Relationship Issues with Spouse

Seems like it's time to come out from lurking........... I have been having some issues with my husband of 18 years and I am afraid he is concerned with me loosing all this weight and is becoming insecure about our marriage. I have asked him about it and he has told me that he is proud of me for loosing the weight but has not bothered him. He has never known me any smaller than 230 lbs. and I am now at 192 lbs. He has told me he has caught other guys "checking me out" but it didn't bother him. He's been going to exercise class with me and says he's happy about that. He's happy about us going out on Saturday night in Indy but then he says sometimes an affair can be good for a marriage and I told him sometimes it can cause a divorce. Then I asked him if he was happy and he said yes but we need to work on some things and do more fun things. This is about to drive me crazy and I admit that over the years we have taken each other for granted and not put each other first. He is 38 and isn't real excited about turning 40 in a few years. A similar incident like this happen about 9 years ago and we worked thru it so I would like to think we can make it thru this time as well. It's just a little bump along the roadway in life. I am having a really hard with this and want to stay in this marriage but I guess if one of us is not happy my future may be changing. Sorry to ramble on. I can't even type this hear without getting teary eyed. Please, I'm looking for advice on this issue. Regina

Dear Regina, I'm afraid I can't be of too much help at this point. I have been married for 28 years to the most wonderful man in the world. I'm not saying everything has been perfect over the years, but I have found if you can talk about it calmly and in a loving way, most everything can be "talked out." Not a day goes by that I don't tell my husband that I love him - multiple times. I am not quite 3 months out yet, have only lost 55 pounds, so I guess we'll see what happens when I lose more and get closer to goal. I plan to do everything within my power to assure my husband that he is the only one for me and that I only have eyes for him. You or your husband can't control who looks at you, but you can control how you react to it. I'm not sure how I'd take him saying that "sometimes an affair is good for a marriage." I totally disagree with that. I do think that sometimes marriages can survive affairs, but as far as it being good for a marriage - I don't think so. So, I guess my advice - for what it's worth - is to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk. Find out what he thinks needs to be worked on and find the time to do those fun things. Remind him every day how much you love him - tell him and show him. Good luck, Regina. Donna

Regina, I know just what you're going through. I have had the same talks with my hubby. I just hope that he can get past his own insecurities and see that I love him and no amount of weight loss is going to change that. Beyond that I just don't know the answer. I am hoping that some of the other wise people here can help both of us. Thank you for being bold enough to ask the question I have wanted to ask for some time now.

The surgery and weight loss is an emotional thing not only for us but also those close to us. Their life as they knew it has changed. Our friends and family members need to struggle with their own issues regarding our weight loss. In that I mean, "maybe they settled for me because they couldn't get anyone else but now they can". "Maybe they will want to sew their oats now that they have more energy." Perhaps their own weight issues are making them feel unworthy. There is a million reasons that can put conflict or borrowed feelings in the middle of this joyous event in your life. If talking it out between the two of you doesn't help, perhaps seeking counseling might. Best Wishes! Claudette

I agree with the others...talking it out is great. But, sometimes it is too hard to say what you really feel, it can be easier to say "everything is fine" and/or "I'm happy for you" because that is the way he thinks he should feel. That is why I would strongly recommend couselling for both of you. Having a neutral party there to hold each of you accountable for saying what you really feel instead of what you think you should feel can help open up the lines of communication. You AND your husband deserve the best marriage you can have. So you are both worthy of the time (and expense) of getting the help you need to to be happy together. Good luck to you both. Cindy

Thanks girls for the advice. I do believe we will make it through this "rough spell". We both have some things to work on and we've taken each other for granted with being busy with day to day routines. This weekend we're going to Indy and he doesn't know it yet that we're staying at a hotel there. I spoke with another male in my office and he said it sounded to him like he has some insecurities about me loosing so much weight and is worried I may be looking somewhere else for something better. He also told me that guys won't admit to having these insecurities and will say that it doesn't bother them. Now I need to make sure he knows that I am not looking elsewhere and I am committed to being with him for the rest of my life. He has joined me at my exercise class to try and get himself into shape as well. He's also planning on cutting back on activities he does outside the home with others to spend more time with me. In the past I've never really been one to get out and do much because my weight really held me back and I was too embarassed to be seen out having fun for fear someone would be making fun of me being fat. My attitude is changing and now I am faced with different feelings about myself and my confidence level is higher. My husband has never known me at a size 14/16 so it's new to him as well. I will keep my faith that this marriage will stay together. Regina

Regina, I don't know if I can shed any light because mine has fallen apart as well. A little different but similiar. I have had lots of complications and he is tired of something always being wrong with me, even though I am 149 pds and look great, he gets mad because a lot of the times I don't feel good, my stomach is upset, I don't want to be intimate, but I also feel that he has pushed me a way some to. So, after 4 years he sleeps in one room and I sleep in another and I think our relationship is over with no hope. Not, to say there is no hope for yours, but I understand the pain and frustration you are feeling. Your feeling great and you want your other half to be right there and it sucks that theya re not. I am sorry. Justen (I am a female) the name throws people off