My marriage is over!

Hi everyone... This is hard for me to write..but I have to get it out there in a safe environment... I have been happily married to a great, wonderfully handsome, caring, man for 13 years. We fell in love in college and have been together ever since. I can't tell you how I felt like I hit the jackpot when we got married. He is the best. I have never been thin, weight has never been an issue at all! This is not a weight related issue.. We have 2 young daughters (4 and 2) and I thought things were going really well. He has been supportive about my deicison to have WLS, and knew how important it was for me to want to be an 'active' participant in my families lives. He is 140 pounds soaking wet! Drives me nuts... Anyway...as the title of this message says...its over... You would think that would be bad enough..but this is the real kicker.. He's gay. We were married 9 years before we ever started having kids, not that in anyway I regret my kids because they are the biggest blessing in the world..but geeeshh..you couldnt have figured this out before NOW? He says no. It is just in the last 18 months or so... I know that there are a variety of opinions out in the world on the gay issue, on whether its a choice, or in the genes, or biological...etc.. I have heard them all, read up on them all and understand both sides of this somewhat controversial issue..however..the point is...even if this is a 'choice' and not a predisposed thing...its the 'choice' he is choosing. He says...'why would I do this to you if it werent who I really am..I am risking everything here..." Of course I am devastated..the worse part of all this is..I found this out on New Years Day..but had to keep it from everyone in my life b/c I was afraid I wouldnt be approved for surgery. So I told NO ONE for months..and lived in my own private hell..and had surgery in march. THere is soo much more to this story...but I am not all that comfortable airing ALL my dirty laundry in this place...needless to say I am in a really bad way..and I hate to admit this..but my eating is effected. I know I have to get that under control. Its all emotional..but I am a wreck. I do now know that there is someone in his life, and he is actually moving in with (part time) this week. The part I am most proud about is how we will parent our kids. I thought I came up with this idea..(but I guess dr. phil calls it nesting) Anyway...we are keeping our house, and are kids are going to STAY here, and WE are going to rotate in and out. Rather then shuffling them off with suitcases (which I know has to happen in some cases)..but we want to do this for our girls. He will be here 3 nights a week and me 4. They will sleep in their own safe, secure beds and wake up every morning with Mom or Dad. We are trying to maintain a friendship..though I could 'rip him a new one' I am so angry..I am way past sad! I have to deal with that part in my therapy sessions!! Anyway..we are now telling people, including our families, and friends, and for some reason I wanted to share it here with all my fellow marchers ...you all are great! Thanks for listening..(well...reading) Kris

Kris I am so sorry for you. I had a hubby who left me also. Now i have a great man for over 15 years. It sounds like a good thing you are doing for the kids but i dont know how long that will last. Are you both going to have another place to live or stay with someone or ?? Thats the only thing that gets me. If you cant trust him do you really want him in your house 3 nights a week. Just something to think about. LaRhonda

Kris, I am so sorry. The part of your note that give the most encouragement is that you are in therapy. What a terrible thing to be going through at the same time as your WLS! Actually, what a terrible thing to go through at all!!! You are a real inspiration in your dedication to parenting. Your kids will be fine somehow, as long as you take care of yourself. Keep talking. There is good for you in your future. Unfortunately, you are not alone. Many others have gone where you are and survived it. I can tell you are a survivor too. You are in my prayers, that you can weather this and come out stronger, and that you can maintain a productive partnership with your husband in raising the little ones. You seem very balanced in spite of what has happened!! The food issues will settle down. Be kind to yourself!! Joy

(((((((Kris)))))))) I am so sorry that you have to deal with this right now (or ever). I am glad that you are in therapy and have a safe place to talk it out. Does your family know yet? I pray that they are supportive of your choices and can keep a positive approach for your childrens sake. Having never dealt with this, I can't offer any advice. Just know that you are always welcome to vent here. Please take care of yourself. You are in a critical time healthwise and need all your strength. You need to do what is right for YOU and Your Girls.

Awwww Kris. I'm so sorry. I was kinda sorta in a similar situation. Complicated story, but the long and short of it was that I felt like I had been in love with a stranger. After the relationship was over, I felt like a widow because the man I thought I knew didn't exist anymore. You sound much more together than I was. I'm so proud of you for putting your girls first. I think that what you're doing for them is wonderful. My neice and nephew go back and forth every weekend and it's so tough on them. I know this is rough right after surgery, but there's never a good time for things like this to happen. Think of it this way... New beginning with a new body. You're shedding the weight as well as shedding your old life. It will take a while, but there are many bright new dawns waiting for you. Hugs, Connie

Hi Kris, I know this must be a very difficult time for you also. But it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and that you are both doing whatever it takes to be good parents. You might want to consider checking out your local PFLAG chapter, and possibly the local gay and lesbian center. PFLAG is for parents and friends of lesbian and gay people. I say this because you might find some support from people who can relate to what you are going through right now. They might have groups for the kids, who probably also could use some friends who are in similar situations. Good luck as you begin your new life. -Donna

(((KRIS))) you should really be commended for putting your children first over your feelings for your husband. Keep your chin up and I know you're going to come through all this!!

Kris, My heart just aches for you. I hope things will get better each day as you and your childrens Dad work thru all this complicated stuff. I applaud you both for putting your childrens needs first. That truly shows you love your children and yourself. Take care and know I will be lifting you in prayer. Janelle

Geeze! That's gotta burn and I feel for ya! I have something to add to the 'choice' part of the issue. Please don't feel that I'm choosing sides. (Even if I was I'd side with the kids, bless their hearts!!) O.K. My brother is gay. And he's been married since about 1975 to the same woman. (she gets on my nerves but what the hay right?) So, my family has this gene thing set up... All the males are skinny as rails and tend toward alcoholics. The women don't drink and are ALL MO. Then there's my brother.... he had WLS four years ago and doesn't drink a drop. We've all had ideas that he may have been gay but when the subject came up it was always strongly denied. Now after almost 30 years of marriage he has told his wife he has 'gay feelings' and she's trying to accept it. So for what it's worth it may be that being gay really isn't a choice per say. Now for you Kris, I really do think the nesting thing is wonderful and it's awesome that you can trust yourself and him enough to give it a go. Just that you thought of it and he accepted it shows what wonderful parents you are. Know that your husband being gay is in no way a reflection on you as a woman. You are on your way to being better than ever and if it gets sticky just know that the new you is what he's missing out on! Now a funny.... Haven't I heard somewhere that all the good ones are either married (to someone else) or gay? Good luck and know that while it may not be easy things worth doing or having rarely are! Love and Hugs, Gayle

DON'T LET THIS STOP YOU FROM LOSING YOUR WEIGHT . BE GOOD TO YOUR SELF !!!! I WAS MARRIED TO TWO OF THE MOST MISERABLE MEN IN THIS WORLD. AFTER THE SECOND DIVORCE I STAYED SINGLE FOR 27 YEARS AND AT 50 , I MARRIED THE MOST WONDERFUL MAN IN THE WORLD . SO , DON'T GIVE UP ON YOURSELF OR MEN, BECAUSE THERE ARE SOME GOOD ONES OUT THERE . I'LL KEEP YOU IN MY PRAYERS. JUDY