Good advice?

Hi MN friends - can't wait to see you all in a couple of weeks at the OH event at the MOA.

I wanted to pass along some advice I recently gave and ask what you thought....how would you advise our friend, Steve, below?

Question:  hello there am steve am in a 3yrs+ relationship, but am always arguing with the girl, never agree onto something, she never tells me whats bothering and she has lots of secrets that she said she did in the past that if she tells me am gonna be hurt real bad!! she cheated on me and i found out, make up and i 4gave her but refuse 2 trust her again.. about a year later she proved herself that she can be trusted so i did again but 2day i found out that she lied to me bout deleting a msg that some guy asked her 4 her email address without replying him when she gave him the email address and did deleted the msg 2 hide evidence!! WHAT DO I DO?? SHOULD I TELL HER OR SHOULD I PLAY ALONG
 
Answer:  Hi Steve. Thanks so much for your question. I am going to ask for your help here....help me understand what is keeping you in this relationship? In my mind, a good relationship is one where you can feel comfortable, safe, and trusted. In reading your note, it sounds like a very volatile, uncomfortable relationship. You wrote that you're always arguing, she's cheated on you before, and that she's acting in inappropriate ways (giving out your email to another guy while you're dating someone else is not appropriate). Tell me a little bit more about what's keeping you in this relationship and I might be able to help a little more. But to give you a short answer, I think you need to be honest with her and let her know that her behavior is not loving and it is not acceptable to you. If she wants to be in a relationship with you, she needs to act like it.

Warmly,
Kathy

Kathy~I think that is great advise!  If there are trust issues, the it is hard for the relationship to get past a certain point.  She also has shown him that she doesn't trust him by continuing to keep secrets after 3 years.   I agree that emailing another man when in a relationship is not appropriate and that Steve really should take a long look at why he is still with her.  Perhaps a pro's and con's list might help.  One variation of the pro/con list that I learned in DBT was the 4 sectioned pro/con list so Pro/Con of staying in the relationship and then Pro/Con of ending the relationship.  I do hope that Steve is able to either work things out with his girlfriend or if he does not feel it is good for him to remain in the relationship that he is able to find some freedom and happiness.  Thank you for sharing this it is good for someone like me to think about these things as I have recently started dating again after an almost 3 year hiatus from a 6 year relationship that was anything but happy or healthy.  I wish the best for Steve.

~Nicole

Hello Kathy....nice to see you again.

I think you gave Steve great advise. I also agree with everything Nicole has just said.
This relationship is not a healthy one. Seeems to me it is time for Steve to move on!! The woman certainly isn't commited to him in anyway. I don't think she is all that interested in continuing the relationship with Steve. Her behavior is not acceptable!

Hope to see you soon.

Hugs, connie d

Hi Kathy,

I agree with your, Nicole & Connie's answers.. but want to add one more thing.

Steve also needs to look at his own behavior in the relationship....and with himself. Problems in a relationship are never one sided. It takes two. The biggest thing he needs to ask himself is why he is accepting this behavior? and for so long? Is it insecurity issues? The majority of us coming thru WLS have them. And even tho our bodies are or have changed, our thinking and self image changes much slower. Personally I have come to the conclusion that the actual physical changes is the easy part.... it is the mental and emotional changes that are the real roller coaster.

Just my thoughts and opinions

Hi Kathy, I think the advice given by all was great and I agree...my 2 cents to add....

"she cheated on me and i found out, make up and i 4gave her but refuse 2 trust her again"

You honestly can't forgive someone but never trust them again can you? Isn't it suppose to be forgive and forget? There was obviously some kind of behavior he still wasn't comfortable with. What kind of relationship did he expect to have feeling like that but staying with her anyway? What's keeping him there? Sounds to me like she may be using him for something. I can't imagine she's happy either, especially if she's sneaking around on him. Time to end this painful relationship and move on!