Dangerous waters

As some of you are aware, I suffer from major clinical depression and have for many years. It is severe enough that I must take a pharmacy full of meds and I'm still not 'okay. At any rate, I've been under a great deal of stress lately and when that happens my depression and anxiety worsen. I have posted about some stressors, but there are is a great deal going on under the surface that I don't discuss and to say that I'm stressed is a MAJOR understatement. Unfortunately, I have found that despite my efforts to maintain my equilibrium, I'm failing. I'm find myself in very dangerous waters. I'm not eating well... instead, I'm finding myself comfort eating. I'm consuming way too many simple carbs and not nearly enough of the good stuff I should be consuming. I'm also having trouble remembering to take my supplements ... and my anti-depressants.

Right now, I'm struggling to do the basic things I need to do to take care of me... Taking my my meds and vitamins. Preparing nutritious meals. Getting exercise.

My weight is holding steady... but, I know that I'm not taking care of myself. I worry about the longer term implications of my behavior. I'm working on it. I'm trying hard. But, I'm not being nearly as successful as I would like.

When things are going okay, I seem to do well. When I'm struggling some, I can keep my head above water, but now that I'm really taking on water and tanking, so is my nutrition. I find this really frightening.

 

Oh Barbara, I have been so, so, so worried about you.  I know all too well how life's latest events have to be effecting you.  How I wish I had the magic words to make things right. 

Do you remember a time in your life before you were diagnosed...before you actually knew what was "wrong" with you?  I remember that time regarding my own experience with depression/anxiety and I am so thankful that the difference in me now from then is that I recognize what is happening. 

To this day, I send hubby the S.O.S. signals to let him know...ut oh!  I feel a rough patch happening!  Normally he has already sensed it coming before I even have to tell him that, but it's good to have learned to tap into it myself and see it for what it is.  I commend you for that!  You recognize you are not on steady ground at the moment and that it is the outside stressors that are causing it.  Just like those who are getting off of their WLS plan, you tell them the first key to success is recognizing that. 

Now is the time for you to reach out for help from those around you.  I know your loved ones have to know the drill by now.  You are going to need extra help, understanding, patience...just an extra dose of TLC.  Let them! 

Do not put any extra things on your shoulders right now, Barb.  I know, you are like me and you want to shoulder everything...but you can't and you especially can't right now.  Pare down and simplify everything you can.  Focus on the little things and set mini-goals of what you need to focus on right now to make sure you are taking care of yourself...your anti-depressants, your supplements, healthy eating (keep only those foods on hand and beg your family to cooperate with that), just time to relax and destress.  There have been times where the depression has been so debilitating, it took my hubby actually physically putting my medication in my mouth and the water to my lips!  Ask for whatever help you need and do not waste any energy beating yourself up over it.  (Yes, I know you!)

I can't share all of my life's stressor on a public forum either, so we understand that and respect your for your grace in that regard.  Please know that I am thinking of you and if there is anything, anything in the world I can do to help make this time for you more manageable, I am just an email or a phone call away. 

Sending you the warmest (((hugs))) I can possibly manage! 

(Edited to split into paragraphs to make more sense..and to add just a couple more things!)

Hi Shauna,

Thank you for your lovely, loving, thoughtful reply. I appreciate it more than words can convey.

Dear Sweet Barbara! I just want to put my big fat arms around you and give you a HUG!
So sorry you're going thru such troubles. You are so strong for everyone else. It's time to think about yourself now. I agree 100% with Shauna. Try to make things as simple as possible.
I know it's very hard to do but you can't bear the weight of everyone on those tiny shoulders.
Try to get out of the house and get some fresh air today or just maybe see a movie.
Something uplifting. I sure wish I could help!

Hi Pam,

I'm trying to simplify, but right now, life is anything but simple. So, I'm doing my best and trying to be gentle with me. Thanks for your supportive response.

Love you Barb (((((HUG))))))) Not sure what else to say, I wish I knew......

Thanks Kim... Sometimes a hug is all that is necessary. Thanks so much for all you have done. Even if nothing comes of it, the hope it brings is worth more than I can say and who knows...

Thanks again,

Barbara, I am so sorry you are going through this right now.  The only thing I can think of to say is what sometimes I have done to help me when I want to stop taking my anti depressants.  I either get my husband involved in it to have him help me to remember that it is time to take it i.e. scheduling it to take when he will be home so he can remind me or even give it to me, or have him able to call and tell me it is time to take it until I am able to do it on my own again.  The other thing I do is to keep it right where I see it all the time and have to face it, in this case I keep it right here at my desk since I spend way too much time here and where I can't look at the screen without seeing it right beside the monitor.
I hope you can find ways to work on the eating and everything as I know that when I begin beating up on myself for doing it wrong, I mess up even worse.  Please know that we are always still here whenever you need to "talk".
Hugs,
Saprina

Barb~
I am sorry you are having such a rough time. Please take the time to TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!! I always have to be reminded by hubby that I am *not* superwoman and when I get migraines and tensed up and have a anxiety attack I know its time to take some *me* time. I hope things go smoother for you!! (((((hugs))))

Darcie

Thank you Darcie... B