What to do about a family members weight?

Somebody had posted this topic on the RNY board and I thought it would be a good carry over discussion here. They talk about their moms eating habits and how they feel seeing their mom struggling the way they did... here is my response - comments welcome! Its funny you brought this up... last night as I was laying in bed I was thinking about my father and his weight. About a year before I decided to look into the surgery I had gone home to visit for Christmas. When I got out of the car my dad came outside and he started to cry and said he was scared I was going to die because I kept getting bigger and bigger each time I saw him and it just wasnt healthy. 
ouch. That was really hard. (my eyes are tearing up just thinking about it!!!)
Well now I keep getting smaller and smaller each time I see him..... but now he is the one who is getting bigger and bigger. He got remarried almost 2 years ago and his wife does NOT cook.. she loves to order out or eat at the bar (shes a huge bar fly) and we all know bar food is not good. My dads cooking is pretty much limited to the grill - burgers, hot dogs, chicken... and the stove/oven - tacos, meatloaf, spaghetti... thats about it. My dad was rasied as a 'meat and potatoes' guy and doesnt do veggies except salad and lettuce/tom/onion on his burgers. When I was just home this past Christmas all I saw my dad eating was fat fat fat. While I was there he ate hamburgers (I am sure it was the 80/20 meat too!), potato salad (I about fell over when I checked the label), lots of cookies... he cooked breakfast one day and he about finished all the bacon off himself, pancakes, a FEW english muffins. Now... I will say that my dads wife also does NOT grocery shop so they NEVER have food in the house... there was only all this food because all us kids were there for the holiday... I know he doesnt eat like that constantly but its obvious something is going on because of his weight. I am sure most of it is due to eating out a lot and getting too much fat in the diet.

How does one approach their father? My mom and I talk about weight... we are just more open about it with each other... but my dad - woo, we dont really talk about that stuff. I know when I he said something to me a while back was something he had wanted to say for a long time and finally just broke down and did it. Each time I have seen him since the surgery he usually makes a comment about how I look good and asks how I feel, how I am eating etc and thats about it.
I know my dads eating has to do with a lot of lack of education. I knew I ate bad pre-op but never knew HOW bad the stuff I ate was until I learned about nutrition post-op. I just wish I could move back in with my dad and be his personal chef and make him healthy! Oh, and make his wifey disappear :-)

Hi Jennifer, This is a great topic for discussion. During the holidays I took notice of my niece and could see her weight gain probally more so than anyone else. I did mention to her mother that UNC was going to start doing lap band the first of the year. I did not go much more into it but she knew what I was saying. Also obesity runs in my family and it breaks my heart to see it starting to effect my niece. It sounds like to me your dad is aware of the problems obesity can cause. Sometimes we like to live in a state of denial when it comes to looking at ourselves.I am wondering if maybe just you and your dad could have lunch together without the wife and you could explain more about foods to him.                                       Annie

Maybe now is the time to finally break down and tell him exactly like her broke down and told you.  He is very interested in your well being because he keeps asking how you are doing.  That might be a sign that he realizes his issues with weight and might just welcome the conversation.   Good Luck Jennifer.  It is so hard to see loved ones not take care of themselves.  Now I know how my family felt about me for all of those many years.  Hopefully you can use your successes to make them successful.   You seem to be doing great after your GB surgery.  I'm really glad you did so well! Connie

Its hard because my dad lives in Florida... when I visit I just want to enjoy the time so its also hard to bring up stuff like that. My dad is thinking about comming up for my birthday next month so while he is here I am going to make him some good homecooked healthy meals and talk to him about it. Its hard because I think when I was overweight and people would tell me to be healthy - easier said than done...  I never could have done it without the tools the surgeon and NUT have given me. Thankfully I live alone so I have completely control over whats in the house... my dad has his non-cooking bar hopping wife and her teenage daughter around... the daughters favorite breakfast - cake... so its not the best environment... it would really take a group effort on their part and his wife is just too lazy. *sigh*

Jennifer -

I really feel for you. My mother is a type 2 diabetic, with stage 3 renal failure. It's critical that she eat well to allow her to live well, much less long. I talked with her this week and she said she's gained 12 lbs. Mom my has been heavy so long that I'm the only one of my siblings that ever remembers seeing her thin. She lost about 60 lbs last year when she found out about the renal failure, but has put 12 back on. When she found out about her renal failure, I found out about my own type 2 diabetes diagnosis. It was at that point that I said "stop, I have to get off this train NOW!" Mom was so afraid for me to have the surgery. She said look she's losing the weight, couldn't I just do it too. Like the rest of us, I had been obese for a lifetime and knew that even if I could get it off, I couldn't get it all off and I couldn't keep it off... All this said, while I can express concern to my mom in the same way I can express concern to my sons about their smoking, I can't make them change and I can't/won't nag them.

I think that making a change like this (with or without the surgery) is almost tantamount to accepting religion ... and that means that while someone may open the door and the light may shine on your face ... only you can walk through the door and live it.

I wish you and your father many more happy, healthy years.

Barb

I do hope you talk to your dad.  I would simply start it out "Dad, do you remember when you cried because you were so worried about my weight when I was so big?" "You thought I was going to die." "Well now I am the one worried."  "I am scared for you."  "I need you in my life and now you are the one gaining a lot of weight and I don't want you to die."  "I've learned a lot since I had my surgury." "Things I didn't know before."  "Would you be willing to talk to me about some of those things?"   See how he responds. Unfortunately though unless he truly wants to lose the weight then it will not happen.  He has to want it as much as you do for him.  I hope things work out.  It is also going to be very hard for him because of the wife.  It would be great if you could teach him some simple recipes (maybe even crock-pot meals) that he could do on his own. Good luck.  Keep us posted.     Donna