I'm not telling

I told my husband, parents and sister. (someone's got to watch my crazy dog while I recover) My in-laws will not know, for many reasons First my sister in law is a physician, shes' a vegeterian, and weighs like 98lb soaking wet.. she just pity's me and my weight. My husbnad and I did WW for the past 14 months and of course he lost all the weight he had gained over the years and now weighs what he weighed in th highschool. They just dont get why I can't do it. They would never understand this medical intervention. We lost my father-in-law due to an infection acquired during routine surgery.. let me tell you I am terrified after watching this amazingly healthy man die a slow death due to a hospital acquried infection. If I were to tell them they won't let me do it.. They will think I am in Boston on business. Not even telling them I am in the hospital. God forbid something happens to me.. my poor husband has to explain this 'secret' to them.

Sheila: Happy that your approval is final. As others have stated to tell or not is a personl choice. Points to ponder/reflect on in wrting here or to self (from both my professional and personal points of view) What emotions are driving your decision (*I see the reasons but I do not see the emotions behind them). How do you FEEL about having surgery? How do you feel about your mother not supporting you? Is there anger, sadness, hurt, loneliness, shame, guilt, fear etc? What is it you do not want to feel when ou hear these things? In a perfect world without bias or judgment would you share with others? Avoiding the naysayers can be avoiding some important feelings; what would you feel if someone tried to talk you out of surgery?, said you were taking the easy way out?, felt you can do it w/o the surgery? The satement "I just want them to think I DID IT ON MY OWN', perhaps you may already be ubconsiously judging yourself harshly that you should 'do it on your own', that you may be ashamed that you have to have surgery and cannot live up to your mothers or societies ignorant views/standards??? Many times we project our feeling onto others, I wish they wouldn't judge me means "I wish I wouldn't judge myself", "I want them to think I did it on my own=I wish I did it on my own" etc. "If I do not listen to others I won't have to listen to myself (internal dialogue). If I pretend for the rsot of the world I didn't have WLS, maybe I can believe it myself. I am not saying these are conscious thoughts at times they are very deep rooted unconscious thoughts and beliefs we have from the toxic shame man of us grew up with as children/teens/young adults, shame that BELONGS TO and came from society, our friends and family!!! Speaking our truth to ourselves and others frees us from the shaming bonds, we are the best example of how to reat us. By having healhty boundaries, assertive not passive or agressive behavior, showing the world I am perfect just the way that I am at this moment and that I am choosing for me to have WLS helps us foster our self esteem adn give the shame back to socity. SHAME On them for thinking we are fat and lazy, shame on them for being uneducated about morbid obesity and the only proven effective treatment is surgery at this time, shame on them for opening thie mouths and projecting their anger, and ignorance and envy and jealousy onus (some secretyly wish they had the esteem and courage to make this decision instead they knowck us down to build themselves up). A warrior never turns their back to the battlefield! I remember this every day, life is hard, food is easy. I chose life and all of its challenges vs numbing myself with food. I speak my truth, I accept myself as I am, and I accept others for who they are. I choose to have support in my life and limit those who can not support me, this for me is the healthy boundaries. If I tell someone and they are shaming, guilting I can choose to listen and take on their stuff or let them keep it. These are just my views, not for everyone. Points to ponder. What I have discovered on my almost 5 yr postop journey. When I keep the shame I eat to keep it down, When I do not feel it, work through it and release it it eats me up, I cannot numb, I can not hide. I no longer want to hide me, I am loving, loveable and loved just as I am. Having WLS makes me no less of a person or someone else more of a person. It does not give anyone the right to hurt me. Consider exporing how you feel, what you fel and how you may avoid feling. These are powerful clues that canhelp you on the WLS journey for the gastric bypass does nothing on the brain as we know. We can find ourselves even more raw and exposed in 1 yr weighing less andhurting just as much with less protection. In learning to speak our truth, be present now, be loving, kind and genltle with ourselves in an open and self responsible way we will have joy, happiness prosperity and abundance. Sometimes this means choosing not to tell, or to tell part of the story, I am having abdominal surgery, it is personal thank you, that is healthy. When people commenton ho u r losing wt, saying i am ating les and exercsing more, that is true and what willneed to happen even with WLS. We do not have to be a WLS billboard unless that is what we want, but we also do not have to give other people what they need to hear to cover up ourselvs and eny our selves is all I am saying. I know deep down for some not telling is partly because they worry IF I FAIL THEY WILL SAY TOLD YOU SO, in this thinking self sabotage is already in the making that you will fail because what we beleive we creat, what we think about happens, what we project out become reality..Project sucess, self estem even if we have to fake it untill we make it. I bet you can gues I told everyone, I delt w/ the naysayers by being educatedI had an asnwer for any of their negative questions or statements, it reinforced my decision and shot them down quick. Many times the language we use helps. Saying thank you for your concenr about me and then end it, many times they can not respond to that! I do have a handout or two on this if youwant email me [email protected] if you want! ************************************* It's no secret society perceives gastric bypass to be 'the lazy person's cure' for obesity. This shaming/harsh criticism can be a painful thing for a morbidly obese person to face when they decide to have WLS. Unlike other illnesses obesity is seen to be a character flaw, one tht is self-inflicted; allowing society to skip their manners and openly diagnose and treat the fat person. Any obese person will cite an incident where they've been told "Eat less, exercise more." We know the slogan and for most dieters the slogan isn't working very well!!! Losing weight is never easy. NEVER. Not with even commerical diets, pills etc. Ad we know losing weight is not easy even with weight loss surgery. What is easy (but not really) is being fat, staying fat and getting fatter. Losing weight is never easy. If it were easy would 60+++% of the population be statistically obese? In the research lierature it is known that support or lack of is a significant factor in longterm success. Support of friends, family as well as online and in person support groups. *Like sharing proven, practical tips and strategies for dealing with the various problems that test and frustrate newbies. *Like remembering where I used to be, how far I've come, and how important it is to keep working my food and exercise programs so that I never, ever take a step back toward the morbid obesity that tortured my body and soul. *And like feeling again the very special and unique bonds that WLSers feel and enjoy with each other. *Everyone is encouraged, acknowledged, applauded and heard. No one is put down, excluded, disrespected, ignored or abandoned. It is clear that everyone is there to help and to support. Which is why WLS Support Groups are such a blessing and gift for so many of us. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ FROM: http://www.waynesmith.net/lapband/faq/pouch_management.htm UNDERSTANDING THE FUNCTION OF THE SMALL GASTRIC POUCH; APPLICATION TO POST-OP TEACHING AND EVALUATION By Latham Flanagan, Jr., M.D., FACS SUPPORT GROUPS We have found that support groups are very effective in reinforcing the principles of the pouch/tool use. Many, if not most, patients will explore these principles on their own by using them and then for a time not using them. Some patients on their own become convinced of the value of these principles through this natural experimentation. However, others may lose their way. The support group offers an excellent feedback mechanism for individuals who need reinforcement of the principles of the pouch use. Sometimes, the feedback of their peers is more effective than that of the parental figures in the surgeon's office. ************************************************ So even if your friend and family won't/can't support you, find all the support you can, esp. so you can deal with them as they generally will try to sabotage at times.! Beware The Ultimate Diet Derailers http://www.ediets.com/news/article.cfm/cmi_187914/cid_7 By Dr. Matthew Anderson Exclusive for eDiets You start a diet with the best intentions. You do well for one week, then two. Then something causes you to break the diet. You get discouraged and you stop your diet completely. What happened? Was it lack of willpower or self-discipline? Were you just plain lazy? Was the diet defective? The answer is NO. You are not weak, lazy or immature and your diet was fine. You have probably been the victim of what I call a DIET DERAILER -- a mysterious force that can destroy the best diet or the best intentions. I have identified two deadly DIET DERAILERS below. If you prepare yourself, you can defeat them when they arise. You need not fall victim to their destructive influences. !!!!!!!great article!!!!!!!!!!!!! How to Handle Sabotage BY: Pat Fiducia and Anna Delany Learn how to say "no" Losing weight is never an easy walk in the park, but when you have to deal with sabotage from others it's more like a hike up Mount Everest. It's difficult enough when you talk your own way out of exercising and into a big piece of cheesecake, but when someone else does it for you, how are you supposed to react? Recognizing sabotage and learning to respond to it effectively are crucial for successful and permanent weight control. Are you being sabotaged? When you first tell people you're going to lose weight, chances are you get a response something along the lines of: "But you're great just the way you are!" While that's kind, and probably well-intended, it would be more helpful for you to hear something like: "Well, I like you however you are, but I'm glad you want to make some changes and take better care of yourself. What can I do to help?" When someone says instead that you should "quit worrying about your weight and eat another coconut cream pie," they are - intentionally or not - sabotaging your goals. Sabotage can be understood as anything anybody says or does to actively discourage you from achieving your weight loss goals. A "saboteur" can be anyone - from your spouse, to your mother, to a colleague. Why people "commit" sabotage "Eat! I made these especially for you." When people sabotage your goals it's usually because they are uncomfortable with the changes you're making and don't like to have their comfort zone threatened. We all exist in our own comfort zones where the predictable behavior of others makes us feel secure. When someone changes, it threatens that comfort zone. Our natural reaction to that threat is to want - consciously or not - to stop the change that caused it, and the result is sabotage. When people want us to be "just the way we were" they tend to say things like: "I know you are trying to lose weight, but I don't like to eat alone." "You don't need to lose weight - you look great!" "Why bother? This is your 10th diet this year. You never stick to them anyway." "Come on, have just one more drink." "Stop being so selfish. You don't need to go to the gym. Spend time with me instead." "Gee honey, you were so good this week, you deserve a treat, let's go out for ice cream." "I slaved over this homemade, deep-fried, chocolate-covered pie just for you, so you have to eat another piece." "I'm not on the diet; you are. So why should I suffer? I want to have ice cream, cake and cookies in the house." Sabotage can also stem from a lack of knowledge, a lack of empathy or simple jealousy at your determination to improve your body and health. Why you shouldn't listen "Don't listen to the cheesecake... or anyone who says you have to eat it"! If sabotage has been making you think things like "Maybe they're right. Why should they have to change what they do? I'm the one with the problem," or "It's not fair to put my needs before theirs," or "I don't want them to be upset with me," then you need to challenge your thoughts. Think about it - if you choose to eat a carrot stick instead of a chocolate chip cookie, how does that burden anyone? And perhaps those around you could also do with some healthy changes anyway. Understandably, you don't want to upset anyone too much. Dealing with sabotage isn't always easy or comfortable, and you may look for reasons to avoid the problem. You may be hesitant to speak up for yourself because of your own uncertainty, or fear that you will displease others. But remember that if you easily concede to discouragement from your goals you won't reach them. On another level, each time you say "yes", when you mean "no", you might create a passive anger within yourself. That passive anger boomerangs in the form of guilt and depression. When you are angry, depressed, or feeling guilty, your resolve and ability to maintain new lifestyle changes is significantly compromised. Turning sabotage into support Explain to others why their support is important to you. Losing weight and changing your lifestyle is difficult; you need all the support you can get. So when you encounter sabotage, resolve to make friends, not enemies. It's better not to flare up and battle every time sabotage rears its ugly head. Battles and hostile confrontation create stress, and stress makes it difficult to lose weight, both psychologically and physiologically. Instead of knee-jerk reactions, explain to the saboteur why you need to avoid certain foods and situations right now. You don't need to shove good eating habits down anyone's throat, so to speak, but actually sitting down and explaining to a person why you are serious about losing weight can be very effective. If others are still resistant to your change of lifestyle, then educate them as to why healthy eating and exercise is good for everyone. At all times be assertive, but not aggressive or obnoxious. And if you refuse food, make sure people understand you are not rejecting them personally! You are just rejecting their offer of food. If, after all your efforts, you still can't get the support you want, be firm in your own resolve. You are not the problem. The problem is the need in others to maintain the status quo or control. Five effective ways to respond to sabotage Sabotage can come from anywhere at any time. Here are some of our best tips for handling sabotage in various situations: If you're at the office make sure you are prepared for the onslaught of available candy, mid-morning treats, and vending machines by filling up before you go to work. If you eat a good breakfast, you are less likely to succumb to greasy donuts and calorie-loaded candy! You can also keep healthy, lowfat snacks in your bag, briefcase, or drawer for when temptation hits. If you're cornered by one of those over-bearing types who absolutely insists on shoving another plateful of deep-fried scampi down your throat without even asking you if you want any, then say "no" decisively. There are hundreds of ways you can say no: "No, I'm full thanks," "No, I'm allergic to cake," "No thanks, it's too late for me to eat sugar, I won't sleep," "No thanks, it I eat another morsel, I will upchuck on the tablecloth!" If saying no just doesn't work, and the food is still plunked down in front of you, be strong in your resolve; leave the food there and don't eat it. You might feel a bit rude, but let's face it, a person who simply refuses to listen to you is ruder! If your spouse is showing "support" (yeah right) by stocking the fridge with your favorite beer, cheesecake, pizza and ice cream and then eating them in front of you, don't explode! Explain why a healthy weight and lifestyle are important to you now. Who knows, he or she may decide to join you. At the least you can ask him or her to respect your decisions. If talking really doesn't work, stick to your resolve and remove yourself from the situation if you can. If you have the kind of "helpful" friend who is constantly barraging you with pointless criticism, simplistic solutions for weight loss, and nosey questions about your food plan, try saying something like: "Actually, my approach to weight loss is working out well for me at the moment, but thanks anyway." That ought to get the "butt out!" point across, without sounding too harsh. If you want to say "yes" because the fries just smell soooo good, or because someone is waving plates of tasty treats under your eyes, or because you don't want to upset whoever made the triple-chocolate-cream layer cake, have your refusals ready. Say "No" even if you aren't thinking it. For example: Say: "No, thank you, I've already had two pieces." Even if you're thinking: "Two pieces the size of a pea!" Say: "No thank you, I am really quite full." Even if you're thinking: "I hope she didn't notice I was spellbound by that chocolate mousse." Say: "No thanks, I have high blood pressure." Even if you're thinking: "Who cares if my blood pressure is 180/100? I want more potato chips." Say: "No thanks. My doctor absolutely forbids me to have any of that while I am on medication." Even if you're thinking: "I wish I had a diet pill right now." Say: "I have to take a medical test and I need to fast." Even if you're thinking: "This is the real test. Get me out of here fast or I'll eat the whole buffet!" Sabotage from anyone is painful and difficult, and it's particularly tough when it comes from those who you expect to be loving and supportive. When others sabotage you, remember that the problem lies with them and not you. Stay strong in your resolve and say "no" - your health and waistline may depend upon it! Last updated: July 28th, 2005 http://www.calorieking.com/library/article.php?path=13%2C66&art_id=642&printable=yes&novie ws=yes ______________________________________________________________ DIET DERAILERS 1. FAMILY FOOD-ENABLERS Every participant in a Twelve Step program (Al-Anon, AA, etc.) knows what an enabler is. The enabler is someone, usually a family member, who unwittingly contributes to the very problem they want to stop. A Family Food-Enabler (FF-E) is someone close to you who wants you to lose weight. On the surface, they support you. But their interaction with you produces the opposite. They seem to say and do exactly the wrong things. Without realizing it, they encourage you to break your diet. Their enabling behavior usually falls into four categories: A. CRITICISM The FF-E always has a negative comment about your weight, your clothing size, your looks and/or the amount of food you are eating. "I'm just trying to help!" is a common excuse that follows a critical and ultimately destructive remark. These "loving" attacks actually activate your Inner Judge and cause you to eat more. B. OUT-OF-CONTROL EATING Many FF-E's are out-of-control eaters themselves. As such, they model and encourage self-destructive eating habits. They fill the refrigerator with tempting diet-breaking foods and often eat them in front of you. You obviously don't need "support" like this. C. DIET DENIAL Some FF-E's act as if you are not on a diet. They deny its existence. Instead they frequently offer you food to make you feel better. Often they do this under the guise of sympathy or love. "Hear, dear, have some cake. It will make you feel better." What are you going to do? Refuse their love? You eat. D. WEIGHT ATTENTION The FF-E seems to ALWAYS notice your weight, whether it goes up or down. This hyper-awareness may be called support but it actually makes you more weight conscious and self-critical. What You Can Do About Family Food-Enablers I hate to tell you this, because I know you won't like it -- but the only way to deal with serious FF-E's is C O N F R O N T A T I O N. You don't have to yell or make a scene, but you do have to be firm and clear. If you can't confront them yourself, try this. Make a copy of this article, underline the part about them and give them a copy (don't give them my email address -- I don't want any hostile messages). Three Things To Say To Family Food-Enablers 1.. No more criticism about my weight, ever! It is my responsibility. 2.. No more talk about my weight, ever! It is my responsibility. 3.. If you really want to support me -- do the following: A. Change your eating habits. B. Stop denying that I am on a diet. C. Get off my back. 2. SELF-CRITICISM -- THE HYPER-ACTIVE INNER JUDGE An Inner Judge attack works like this. You begin your diet. For a while all is well. Then for no obvious reason, the Hyper-Active Inner Judge begins its criticism. Often it starts with issues unrelated to your weight. "You are an inadequate mother. Your house is dirty. Why haven't you been more successful?" If it is allowed to go on, you eventually have a self-hate attack. Then, unable to cope with this barrage of painful judgments, you break your diet and eat to feel better. The good news is you can learn to manage the voice of this destructive mental intruder. Try the following exercises. How To Stop Inner Judge Attacks 1.. Acknowledge its existence. Admit it. Then get to know it. What does it say? When does it like to attack? Awareness is the key here. Pay attention. 2.. Confront the Judge. Imagine, even for a moment, that this Voice is wrong. It is not your friend and it does not want to help you. Then confront it. Stand up to it. Tell it to shut up and go away. Confrontation works, even if you do it a little. Try it. If you want more tough minded tools for help with diet derailers please email me at [email protected] . Now go do your homework. Matthew Anderson, D. Min., is a counselor, organizational consultant, seminar leader and the author of books and tapes that can help you overcome your obstacles to well-being. To learn more about Dr. Anderson, click here. eDieters can join Dr. Anderson for his weekly chat each Thursday at 7 p.m. EST. _______________________ Emotionsal issues re the hardest part of wt loss/maintenance u r worth it and can do it, beleive! HUGS Take Care, Jamie Ellis RN MS NPP Lap RNY 10/9/02 Dr. Singh 320/163 5'9'' (lost 45 before Surgery) Plastics 6/9/04 & 11/11/2005 Dr. King "Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect, it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections!"