Relationship Issues....bad!

Hi Kim, My advice is to run as fast as you can & don't look back. NOT because of the porn, because of the lies. I married my husband 3 years ago, knowing that he was a habitual liar, and it was the biggest mistake of my life. I can never believe anything that comes out of his mouth, and he is frustrated too because even when he is honest I don't believe him. It is a VERY awful situation to be in. I would get a divorce if I could afford one. Please don't make the same mistake I made. Being with someone who lies is NOT a good way to live. Trust is non-existant, and therefore, so is intimacy.

here is my update... So we talked and yes I do believe that it was not as bad and big as I thought. I let my emotions get the best of me,, although I know that he cant have her and never would,, it just struck a cord... he unfortunatly got the biggest brunt of the already bad that I was having! (fall out at work with some co-workers about sexual harassment) So this just added insult to the day! But I do agree that it is not a big deal about sneaking a peak every now and again. We did have a long conversation and He did acknowledge the fact that he made a big mistake by lying... He has never shown that quality before and I know that is not the guy that he is. He did however explain when and why he downloaded it, and it was not as bad as I first imagined, (my boyfriend looking at porn everytime I am not with him was my vision....) It was really the second time in about 8 years that he has done something like that... and based on 4 years of knowing him,, and almost 2 years of dating him I LOVE HIM and BELIEVE him... we agree the real thing....(ME) is better than any damn internet porn Thanks for everyones advise... Now that my drama is done, how is everyone else doing? -KIM -114

Thanks for the update Kim. I'm glad you guys worked through it. Something one of the leads of a support group I go to said is that in the first year post-op - no big decisions. In other words - no marraige, no divorce, etc. The reasoning behind this is that not only are you changing in body, but also in mind and spirit. You are becoming more accepting of yourself, and therefore could be getting a little more assertive - standing up for yourself more than before. Well, all of the relationships you have with others are changing as well, whether we like it or not. The people we care about are having their own emotions to deal with where our surgery and subsequent new life and attitude is concerned. Until things settle down within, it's not a good idea to make any huge decisions where relationships are concerned. I don't feel this is an absolute - there are always exceptions, but it's something to keep in mind before leaping into a decision you may regret later. mgm -72

To be frank, guys rely on porn because they generally feel like they have to relieve tension (ahem) on a regular basis. Based on a person's individual mindset or hangups (or lack thereof) your boyfriend may not want to picture you in these fantasy scenarios, which is definitely not necessarily a bad thing (when you think about what some sexual fantasies may contain). I think we should all be allowed our personal fantasies. I think stifling this and trying to change people will only lead to more secrets and more problems. Your bf is (apparently) not on the computer instant messaging people for cybersex or calling 1-900 numbers, right? Let him have his fantasies. And by the way, you have to remember that Pamela Anderson may be a fourteen year old boy's perfect fantasy (or the men who THINK like fourteen year-old boys - which is a whole problem/issue in itself), but there's little about her that's normal, natural, or real. I think I'd have issue with your bf not because he downloaded ***** to look at, but because of who he chose. Talk to him about it honestly. Does he realize that Pam's breasts are in actuality probably misshapen and scarred from multiple breast implant surgeries and the removal thereof? Does he understand that the pictures he looks at are all airbrushed and that real women don't have bodies like that - not even those women! Cindy Crawford has widely being quoted as saying something to the effect of "I wish *I* had a body like Cindy Crawford!" Your bf needs to come to terms with what may be severe sexual immaturity, but beware of robbing people of their alone and personal time. He's allowed to think whatever he wants in his mind. If you don't approve or it causes problems, then he's definitely not the guy for you!

Thanks for your responces... I have had a bad time with this issue at first but I think it had alot to do with earlier events in that day,,, I think you are correct that everyone should have their fantasies,, and I never thought about not wanting to be in parts of them!! LOL But I know he is the guy for me... Tell your group leader that not making any big descions in the first year is a really good IDEA... I am happy that I did not do anything really rash -KIM Once again,, thanks for helping to ease my mind and tension!

Hi Kim, it's Kym! lol My pastor says that ALL MEN STRUGGLE WITH SEXUAL LUST. Just in different ways. Some act it out, others entertain it in their mind, others look at porn and so on. Those who think their man doesn't is kidding themselves. I understand how hurt you felt. i too went through a similar thing. it felt like he had cheated on me. We are christians. When I hear testomonies of other men and their challenges I know my hubby is not aone. (and I think man their wives are beautiful and thin and so on...)Not that he looks at it every day but it is a temptation for him at different times. I went to a ladies conference and you know the best thing to do is let God handle it. Don't nag him about it, it is not a personal assault against you. Just pray for him. I have seen this in my best friends marriage and my own. He knows how much it hurts me and he doesn't want to do it. I liken it to when we would over eat, we didn't want to do it, then we felt guilty as ever afterwards. We have talked and he said he thinks "man I did it again!!" We even have a mens group to deal with these very issues.That's how much of a problem it is for guys. Sorry, don't mean to sound preachy but I KNOW what you felt and were thinking because I've lived through it. If he is the one for you, you'll know. I remember thinking, OMG it was so out of character when I found it!! I thought I knew him. And you know what I do know him, even more so now. It has nothing to do with how you look. Nothing to do with you. I'd even suggest to say that it isn't always about, um ~gratification~ either. Keep communication open. Good luck to you and God bless. Kym was /am/wannabe 350/266/175