do with follow the rules. The rules are pretty simple - in fact simple enough to complicate them. See - before when I "dieted" I made too many absolutes. I can never have ____ again. Then I have ____ and I get so incredibly guilty that I might as well give up and start eating again. It was like that since I can remember and I'm finally at a point where I can find forgiveness for the horrible mistakes I make. YES I continue to make them. Who needs a transfer addicition when the first one you have works fine and dandy? Will I continue to screw up with food for life? Probably. But have I made the changes neccessary to know to stop the madness? Absolutely. That's why the rules are strongly set in place in the forefront of my mind. Because even I've just binged on my drug choice, Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, I will be able to say "What the hell? Why'd you do that? It sure wasn't anything you needed and you need to follow the rules. I bet you don't even feel any better now anyway" and move on WITHOUT GUILT. It might have been a bad idea at the time but I am NOT BAD because I did it. I'm a work in progress and deserve to give myself a break if I do the same old same old and forgot the big picture in the middle of my meltdown. **** happens. And when it does I remember the following.
A good friends husband made a comment at a RYD obesity conference I went to. He was a recovering alcoholic and made the comment "I can handle my crazy when I'm not drunk". That still resonates in me today. How true is it? That we can handle our problems BETTER when we're not shoveling donuts and cake and cookies and chips down our throats? Because the hurt will still be there after the food is gone. Deal with the pain. Look the hurt in the eye. And move on from it. Because food is fuel and nothing more. And I can handle my crazy better when I'm not binge eating or starving myself.
So here's a picture of me at 390 pounds, SSMO and at deaths doorway. I was able to walk to the park that day (1 block) because it was right before surgery and I might have died on the table so I was determined to enjoy whatever time I had left. The picture on the right was taken at 240 pounds, minus over 100 inches, and right before I took the flower out of my hair and heels off her feet to go on a bike ride with my 3 year old who gets a lot more park time today because her mom can. Thank God for my RNY because without I wouldn't be able to celebrate my upper end of mere obesity! Hip Hip Hooray!
I just want to share that even if you start as a heavyweight it's possible to get pretty close to normal. I have no ill conceived notions I'm going to be in a normal BMI category ever. Let me rephrase that. I have no desire to be. I kinda like being heavy. OK everyone pick up your jaws. See - WLS for me wasn't about being perfect looking or skinny. I've worked toward skinny for life and even when I had it I never saw it. I've had such destructive mental visuals of myself that even when I was thinner I never appreciated it for what it was. Thinness was never thin enough. Thinness never equaled happy either. How sad. To work so hard to finally be happy only to find out size had nothing to do with it. So this is the first time in my life I feel just fine. Not perfect. Not imperfect. Just fine. I'm finally Momma Bear's porridge.
I think a lot of my "fineness" has to do with follow the rules. The rules are pretty simple - in fact simple enough to complicate them. See - before when I "dieted" I made too many absolutes. I can never have ____ again. Then I have ____ and I get so incredibly guilty that I might as well give up and start eating again. It was like that since I can remember and I'm finally at a point where I can find forgiveness for the horrible mistakes I make. YES I continue to make them. Who needs a transfer addicition when the first one you have works fine and dandy? Will I continue to screw up with food for life? Probably. But have I made the changes neccessary to know to stop the madness? Absolutely. That's why the rules are strongly set in place in the forefront of my mind. Because even I've just binged on my drug choice, Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, I will be able to say "What the hell? Why'd you do that? It sure wasn't anything you needed and you need to follow the rules. I bet you don't even feel any better now anyway" and move on WITHOUT GUILT. It might have been a bad idea at the time but I am NOT BAD because I did it. I'm a work in progress and deserve to give myself a break if I do the same old same old and forgot the big picture in the middle of my meltdown. **** happens. And when it does I remember the following.
A good friends husband made a comment at a RYD obesity conference I went to. He was a recovering alcoholic and made the comment "I can handle my crazy when I'm not drunk". That still resonates in me today. How true is it? That we can handle our problems BETTER when we're not shoveling donuts and cake and cookies and chips down our throats? Because the hurt will still be there after the food is gone. Deal with the pain. Look the hurt in the eye. And move on from it. Because food is fuel and nothing more. And I can handle my crazy better when I'm not binge eating or starving myself.
So here's a picture of me at 390 pounds, SSMO and at deaths doorway. I was able to walk to the park that day (1 block) because it was right before surgery and I might have died on the table so I was determined to enjoy whatever time I had left. The picture on the right was taken at 240 pounds, minus over 100 inches, and right before I took the flower out of my hair and heels off her feet to go on a bike ride with my 3 year old who gets a lot more park time today because her mom can. Thank God for my RNY because without I wouldn't be able to celebrate my upper end of mere obesity! Hip Hip Hooray!
Congrats on making it to obese!!! You have done a wonderful job and you are a wonderful inspiration to all of us. I have enjoyed watching my BMI fall in my few short weeks from surgery. Keep room on that "just obese" bench... I will be joing you in a few more months!!!
Congrats again
Caroline
MY JOURNEY BEGINS...
Jenny, Thanks for the repost. I don't spend as much time on the rny board and am so glad I got to read this first thing MOnday a.m. At 4 months, it's still pretty easy to follow the rules if you are doing "protein first". But I anticipate that as the pouch allows me to eat more that I will have more choices as to how I deal with "my crazy". And you are so right, the **** is still there (and then some) if you choose to binge. I did therapy for a year with an eating disorder specialist before I decided on surgery and I pray I remember every insight I discovered. Your post this morning brought a lot back and I thank you.
-Dawn
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