LONG rant and explaining where I've been...from my blog! Sorry all!!!!

Ya know, who ever said this journey was easy was just lying through their teeth!  HA!  It's such an emotional rollercoaster.  It's an amazing journey and I am THANKFUL every day that I am able to continue on this journey, but I gotta tell you...it's HARD sometimes!

First off, I just wanted to say thanks to all of you who have offerred such kind words of support and encouragement!  They did NOT go unnoticed....Cheryl, Jess, Oceanlady, Kate....I REALLY appreciate it!  You have bouyed me through a bit of a tough spot and for that, I will be forever grateful!   Thank you all...even if I did not mention you by name!

Next....DH and I had a "heart to heart" last night!  He agreed with me that I've been  kinda "emotional" lately and that the kids have definitely noticed also.  He asked that I try to do my best to give the DD a little less "stress and grief" as he feels that it's driving a wedge between us.  I reminded him that much of what I am going through is not under my control as these wonderful hormones are released from my "fat" cells.  (BTW....good idea to remind the significant other about this as DH had COMPLETELY forgotten about this and thought I was just in a Bi%$&# mood!!)  He came to a realization during our conversation that my moodiness is NOT directed at him OR the kids in specific....it's just a general mood/funk that I am going through and the stress of being so busy is just all adding up.  Hopefully, things will be better now that he has a little more understanding?  We'll see.

I also had a little talk with the DD this morning and explained to her about the hormone thing too.  I explained that it's not an excuse for my moodiness but it sure doesn't help.  I also told her that I would try to not be as snappy with her.  We've always been pretty close and she admitted this morning that she has been spending more time in her room as she just didn't want to "deal" with my moodiness.  SHEESSHH...I NEVER knew I was THAT bad!  Told her I loved her no matter how grumpy I was and also explained about some of the stressors in my life right now.  Told her I WAS still here for her anytime she needed me, grumpy or not!  She also admitted that she's a little disappointed that I haven't been able to go to all her field hockey games this year.  I've had to stay with DS at his football practices and games (as he's younger) and there just isn't enough time to do both.  I DO go to her games when I can and I explained to her that I'm doing my best but aside from splitting myself in two...there's not much I can do!  I assured her that DS will not play baseball again this year so I CAN make it to ALL her softball games...which are more important to her than field hockey anyways!  Hopefully, that will all work out.  She seemed better after our little talk.

DH and I also had a chat about my ever-changing body and body image.  He admitted that he loved me at 260# and still loves me as much at 140#.  He knows I am very self-conscious about how my body looks now with all the saggy skin and he still insists that it doesn't bother him.  It still bothers me though and I know that I'll have to adjust my brain to all the skin in time.  He said he's just happy that I am so much healthier than I have ever been in my life.  AND, I know that is what is most important and that I did NOT have this surgery to become a beauty queen, but I guess I thought that I was...ahem.."young enough" that my skin would recoil a bit more than it has.  I know, I know...I'm still early in this process!  I NEED to give it time!  One of my BIGGEST faults is that I am IMPATIENT!!!!  I need to do better with that!!!!  Just something else to work on!!!  We also talked about plastic surgery in the future and he agreed that if insurance can pay for it, he'd be agreeable. So, time will tell with both the insurance and how much work I will actually need......IN THE FUTURE...the DISTANT future!

So, I think things are looking up, or looking better at least!  There's still so much mental work for me to do with this whole process!  It's almost like the physical part...actually losing all the weight, is the EASY part!!!!!  It's not really easy...but, wrapping your mind around all this is TOUGH!!!!  It'll get better!  I pray daily for strength and courage and patience........It'll come!


And...it's NOT all bad either!!!!!!   I fit COMFORTABLY into my American Eagle size 10 "hipster" jeans with plenty of room at the waist in and the butt (I have NO butt!!!).  NEVER in my life did I ever think I'd fit into size 10 jeans, considering I started out wearing 24/26w!!  My granny panties are now a size 5.......down from size 10!!!!!!!  (Still loving my granny panties though!!)  I've gone from a size 24/26w top to a size Large...sometimes a medium, depending on how it runs in the belly!  I am wearing my DD's field hockey warm up jacket today, which is a size MEDIUM!!!!!!  AND IT FITS comfortably!!!!!!!  I guess I don't realize the changes until I see numbers like that!!!!!!  I'm still stuck at 140#.....dang stalls!  BUT!  I ate 2 Dunkin Donuts munchkins this morning and you know what????  I don't feel a bit of guilt for those 200 WASTED calories!!!!  I think that's the first time I've had a dunkin treat in about 9 or 10 months!!!!!!  AND I DESERVE IT!!!!!  haha!

I am heading out to DD's field hockey game in Newcastle here shortly and then we are going to hit a few thrift shops on the way home.  I need to find some warm clothes!  Needless to say...none of my winter clothes from last year fits!!!!!  I'll still wear my xl sweatshirts...I can get away with those, but my winter jackets are all 2-3xl!!!!!  I don't think I can get away with those and still be warm this year!  YIKES!  I need to find some inexpensive, warm pants for work, some turtlenecks, sweaters, and hopefully some long sleeve shirts.  We'll see what I can find, if anything!  Wish me luck!

Anyhoo.....Thank you ALL again for you support!  I'll probably be back to posting here shortly!  I know I can't catch up with all the posts I've missed but I want everyone who is going through this journey to know that I AM happy for ALL of you and PROUD of all YOUR successes!!!!!  Sorry I've been such a "crappy" supporter these past few days!  In the famous last words of Arnold........."I'll BE BACK!!"

Thanks everyone!!!!!!  Hugs and honks to all!  Ruth

Awwww.....Ruth.......does this mean you are human like the rest of us? 

Actually with this post - you are being the best type of supporter in my book - this process isn't all sunshine and roses....and we need to go through a lot of this and know it's normal and ok.

I still have the emotional roller coaster thingy going on myself - just not to the extreme it was this spring.....I live alone, so that was good - because if I had been living with anyone during that time - they would have needed a suit of armour. I snapped at everything. One of my closest friends would call and touch base with me a couple of times a week normally....they stopped during this time.....I just was not pleasant to be around....heck if I could have left myself....I would have.

Sounds like you have a wonderful, supportive family - I'm glad that you all were able to talk about it.

Geesh! Some pastor I am! other than Cheryl's post (which I really didn't understand  and meant to ask about) I had no idea you were going through all of this turmoil, Ruth. I agree with Oceanlady that these posts are wonderful for us all to read. I wish there was a way to bookmark them so I could refer back to them when I go through something similar. I am so glad you have been able to talk to yoy DH and DD. Communication is key. That's what keeps our relationships whole and healthy. I know you know that, but sometimes it is rough when the hormones go wacky. Turthfully, I really didn't know about that fat-releasing hormony thingy. Where can I read about that? Anyone know. I hope I don't snap at my new church folks in Michigan or they will ship me right back to Maine! My prayers are with you, Ruth. Your gonna be just fine...scratch that...you ALREADY are just fine!

xxoo

Awwww I hope you will be back soon and keep on posting as much as you were before.  All of us that dont post as much but read a lot miss the folks who post or respond when they aren't here.  I can understand some of the emotional roller coaster but in a different way I guess.  With being so sick and it being one thing after another it can be very frustrating and who do we take it out on but the one's closest to us that we love the most.  Hang in there is probably easy for me to say with me not being in your shoes but you have done such a wonderful job with the weight loss, you have done an incredible job and I admire you.  I am also already worried about the extra hanging skin.  That's been a concern since way before surgery, that and affording a whole new wardrobe here and there, even if at a thrift store.  But I decided to take one day at a time and deal with such things as they come.  After being so sick for so long and getting a life threatening thing (blood clot in my lung) and having to be hospitalized and on coumadin for a year or more, I love life and am glad to be here and alive.  It might be a lot to commit to with all the blood level checks and knowing I might have lung damage, but guess what I am just so thankful everyday to be alive!  Before surgery, I just didn't look at life like this.  So keep up the good work and your chin and keep plugging away, things always work out one way or another! Get back to posting we miss you! Honks  Angela

Just full out, plain ol' love you girl.  Your courage and determination is one of the main stays on this board and I appreciate the down times  as much as the ups -how would we recognize the ups?? Even in your pain there is support, don't you see that, if all we heard was blah blah blah weight loss, joyful, clothes don't fit oo lahlah-we would feel guilty and less than cause we all have these moments of not "sittingin the sun" and would wonder what is wrong with me...jsut like all those "fat girl moments" we all have had..What is wrong with me that I can't..xyz-you fill in the less than thought.
I for one am so grateful for your honesty and your willingness to share the underbelly of this process, too. 
WE are all so grateful for the gift that we feel guilty when we are not content or sometimes down right PO.
Anyway, thank you, you were missed deeply.
loving honks-LOL
k

Thanks to all of you!  This journey definitely has it's ups and downs and I, for one, sure like the ups better than the downs!  This hormonal stuff is for the "birds"---actually, I wouldn't even wi**** on THEM!  ha!  I KNOW it will get better and for those of you that are with me on this rollercoaster.......hold on tight!  I think we're about to hit the "loop de loop"!!!!  hehe          hugs.......Ruth

Ruth, You KNOW I understand.  Sometimes I feel outright crazy.  I did not prepare myself for this emotional rollercoaster at all.  I thought like you, that the food and weight loss would be my biggest obstacles.  I'm glad you were able to have a heart to heart with your DH and DD.  My DH still has a hard time with my moods.  I think he doesn't see it as a valid reason to be as impatient or b*tchy as I've been.  We love you and will always be here to support you, good bad or b*tchy.  It's weird to have to wrap your mind around an entirely different body image.  Every now and then I catch a glimpse of myself and I see what I used to see.  I then shake it off and say to myself, You are not that woman anymore...  The mental and emotional part of this journey are definately more difficult than the weight loss, IMHO.  Don't be so hard on yourself,  you've been an inspiration to so many of here.  I personally have been encouraged many times by your posts.  Take care...and giant HUGS!!!!

Ruth~
You are such an inspiration!  I only wish you the best and know just how you feel.  My DH won't have the "heart to heart" we need so the emotions keep building.  I'm so happy for you!!!
Take care,
Stephanie

Welcome back Ruth, so happy you had all those important little talks with the family.  YOur have come a long long way in such a little time.  That brain needs to catch up and will.  YOur so lucky your DH ok'd plastic S, Man my DH wont spend a dime more then what this wls has already cost us, since we didn't expect mose of it.  well, need to unpack and do laundry, this house is a zoo...  ttyl,  Hugs, Cheryl