Funny.. if they only knew.. Long

Saw this in my email this morning... if the Author even knew... but thought it was cute.. Subject: The Work-Out

 

 

      This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into      a regular workout routine.      Dear Diary:      For my birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of      personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still      in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago,      I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and humor her & give it a try.      I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named      Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor      and a model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with      my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to      chart my progress.      MONDAY:      Started my day at 6:00am.      Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the      health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a      Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white      smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!      She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed      that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her      in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in      which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very      inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut      was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.      This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!      TUESDAY:      I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.      Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,      and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the      treadmill, but I finally made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it      all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's the start of a whole new life for me.      WEDNESDAY:      The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying the toothbrush on the      counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a      hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to      steer or stop. I accidentally parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.      Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the      other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the      morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY      annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me      on the stairmonster. Why on earth would anyone invent a machine to      simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it      would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other stuff too...

 

      but my heavy panting and moans drowned out her words.

 

     THURSDAY:      Her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl when I arrived. I couldn't help      being a half an hour late; it took me that long just to tie my shoes.      Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking,      I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as      punishment, put me on the rowing machine which I eventually sank.      I now hate Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any      other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic      little cheerleader with the annoying nasal whine.

 

     

 

       FRIDAY:    

 

      Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps today. I don't have any triceps!      And if you don't want dents in the floor, then don't hand me barbells or anything      that weighs more than a sandwich! The treadmill flung me off and I      landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been      someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

 

      If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.    

 

      SATURDAY:      Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly      voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just the sound of her voice made me      shiver and I wanted to smash the machine with my day planner. However, I lacked the      strength to even use the TV remote today and ended up catching eleven      straight hours of "The Weather Channel".

 

      SUNDAY:      I'm having the Church handi-van pick me up for services today so I can go and      thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my loving wife

 

      will choose a gift for me that is more fun, less stressful and easier on my body -

 

      like root canals and crowns, a colonoscopy, vasectomy or maybe bariatric surgery.

Too funny! I remember, I was terrified the first time I met with my trainer, because I didn't know what to expect! Linda Vicory

TOO FUNNY! HAD ME LAUGHING SO HARD THIS MORNING . THANKS I NEEDED THAT. HAVE A BLESSED DAY VICKI

This is so funny- and true!I have experienced the "trainer from H@#$ myself- ouch!!! Now I understand why Hubby loves the Weather Channel! (((hugs))) Ellen

Linda Thanks for shareing this with us.  It just made my day. Dan