Surgery canceled!

First, I want to thank Kathy Harding for her support. She has been such a blessing to me. I am so glad I found her on this message board. I am really having a hard time right now and it is nice to know Kat is there and she truly understands what I am up against. Now, about my surgery.... I wish I was reporting that I had great success on Monday when I was scheduled for the procedure, but as it turns out my surgery was canceled. As I laid on the stretcher waiting to go into the OR, I just started to panic. I was literaly crying out of fear and when I said goodbye to my husband and Mom, I started thinking, "what if I never see them again?" The other thing I never thought about was that I wear glasses and my vision is really bad, like legally blind without my glasses. Well, of course my glasses were taken from me before I went into the OR and I couldnt see anything. I could see that there were people all around me, but I couldnt make out there faces or anything. It was really intimidating. Then they wanted me to move from the stretcher on to the operating table and because of my sleep apnea, they had all these pillows arranged in a way that would arch my back and keep my airway open. Well, I just couldn't seem to get myself situated on this table the way they wanted and I could feel their frustration with me growing. At this point, I went into full panic mode! I think I really had a panic attack, which is something I have never experienced. My heart was beating so fast that I felt it was going to come right out of my chest and I felt like I couldnt catch my breath. They kept putting the oxygen mask over my face and instead of helping me breathe, I felt like I was suffocating. I let myself get so upset that my blood pressure went through the roof. The doctor gave me some meds to try to calm me and lower my blood pressure, but I guess I was too far gone. After a few minutes, they decided to cancel the procedure. I went home after the medication wore off and my blood pressure was under control. My surgeon came and talked to me and he explained that this was not over, but he was not willing to put my life at risk to perform this surgery. He told me to make an appointment with my PCP and have the blood pressure issue addressed and then to call him and we will start over. I feel so disappointed in myself. I got up this morning planning to go to work, but I just couldnt face everyone. I dont know how I will ever get the nerve to walk back into that hospital again. I want to keep going, but I dont know how. I dont know if I am strong enough. How do you subject yourself to this surgery without having all of these fears? I am so confused. I am hoping that someone out there has some advice that will help me find the inner strength I need to walk back in that hospital.

WOW.. thats a story I have never heard. I am sorry that you were so fearful of the unknown. I wish you luck with all you do. Stay encouraged. heather

Alisa, Sometimes God moves in ways we don't know. Perhaps the reason was to get that blood pressure checked, maybe there is a hidden problem. Lets trust that it was all in His plan for you. Don't be frustrated...lets just address the bp issue. You can get it checked and get clearance. In the mean time, have you had panic attacks before? If so, maybe this is a chance to start working them through. How to deal with them etc, so you are prepared for next time. Certainly you are not the only person who has panic attacks who has this surgery. Maybe they can premedicate you to relax you prior to going on the stretcher. There are options to look at. Don't beat yourself up girlfriend, this is just a little blip...and don't be embarassed about going to that hospital again. Hold your head up high, there is nothing to be ashamed about. hugs! I read about the surgery, was so knowledgeable that it helped with the fears. I asked lots of questions, and had great family support. I asked people to pray for me. My faith in God was my anchor, the prayers of others were the strength and encouragement I needed. This is not an easy surgery, we all have apprehension and are scared, you are normal. With all I've said, I had some apprehension, but I trusted God and well if I died, I died. I knew without the surgery I would die soon anyway. Sounds morbid, I don't mean to, that's just what I was thinking. We're here to support you, and help you through. You will get through...you've come far already. And you will get over this little blip! Blessings, Tami

When I had my surgery I didn't get frightened until it was nearly time and when I said I was feeling nervous, the nurse very calmly shot my IV full of the most amazing stuff and voila! I was instantly OUT and never woke up until after it was all over. Maybe the next time they could give you some good drugs before they have you crawling all over the OR! It's enough to scare anyone!! You can do this if you want it badly enough, but you need to be prepared the next time. And things really do happen for a reason! It might be best that you didn't have surgery at this time. Hang in there and really do some soul searching and praying. Jan

I understand the stress and fear. I had all of those fears myself before surgery and I also get panic attack quite frequently. I don;t know what helped me to go through those OR doors, in fact I think I have blacked that part out because I can't remember, but I am pretty sure they knocked me out after I went through! My doctor did give me something to relax me before they wheeled me away. Could yours give you something also? I do not regret the surgery, but I also recognize what a big decision it is. I can only say that you need to do what you are comfortable with and there are no wrong decisions. Hang in there!

Alisa, Thank you for your kind words! I am so sorry for you that you had to go through this. I do believe as Tami that everything happens for a reason and maybe this was God's way of getting the BP a bit better controlled first! One never knows. I do know that you can do this! You have to be strong to live the way we have lived for so long! You can go back in there and do this! If some of the hospital staff thinks bad thoughts about you for your previous panic attack (and some may) SO WHAT? You will leave there with a new lease on life regardless of what they may think! Your surgeon is hanging in there with you and so will I and all the great people here on OH! Call me or email me if you need to talk! Remember the Regency support group meets this Saturday from 10am until 1 or until we are all ready to leave if you are interested in coming! I will be there! Kat

Alisa- I have had several surgeries in a couple of different states, some of them pretty serious and this has always been one of my pet peeves. Anesthesiologists know people get scared, they know some people are going to get panic stricken but yet so often they do not even bother to meet you until right before they are going to put you under. They leave starting the IV to the poor nurses who cannot make decisions about medications. So there you lay getting more and more anxious and in your case -- you could not even see. Sheesh what did they expect. None of this was your fault. They are the professionals -- they should have seen to your medical needs better and never let it get that bad. Now as to next time. See your doctor and get your BP stabilized. You may even want to talk to a psychologist about what happened before to be sure that you are over the experience and possibly map out some coping strategies. Then once you get your clearance talk to your surgeon about setting up a consult with your anesthesiologist sometime before your surgery. This way you and your anesthesiologist can develop a treatment plan of how to better handle the physical effects of your anxiety, possibly with medication you take before you leave home. It can be worked out. The thing to remember is what happend to you was not your fault. You have done nothing to be ashamed of. Red

Thank you everyone for your encouraging words. I am feeling so much better now and I think I will be able to keep moving toward my ultimate goal. I have seen my primary care doctor and I have already started taking medication for the high blood pressure. I also made an appointment with my counselor so I can work through some of these issues and get my mind in a better place for next time. I am also planning to attend the Jacksonville Support Group this Saturday. I thought it might help me to meet some people and hear their success stories. Again, thank you all so much! You are all such special people.