A question for you

Hi Maureen, I wish you only the very best and am so glad you are reaching out for help. Your friends here on this board are right; only you can make the decisions that are right for you regarding your marriage, your son and your own health. I apologize for being so emphatic in my earlier posts with so freely giving my advice but I was just so darn concerned. You ARE the only one who can walk in your shoes. I pray you find peace. Hugs, Karen

KAREN!!!! Please don't apologize for reaching out to me, for caring about what I'm going through and for wanting to help! Never, ever apologize for giving yourself to another human being in such a totally selfless and generous way! I'M THE ONE THAT NEEDS TO APOLOGIZE for having worried you! Sometimes I just feel so alone with everything, and I know I can come to this wonderful board and not feel so alone anymore. Thank you so much for being there for me when I needed you. And I'll take your prayers, today and always. Be well, my inspirational friend - Maureen

Maureen!!! you and I are peas in the pod sweetie! I struggle with depression, mine started when I was in college, I was diagnosed with a brain tumor, non-malignant and medication took care of it, but the idea of having a brain tumor at 19 did me in...my depression started as cir****tantial, but then because I left it so long basically I re-wired my brain. my family has a rampant history of depression, suicide, perpetual drunkeness (doesnt' THAT sound nice), drug abuse, failed marriages, and on and on and on... but if you ask about depression..."OH NO, we DO NOT HAVE THAT!" whatever... I lost about 19 months after my daughter was born to a deep depression. trigger by post partum depression..I worked, I took care of 2 babies, I was nursing the girl, hell I was nominated for a "golden apple" at my job, so obviously did ok...but I have no memories of that time. NOT ONE! I cannot remember Isabella's first steps, nothing... that is the worst thing ever... I got a tattoo...and sat there thinking ... uhm...what the hell is wrong with me because I LIKED that it hurt, l LIKED that it FELT. IT felt and I was in awe...that day I could have sat there and become the tattoo'd lady for the circus I was loving the FEELING. I hadn't felt anything in such a long time... that said I do not enojy pain in anyway but it was such an AHA for me. I finally went to the doctor, got some medication and it wasn't fun, the first one made me stark raving LOONY!!!!! the second one gave me SEVERE panic attacks... and I had a BIG HUGE ONE in my classroom in front of the kids cause I couldn't get out of the room, they nearly put me away then. Only my principal kept me outta the hospital. the third medication was the winner. I took it for about 3 years, then stopped when I had the bypass... I was in control of everything then and was ok...but really felt that slide again when everything just seened to be darkening and everything stopped feeling...numbness is NOT your friend... I have said all this to say this, I understand, it is an ugly cycle, I think that if you are pre-disposed, cir****tancial depression can trigger that willingness in your body to hold on tight to that depression ya know... I can have everything and still feel nothing... now to end with a smile repeat after me ... better living thru pharmeceuticals... hugs Nic

Nic, wow, what a story! I can relate to so much of what you say in this post. It's absolutely amazing to me what you've been able to accomplish and the way in which you live your life in the face of such tremendously painful adversity. I went through a similar period of depression and numbing out right after my son, Devin, was born. When Jim and I talk about the time, I always get so sad and one of the things I say to him over and over again is, "I can't remember Devin's babyhood..." I remember so little of it! It seems like I remember him being born, and bringing him home - but then there's this huge gap of time lost to me and my next memories are of him beginning to walk! I thought I was all alone in this! Can you tell me the medication you finally settled on that worked for you? I haven't made the appointment with my doctor yet but after reading your post, I think I will do that today. Thank you so much for reaching out to me like this - I wish you all good things and peace in your heart - and because of what you've posted I'm going to spend a little time thinking about forgiving myself for not having memories of when Devin was a baby - I don't know why that happened to me (and to him) but you've let me think about forgiving myself for it - thank you! Love, Maureen

Make that appointment! I have taken... prozac, lexapro, zoloft and wellbutrin all worked for a while except teh prozac that made me an evil ***** I have to say... RIGHT NOW... I take trazadone to sleep (as needed) I take xanax for anxiety (as needed) I take cymbalta for the depression, one of the side effects is loss of appetite because I was so worried about gaining weight and that would add to my cycle ya know... talk toyour doctor, tell them everything, even if it seems unrelated, insomnia, nervousness, lack of sex drive, loss of taste, anything... these are just a few of my syptoms... PPhugs}} nic

Hi Nic - I am also taking Trazadone to help me sleep, and it does, at least initially. I've heard a lot about Cymbalta...your posts have helped me so much! Thank you! I'll let you know what comes of my doctor's visit. Have a GREAT weekend! Maureen (P.S. All the symptoms you mention...except the loss of taste...I'm experiencing - wow!)

heh. i'm fairly sure that you're just always going to be an absolutely miserable and depressed, lonely, overweight, wrinkled up hag.