Relationship Issues---Losing Weight/Finding Myself

I know that all of us were told that people would start to react to us differently when the weight started coming off and that some of our relationships would change. Well, I want to get some feedback from others about a few issues. This will be kind of a "free therapy" session for me so if you are not into this kind of thing....I understand, but sometimes it helps to have the perspectives of different people. So with this said, those who want to respond please do so....this will be a long post....but please read...I would love to hear from you.... I have been in a relationship now for a 1 1/2. For most of this relationship, I have been 60-70% happy. Because of my age and my weight, I sort of "settled" because I thought this would be the best that I could do really. Years ago when I weighed 125 pounds I never would have let men treat me the way that I have let them treat me the past few years. However, after my divorce, I realized the ugly reality of dating at 262 pounds! It is not a pretty picture for a heavy woman. After a year of heartbreak, I set out to lose weight---trying Optifast---with some success---191 pounds...but never really getting to a decent weight. Because of this, I found myself scrambling after anyone that would love me. I became a person that I never thought I would be. So a year and a half ago I entered into a new relationship. It was with someone that I never thought I would date. He does not have a college degree. He lives in a mobile home. He works as a courier---making sometimes a low as $500 a week. He does not have any ambition to ever go beyond this either. This is unusual for me because I have a Master's degree and I work in an HR position and make close to $80,000 a year. When I was thin, I married a CPA/MBA and was on a good path to have a wonderful life. I kept telling myself money is not everything, and that there is more to a person than this. However, I don't think I have even been honest with myself about the way he treats me. He has really severe mood swings. I would say 80-90% of the time he is really nice and affectionate. However, there are times when he will go off on me. A couple of examples, one time I salted the popcorn too much in the movies. He got very angry and said to me "You are "fu*** demented!" He then shoved the popcorn bag at me and wouldn't talk to me the rest of the night. Another example, I wanted to clean out the car one day before we took it somewhere. There was just a couple of bags up front. He told me I was "****tupid". He then got in a different car and drove off without me. In a year and half, I would say that he has had about 6-8 of these outbursts. Most of the time he is affectionate and kind, but when he goes off like this it really troubles me. However, I justify it away saying that everyone loses there temper. Isn't this how abuse starts though? I have never been in a relationship like this so I don't know. What is abuse? There is such a thing as verbal abuse, right? I never thought I would be one of "those women" that ends up in an abusive relationship. He has never hit me, and he swears that he would never do so, but isn't that what they all say? (See I find myself justifying everything now....when I weighed 125...no one would have ever treated me like this and if they did, I know in my heart that it would have been the last time!) Also, he is constantly looking at other women when we are out together...commenting on how attractive they are. I have asked him to stop this, but nothing has changed. He always compliments me though, but it doesn't stop him from looking and making remarks about other women. In the past, no one has ever treated me like this. To make matters worse, he recently bought me a ring and proposed. (I can't help but think it is because I am getting thin and attractive now. Before, I was good enough to live with, but not good enough to get married to.) I really think there is something to be said for this. When he told his mother about asking me to marry him, his mother said that he needed to buy some books about how to treat women because he never had a good example of how to treat women. As I start to lose weight, I am getting all kinds of attention now from the opposite sex. I am starting to feel like my old self. I have not felt this way since college---1992! I never had trouble getting dates in college. Men use to constantly ask me out! As I lose the weight, I am starting to rediscover me, and I know that I am worthy of someone that will treat me right and is also a successful happy person with goals and dreams and desires. How did I get to this point? I see how weak I have become from years of being rejected about my weight. Is there anyone else that can relate to this? As you lose the weight, are you starting to reevaluate your relationships. Are you wondering if there is a better life for you out there? Do you think you talked yourself into staying in relationship because you didn't think you would find anything better? The only reason I stay is because I don't think that I would find anyone better out there. I think I have been so "beat down" these past six years in the dating world that I dread getting back out there. However, I have men flirting with me daily now. But in a way this also makes me a little angry...it makes me think...where were you when I weighed over 200 pounds?!!! I want the courage to take a risk and leave to find someone that will treat me well and that will be an equal partner with me. I would love to hear from you.....

Dear, dear Diana, Please don't think I am being harsh because I say this with affection and support but-why are you with this guy? He is a jerk and you deserve so much better. Dump him!!! You have already answered your own questions, you know? You know you deserve more. The job is the least of it, it is how he treats you that matters. I can soooo relate. I had the same issues back in my 20's and early 30's (I'm 50 now). I picked men that weren't the best for me and always thought I needed to have a man in my life all of the time. I never gave myself the time in between men to find a good one and mostly it was because of my weight. I too had been thin and have a master's degree but even then I thought I constantly needed a man. I got the advice to wait for awhile and look deep in my heart and ask myself the questions about why I let men disrespect me. I no longer do, I am a different person but I still have issues. I haven't had a date in a very long time and at 50 and being big, I have trouble figuring out how to meet men. But, I will never, never, never again settle for less! My marriage to a jerk taught me that lesson the best. I may not like being overweight but I really like me now and I honestly would rather be alone and happy with a peaceful, good life than have the chaos and pain of being treated poorly. I stopped being a victim. I now like men very much, and have many friendships. I trust one of these days I am going to meet a really nice guy to date but if I don't, it's o.k. Good luck, God bless you and please, please, please know that you deserve so much better!!! Jo

Hi Diana, I have recently retired as a therapist who treated women at a domestic violence shelter. Your story is exactly like theirs and I want to support you in this journey. Most abusive partners start out being verbally abusive and swear they would NEVER hit a woman. They eventually break that promise. Most women told me that being physically abused would have hurt much less than the emotional, verbal abuse they experienced. The emotional scars go much deeper. I understand that it's a very difficult thing to do, deciding to leave, and you are the only one who can make that decision. I want to ask you a question. How much of yourself are you willing to give up in order to be in this relationship? It never gets better, I'm afraid. You are finding yourself. How wonderful. Please, continue to grow and change. Blossom into the woman you know you truly are. Take good care of yourself and reach out for support through a local program for abused women. You ARE being abused. As you grow and change, you will attract a healthier man to bring into your life. Best wishes, Joy

Hi, it me Renee', here goes............ Sweetie your on the road to distruction. You must fall in love with yourself- first. You must appreciate the gift that you are. See, to often we think that we have to settle and unfortunately the world has conditioned us to think that being overweight is so bad and that we should accept whatever is thrown our way This is a lie!! Even the Bible states in Hoesa- HOW CAN TWO WALK TOGETHER UNLESS THEY AGREE? The two of you are not one one accord!!!!! You must know in your heart that your the best, deserve the best and have purpose on your life. This man that your seeing is not good for anyone at this point. He has internal issues to deal with that exceed you. He is rude, mean and does not respect you as a person let alone as a partner. This is a great point to get off of this mental ride with him. LEARN TO "DO" YOU!! Take time to enjoy this new found person that has always been inside you. Don't waste time justifying him- use that energy to love DIANA- she deserves that. You dont need someone who pulls you down. He is comforatable being "just ok"............ you are a dreamer and you have nothing to loose by leaving............ but you will loose......... peace, motivation, endurance, love and any peice of hope if you stay. Think about it............. he is a risky liability!!! Focused, Renee C Blessings, Renee'

Diana, Wow, thank you for having the courage and taking the time to write your thoughts. I think the feedback you have gotten is invaluable. I liked what Renee said about learning to love yourself. I too was married to a "successful" man for 25 years who was manic depresive and a jerk. I too was the "heavy divorcee". I dated some real losers.........I am embarrased to say, but realize now that I was looking for some validation that I was still an attractive - desirable woman. When I look back now, I see how I was looking for the love out side of myself. I finally started to heal when I was able to start loving myself again. Some dear friends of mine then introduced me to a wonderful man. He believes in me, he thinks I am funny, he loves me no matter what weight I am.......and while I love him very much I know in my heart that I will survive what ever comes my way in this life. He is now my husband but I know I can make it on my own if I have to. I so encourage you to listen to your heart with this relationship. Even if he has only gone off 6-8 times (which is enough) listen to what your heart tells you when he does that. Trust your gut and how you feel when he does go off. That is not good for your heart or your gut. Congrats on your weight loss - I think we all feel so much better in our new bodies but still ultimately know that what is going on in our hearts is what really matters. As women we are taught to nurture others from the time we are little........it is not always natural to nurture ourselves. I hope you will take the time today to take care of you.......trust your gut. You are worth all that and more! Sending you big hugs, Gayle

Dear Diana, It sounds like you know what you need to do. Don't put so much emphasis on being alone though should you end the relationship....take time get to know yourself. Learn again how to be kind and love you. Having been overweight we are plagued with poor self esteem....even self loathing. Good luck to you on this wonderful weightloss journey. Don't settle for something because of a fear nothing better will come along. It will when the time is right. I was told no new relationships, no major moves, no job changes for the 1st year after surgery as my emotions would be in a bit of an upheaval. They are....I find myself getting angry at those people who treated me poorly when I was heavier, and are fawning over the thinner me. Please be kind to yourself. Never settle. Kim

Diana, The big thing that struck me about your story is the doubt you already have about so many aspects of your reslationship with this man. You didn't say it in exact terms, but it sounds very much like you don't feel safe with him, nor do you trust him. You have had the courage to step out and ask for support - take it and step into a safer place. You are not doing yourself or him any favors by continuing down this road. I think you can see by the wonderful responses to your post that there are many others who will stand by you and support you. Learning to love yourself and by happy with who you are is the best thing you can do for yourself at this point. Best of luck and blessings to you in your journey - keep asking for support - we're here for you. Penny

Read your post as if someone else wrote it. What advice would you give? I think we all know the answer. You have already recieved great replies.........now as Nike says.......... Just DO IT........... Good luck

I just want to say thank you to all of the women *****sponded to my post. It was amazing the number of responses that I received. Thank you so much for all of your kinds words of support. I feel such an inner strength moving through me. I feel as if everything in my life will be fine now. Losing the weight, has helped me to start finding the stronger me. I look in the mirror everyday, and I now feel like the outside image is matching the inside image. This makes me stronger. I have a renewed sense of hope, and I think this is starting to show in my smile and in the sparkle in my eyes. I think my posture and the way that I carry myself has changed. I make eye contact and smile with people more. I know that I will find someone to share my life with again. This time it will be someone who is worthy of me. I have a lot to offer the right person, and I am not going to settle for anyone---especially someone who treats me poorly. Life is too short, and I now have a new energy level and passion inside of me. It would be a shame to waste this "new me" on someone that does not deserve me. Thank you so much again for all of your support! You have been great!