I'M FALLING AND I CAN'T GET UP...

Hi everyone. Boy do I miss this board and scramble to try to make a short visit. I have enjoyed reading everyone's posts and it sounds like you are all doing really well. I don't mean to be a drag but I'm a bit down in the dumps as I am having some pouch problems. Nothing that I can't manage, especially having trouble with chicken no matter how well I chew it, it gets stuck, I'm in terrible pain and end up throwing up. Has happened several times lately with chicken, scrambled egg, and fi****hink I'm finally dealing realistically with the fact that the act of eating will never be enjoyable again, and there will always be a threat of something going wrong that will need medical attention. The "loss" of enjoyable eating is just now beginning to hit me hard. I don't like the pain (it's awful), I hate getting sick, and I'm really starting to lose my hair. And the weight is coming off so very, very slowly. My energy is low and I just don't feel well, physically or emotionally. I hope you don't mind that I'm turning to you with this. Is anyone else experiencing any of the same things? Thanks my friends. Maureen

Hi Sweetie! It seems like you and I are always going through the same *%#@ at the same time. I was thinking of posting earlier today, but feel like I would be bringing everyone else down. So - your post is quite a relief to me. I'm still losing slowly. I mean VERY SLOWLY. I think I may have lost about 3 pounds in the last 3 weeks. It sucks. I've really only been able to eat things that aren't the best choices. For instance - I made turkey spaghetti for dinner tonight, but the first couple of bites didn't agree with me, so here I am, an hour later eating a chocolate covered biscotti. Chicken, beef and pork do not set well with me. I'm NOT a fishy fish fan, so I'm trying to find some mild fish to eat. I LOVE sushi and scare myself with how much I can eat at one sitting (almost 2 rolls - 6 pieces each roll!). I mourn food also. I LOVE steak, but I know I can't enjoy it like I used to. I long for a Chili's Big Mouth burger, but know that one bite is all I can tolerate (if I'm lucky to get that to stay down!). My energy is low also - I cannot get motivated to excercise. I was doing Jazzercise for a month, but then went on vacation and as soon as I got back, I got this emphasema-like cough. I can't even blow out a candle without hacking up a lung! I cancelled my follow up with my surgeon for mid-July because I know he's going to tell me how disappointed he is in my loss (or lack thereof!). I just don't need someone else to make me feel like a failure - I'm doing a good enough job of that on my own. I had a couple of "melt downs" this past weekend. My poor husband didn't know what to do. I was an emotional mess - I looked at my "before" pictures and just cried. I didn't realize that I was that ugly. I have a hard time believing that that is me in those pictures. Now mind you, I haven't lost all that much since those pictures were taken (which makes me feel like a post-op, ugly failure). I've lost around 35 pounds. While I know that's a lot of weight, I feel that it should be more. I'm not as committed to this as I need to be and I don't know WHY. Maybe I need some help from a Pysch or something. I just feel out of control with my bad eating. I can't stop myself from eating the crap that got me fat in the first place. When I'm depressed, I turn to food - how do I turn that part of my brain off? You're not alone in this, and I know I'm not either. I've been on the boards lurking all day waiting for someone to give me the green light to vent my frustrations. I don't want to be a whiner, I want to help. I want to be a success, not a failure, but I'm failing fast. Maureen - I'm here for you. I wish I had that magical silver bullet that would help us, but I don't. I can just let you know that you're not alone. It makes me feel so much better that I'm not alone either. Thanks for your post! -Wendy

You two are not alone. I'm not having as much physical problems eating but there are times when the emotional thing really hits hard. I guess we have to realize that they did surgery on our stomachs, not our heads. For decades I have turned to comfort foods when I was stressed or unhappy. It is not easy giving that up. But, when I am honest with myself, I realize that my friendship with food was not really very satisfying anyway. At the time, I just did not think about it. It is emotionally exhausting to keep having to remind myself that food betrayed me, but that is the only way I know to keep working at this new life. I hear it gets easier, and some days I believe it! I hope tomorrow is one of those days for all of us! Joy

Well said, Joy, as always. Thank you. M.

Wendy, if the picture of you that accompanies your posts is a "before" picture then how can you possibly see anything but beauty and kindness radiating from that face? Ugly??? No way. I am sorry to learn how you're feeling and doing, but I'm not sorry that you posted your feelings. Please never be afraid to talk to us, that's what we're here for. How many times have you said the same to me? I absolutely understand all of what you're feeling and, like you, I am considering finding a therapist to talk to about all of this. Listen, the changes are drastic! We went into this surgery because nothing worked for us! We spent years living in shame and embarrassment because we could not get the weight off! Now, we are losing and our minds are changing as well as our bodies. There are so many new issues to deal with -- one of the most difficult for me is how differently I am treated by the rest of the world now that I've lost a measly 70 lbs. People are no longer pointing me out to their children as they whisper into their little ears about the fat lady; people look into my eyes now instead of at my stomache when I am having a conversation with them; I haven't heard a snicker or a pig snort in months. Suddenly I'm worthy of living to the rest of the world? Please. I feel as defensive now as I did when I was the subject of their ridicule, perhaps even more so. Anyway, there is a lot to contend with now but no matter what we are here for each other. Take a moment for yourself and try to figure out what's causing you to feel so unhappy. Make a list. Then, decide if you can attempt to change things on your own, or find someone to help you sort thourgh it all. And as far as your own perception of your physicality, remember this (and it may be hard to hear): we tell ourselves what we need to hear in order to give ourselves permission to behave in a certain way, good or bad. I used to see nothing but ugliness in my face, I thought I was the ugliest human being on the planet. That gave me permission to hurt myself with food all the time because if I had such strong feelings of self-loathing, there was no reason to take care of myself. Self-care starts with self-love, darling Wendy. Self-care starts with self-love. Be good to yourself. Maureen

Maureen, Thanks for your words of kindness. It's true - I am my own worst critic & my own worst enemy. I think what you said about giving ourselves permission to behave in a certain way is right on target with me. I had some doubts prior to surgery that I probably should have addressed w/ a therapist. I'm almost afraid to be thin - I know that sounds crazy, but I've been afraid that I'm going to be a different person on the inside. That once I become "normal", life as I know it will cease. I have the personality of a happy fat person. I'm very out-going, very friendly, etc. If I'm a normal size person, I'm afraid that my personality will be too big for me and I'll be obnoxious. Does that make sense? It's an issue I've been concerned with ever since I started this journey. Maybe subconsciously I'm sabatoging my efforts because I'm terrified of the outcome. OMG - I'm nuts! I need help! UGH!!! I'm going to take your suggestion of making a list of the things that are making me unhappy and see if I can't do something to change them. If I can't tackle my demons on my own (with the support of my friends and family - y'all are included in that category!), then I will seek to get help somewhere safe (therapist?). Anyway, thanks again for your kind words. I really think I need to take a look within and not worry about the exterior part right now. I think if I can work on the inside, the outside will follow. You guys are wonderful. It makes me feel so good to know that I have support unconditionally. It means the world to me. You all don't know how much you've helped me through all of this. There have been really bleak, dark days and if I didn't have this board to come to, I would be in a terrible state of depression right about now. Thanks again, Maureen for bringing all this to the forefront for me. I'm a work in progress!! Love y'all! -Wendy

You're welcome, sweetie. Remember, you're not in this alone. Take care and keep us posted on how you're feeling. And thank YOU for your help. Maureen

Here are some suggestions: 1. For Japanese, try hamachi sashimi (any sashimi will do but this tastes kind of buttery, so I like it) and edamame (soy beans lightly salted and parboiled, a pure protein source). 2. Refried bean burrito in a corn tortilla (no flour). On the side include grated cheddar cheese and cut-up tomato. 3. Ground turkey chili. Brown the turkey and add chicken stock and dark kidney beans (I think the lighter ones are mushy and disgusting but maybe that's just me). Season a little for taste. l lb. makes 4 batches, which you can freeze or take to work to zap. If the things are you are eating are disagreeing, then you may be eating too wide a variety of things for the stage you are in. Go back to low carb yoghurt, non-sugar applesauce and dishes like the above. Non-fat cottage cheese and so on. Eat only 3 times per day, just make a decision it will be that way. You need to pamper yourself like you were just out of surgery where you energy is concerned. For a treat at the end of the meal, a sugar free popsicle (there is a plain old fudgsicle sugar free and 40 calories, do not buy the others which are as much as 180 calories, no good). Do not eat: bread (clumps) rice (expands in the pouch) popcorn (expands chicken (clumps) fibrous veggies, such as asparagus Small amounts of fruit are okay as dessert (1/4 c.) Avoid skins and seeds. (I have no trouble with seeds, i.e., I can eat strawberries, but not everyone is so fortunate.) No doubt there are people who can eat these things but the above list has been normed on many patients, not just the lucky few. Be gentle with yourself about how much you can take on right. Hope that helps. Gano

Maureen, If I were you I would be at my surgeons having him check. Sure sounds like something is not right. I can now eat just about anything, it only hurts if I don't chew enough-but that is rare. Your slow weight loss might be because your body is in starvation mode. Your lack of energy might be you need an additional supplement-your surgeon should check your levels. Mine has me take a prescription iron capual daily that I will take forever...and my energy level has really gone up. Don't give up. If your surgeon won't help ask your doctor to check your levels. Good Luck. Donna

Thanks Donna. My bloodwork checked out fine a month ago, and my vitamin has iron in it. I'm more concerned with the problems I'm having with my pouch, the pain and vomiting. But I won't let it go too long without seeing my surgeon. M.