one month blues

Hey everyone…   It’s been a very VERY long month. I’ve managed to stay more publicly positive than the every present inwardly negative depression i am feeling about this whole surgical and life changing experience. I sometimes wonder if it’s just my survival instinct kicking in, rather than some optimistic fantasy land where I believe if I just “work hard I can achieve my goals!” I'm not physically active yet, I sleep all the time, I'm exhausted.  

I’ve worked towards the goal of WLS for so long (my process was almost 8 years. My mom had hers in 2000 and it took me 6 years to finally decide if I wanted to do it, then 2 years to get approved,) that by the time my surgery came and I woke up in recovery, I felt almost shell shocked. It was a dream for so long, it almost didn’t seem real.  

So every day I wake up and think I am still normal, I’m still me, then I roll to my side and that pulling is still there and I sit up and have to burp for 2 minutes before I can think straight, then I have to wander into the kitchen and decide if I want to drink something or eat something first. By this time I’m already frustrated and irritated. I’m so sick of thinking about food; about vitamins and water and proteins and fat grams. I know the majority of this surgery is retraining the brain, a "forever diet", and there is a part of me that believes one day all this will become second nature. I have to keep reminding myself that I am still only a month out and it’ll get better. I constantly have to re-assure myself. I am afraid I am going to lose it if I don’t.  

I am having a bout of buyer’s remorse. I find myself thinking “why did I do this to myself? I wish I’d never done this,” about a thousand times a day. I hear myself constantly apologizing for how tired and cranky and spaced and just irritated I am to my boyfriend, family, friends and co-workers. I miss not having to think about food, just throwing whatever into my mouth. I know this is what got me to over 300lbs, but it’s so hard for me right now. I feel so unsatisfied with everything I eat. I don’t even miss taste, I miss quantity. The other day I cried for 20 minutes after I couldn’t finish an entire cheese sandwich. That’s not normal. I feel like someone has died and I didn't get to say good-bye.  

Everyone close to me is being so supportive and I don’t think I would have made it this far without you guys as well, and I feel like I’m just being a big baby most of the time… everyone else can make it through all this just fine, why am I so miserable? I guess I’m not looking for much advice here; I just wanted to vent and cry a little and have a pity party.  

All I really want to know is, is this going to get easier? Is there going to come a time when the scale actually moves and I don’t have to think about this 24 hrs a day? I really love you guys and value your opinions. I don’t mind a little butt kicking if necessary. 

Ah Karlaane, I'm going to let the pros speak to you from their experience, but I want you to know that I read your post and feel for you!  I can hear in your words that you honestly feel that "this too shall pass," but just need confirmation of that.  It doesn't seem fair to have to have such an extreme "diet" mentality after all this, does it?  I would think the good thing is that you are acknowledging what is happening, talking about it, and trying to work through it the best you can.  Don't be afraid to reach out for additional help if you need it.  Hope things get better for you real soon.  {{{Hugs}}}

Yes, Karlaanne, it will get better. I do not have time to type a long reply, I am at work and have to go teach, but wanted to say it will all be ok!!!!!!!!! I felt that way also. Your hormones are crazy and that doesn't help. I am almost 16 months out, and I still have a few moments where I think wouldn't it be nice to eat that, but overall I am So happy I did this! I couldn't have said that at one -three months. I was miserable and throwing up alot (stricture) and slow healing and there were multiple times when I just lost a pound a week and thought I could do this without having my guts rerouted but I know I would have gained it all back. Anyhow, save this post and reread it 6 months from now. Guaranteed you'll feel much better!

Take care!
Lisa

Karlaanne, consider this your first "butt kick"...  stop focusing on what you CAN'T have; think instead on what you can have and as you move into the following weeks, you will be adding more and more variety of foods to your menu.  STOP thinking about this as a DIET!  It is NOW the way you will live the rest of your life, IF you want to be successful.   You didn't go through all this to fail.  It is natural to miss certain foods and feel like you want more to eat but believe me, this will pass and be easier to live with as you see the scales move and your clothes get bigger and bigger on you. 

START to exercise a little each day; it will do wonders for your mood and will help you physically feel better.  Walk some each day and increase the time weekly.  Start to lift some weights to build muscle.  If you don't have any, cans of food or milk jugs with some water or sand will work.  Just DO IT! 

Now, that I've kicked your butt a little, just know that all us post-ops have been there and know how you feel.  We love you and each other, that's why we are here on OH.  This support group is the back bone of our success!  Now, get off that computer and go walk for 5 minutes!!!!! 

Luv ya, Alice

Im going to give you a glimpse of how my life is now - I am 2 years and 4 months out, I have maintained my goal weight since Feb of this year, so 8 months so far. I no longer 'think' about anything... I eat at a scheduled time each day, its automatic.. like brushing ones teeth when they get up or getting dressed before leaving the house. The only time I think about vits/supps is when they are getting low and I have to go out and buy more (I buy in bulk so only every 3 months or so!). I eat and get satisified - I no longer have to eat the whole thing... (I was a BIG volume eater pre-op so I completely understand where you are comming from)... overall I make healthy choices each day and dont have to weigh/measure/log my food I just keep basic track in my head... I allow myself treats now and then and still eat not so great food but only on occasion... I feel I eat how most normal healthy weight adults eat. I still weigh daily but its only to keep myself on track... if the scale goes up more than 3lbs I know its time to pay closer attention to what I am eating, the scale quickly goes back down without a struggle (I find personally salt is my biggest enemy, damn tha****er weight).
My suggestion to you is this - focus on the future... I had surgery in June my 'fantasy' was how Christmas was going to be - I go home to Florida every year and nobody would have seen me (my dad came up for the surgery)... how would I look? what would I wear? where would I go? what would I do? Any time I felt down or that I was struggling I would think about that and push myself to do the best I could so I could be the belle of the ball when I arrived home to friends and family. I chose during my whole journey to focus more on short-term goals than long-term.. I never thought I would see goal weight, I couldnt wrap my mind around it, so the smaller goals helped me until I reached the big one :-)
Just keep hanging in there, know you are not the first nor the last to feel how you feel and it WILL get better for you.. take each day as it comes and note the improvements, no matter how small, as they come... celebrate each and every goal/milestone/accomplishment as you achieve it to keep that momentum going.

Hey girl, sorry your feeling so down about all this and I know exactly how you feel. Since finding out I had the stricture, this week has been better and now I'm back to having to force myself to eat and its a pain in the butt. A couple weeks ago I did have the head hunger but that's all it was and I got pass it. Besides going to the pulmonary rehab gym that I've been going to for almost a year I joined another gym and went there yesterday and believe me it felt so good to know that at least I'm trying to work on toning up as I lose this weight. I suggest you join some type of gym to where you will be around other people and maybe make some friends. I know the YMCA has some type of program that's based on your income if that might be a problem.
Just know I'm thinking about you and if you want to send me a private message please do. I'm on my way to the rehab and want be bac****il this afternoon but will check messages then.
God Bless!

Hi Karla,
I think what you are going through is a type of grieving.
You are grieving over the loss of a friend that you have had for years the friends name is Food.
Food can be our best friend at times and it can be our worst enemy.
There are many times I think to myself yeap I can eat that whole half of a sandwich but quickly find out it is not going to happen if by chance it does I end up feeling misrable.
WLS is not easy and it is hard work on a daily bases.
I have found that many foods now taste wonderful so wonderful I would swear it is the best thing I have ever had and would love to just keep eatting it.
I am learning to totally enjoy a few ounces and focasing on the feeling of satisfaction.
When I was at my highest weight I dont think I really knew what feeling full was I was eatting to fill a void.
During a very bad time in my life I used food to comfort me many times.
Food did not yell at me it tasted good and was soothing.
I am having to look at food now as fuel for my body keeping in mind my body is a machine and needs fuel to run.
I am finding there are other things in life that bring me pleasure other than food.
Just to be able to move around and or dance,or clean my house within a few hours makes me very happy.
With my morbid obesity I was a prisoner in my own body.
I am free now and living life for the first time.
My advise to you is to contact Karen at UNC I am sure she can point you in the right direction on what you need to do to feel better.
Also to all the peolpe on this board who have had surgery or are looking into it we are heros in our own right.
We are making a path for others to follow who do not have to be held prisoners any more in our own bodies.
                                                            Love and Light,
                                                                   Annie

Hi KarlaAnne,

I'm sorry that you are struggling so. I really think that the first 2, 4, 6 and 8 weeks are the hardest ... It's such an enormous adjustment and I think for most of us, if we had'nt had the surgery and could have opted out at the point, many would; but, thank goodness once we start this journey we are on it for the duration.

It's really normal for us to develop buyer's remorse. There is this sense of OMG! I'll never be able to eat 'normally' again. Generally speaking, that's not the case. While you won't be able to handle the volume you once did, that's a real blessing. You may not be able to handle fats and sugars in the quantities you used to, but to be honest, even that tends to change somewhat with time and again, while your head and emotions may want you to swim in a chocolate sundae or something else, you right brain and body want you to be able to enjoy life and food without killing yourself in the process.

As everyone else has said, this too shall pass and I promise, it will get better, much better. As Jennifer said, I don't 'focus' on food nearly as much anymore and I too eat in a way that I think is probably pretty 'normal' for most people with a normal BMI. I do eat 5 or 6 times a day. I weigh daily and like Jennifer, just make adjustments if the scale moves more than 3 lbs either direction. I only log my intake now if I'm having trouble maintaining my weight, one way or the other, but the farther out I get, the better I'm getting at knowing how much is right for me. I only really 'think' about it in terms of making sure that I get my suppliments in now, but even that is getting better as I have developed a rhythm for that too.

It's really normal for you not to be able to consume a cheese sandwich at this point in your journey. I honestly, very rarely had much bread when I was as early as you are because I was so limited on the volume that I could manage and it didn't have enough flavor or nutrional quality to warrant the 'real estate' ... if you know what I mean. That said, last week a made some fresh tomatoe basil soup w/italian cheese and then did some grilled cheese sandwiches that were cut up into small slivers. I enjoyed a couple of slivers with my soup and cheese. It was fantastic! I also had procuito, cheese and melon, but again just a sliver or two and I was satisfied.

Hang in there dear... It will get better and I look forward to hearing how worth it this struggle has been in about 3 months, 6 months, 1 year and more from now.

Barb

Hey Girl,
I've heard the same thing from several people in my WLS group.
At around 4 wks they start to realize that food is no longer there to be the comforter.
And they are drained from having to focus so much on taking the water, getting in the protien, worring if a new food will be a problem.

The suggestions from the 1yr out people was to find new activities. Do a little brainstorm and make a list of as many things (big and small) as possible that you want to do or try.  Spend some time planing short little trips to take on the weekend. One girl is going to take a jewlry making class at a local Michaels Craft store, another is going to go walking at some of the local parks in her area with her husband, another is joining a Scrap book group.

Definitely try getting involved with a support group if you haven't already.
Talking with others who have undergone this MAJOR change in ones life is definitly a positive.

Hoping things begin to turn around for you, quickly !!!!!

PS. Both my WLS Psychiatrist and Nutritionist said week 4 is when they recommend people come and see them again.