How to Poop at work

I copied this from the RNY board.  Very funny.....

How to Poop at Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back inour cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as wetry to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. 

For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide fortaking a dump at work.

*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so thesmell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't knowwhere it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the fullfart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell hasleft your pants.

*FLY BY* The act of scout ing out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in andcheck for other poopers.. If there are others in the bathroom, leave andcome back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People maybecome suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in astall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If yourelease an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If youare a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you didnot hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gunpace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If thisshould happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left thebathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred .

*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hitsthe water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up thebathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after youhave just stunk up the bathroom This can be a very uncomfortable moment ifsomeone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend thatthe smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is Doggoneproud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter thebathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look aroundthe office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

*THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P F.N)* A group of co-workers who bandtogether to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This groupcan help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, andidentify SAFE HAVENS.

*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you canleast expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the oppositesex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering thebathroom.

*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall andtries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking andvulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If thisoccurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you willavoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroomthat you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or toalert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction witha SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential TurdBurglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that thestall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroomimmediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toile****er. This is also an embarrassing incident.. If you feel a Watermeloncoming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH...

*HAVANA-OMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes inthe toile****er. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGHwith a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

*AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever...Couldspend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as youshould always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you aswell as the othe r bathroom attendees!

SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF~

The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn'tcome until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.

Cement Block = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flu****'sstill floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happensat someone else's house.

The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before itfalls into the water.

The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so longyour legs go numb from the waist down.

The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when you'retrapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flushthe toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE

QUIT LAUGHING.. POOPING IS A NATURAL PROCESS

I saw this last night!  TOO FUNNY!!!!!!!  

I saw it too.  Very funny!!  I almosted x-posted it here too!  Great minds think of poop! LOL

I'm sitting here all by myself laughing my ass off. If anyone is within earshot they must think I've lost it.

I saw it last night too - totally cracked me up - I immediately copied it and sent it t o a bunch of friends!