What kind of person will you be?

After some contemplation about personality types, it made me wonder about a few things. How do you think you will change after the weight is off? Have you considered how you will feel to navigate your world after all is said and done? The reason I ask is because I recall when I was a teen and lost a lot of weight. I was suddenly getting lots of attention from boys and although I was young enough that it probably didn't bother me as much as it would spending a lifetime as an adult not getting attention, it did make me uncomfortable. I just wasn't used to it. It was NICE, but I felt like a fake...a phony. I felt like I was hiding an ugly secret and if they found out about it, they would avoid me like the plague. Another thing that happened that I wasn't prepared for was my attitude about fat. I know now that I can pin my feelings down to having a lot of fear of gaining the weight back (which I did), but I recall wanting to avoid fat people and having a feeling of not wanting to be associated with anyone like that. I don't think I was mean to anyone really, but I remember with on of my first jobs that I was quite impatient and annoyed by a very large man who made sure to clean out the candy supply when we closed down fire camp (I worked for the Forest Svc). He really disgusted me and those feelings that I had then make me feel so sad as an adult who has struggled with obesity. It occurred to me after having listened to many people who are in various places in this journey, that some are becoming just downright mean. Certainly there is a lot of narcissism and self-centeredness that goes on as well, but more interesting is the fact that it seems that some people go through a phase of being unapologetically cruel because they can be....citing reasons of being the one who always tried to please others, and now having the freedom to not be a doormat, etc. But in the process of claiming this newfound independence it struck me how it may feel like empowerment to someone when they are going through it, but what I think it really boils down to is a need to assert leverage and perhaps even at times strike out at others because of a sense of always having be the object of someone else's abuse in the past. The best analogy that I can give is to think of how kids are. When a kid isn't in the popular group and is picked on, then suddenly are taken in by the popular group, they almost eagerly join in on the abuse against another victim....happy that it is not them and not wanting to jeapordize their new status. I'm not bringing this up to chastise anyone or point fingers, but rather to illuminate to all of us who are starting out on our journeys what may lie ahead. I really do not want to let meanness take over my life. I don't want to avoid, I don't want to strike out, and I don't want to focus so intensely on myself that I don't see anyone else....whether that be someone struggling with their own obesity, their weight loss surgery or the people in my life who matter. I have experienced it myself in the past as an immature teen and young adult, and maybe because I did go through that I have a unique perspective. I recall seeing a post on another forum some time ago where a woman was upset because she couldn't understand why she had these intense feelings of hate and disgust when she was around a fat person. She couldn't understand it and it was obvious she was not wanting to feel that way. From my perspective I felt as if she was dealing with what I dealt with as a teen, but was able to put it into words as an adult. But the thing that struck me most was the fact that here she was, an adult, and feeling those same negative feelings. Fear is what I feel it boils down to. Fear of becoming that again -- fear it is contagious. Fear you will never escape the reality of the former you. Fear of being "found out." It's something that I think is going to happen to some of us. And it's something that I really think we should all spend time contemplating. We know we are about to embark upon a journey that will change our lives, and I think we owe it to ourselves to analyze how we feel now so we can prepare for those emotions when they do hit. Certainly there are some people who will be fine and not be affected like this. But some of us will....and the worst part is that sometimes it's with the people who least expect it. Like me, when I was a kid, I always thought I would want to be nice to others with weight problems. I had a lot of pain in my heart over how I was treated and a lot of compassion for others in the same boat. Yet there I was, letting fear dictate how I dealt with others. My resolve this time out now that I recognize this, is to be there, and not turn my back on others out of fear. Dina

I recall once hearing that you can not overcome something you do not hate... maybe that is some sort of natural defense that protects us humans from backsliding??? who knows but I smoked for 22 years and cant stand the smell and feel complete disgust for those who still smoke.. i have two over weight teens and sometimes have to fight the urge to be insensitive... then again, they(my teens) think i took the "easy way out" by having surgery. Andie

Wow - interesting dynamic you have going on within your home. I think as a teen one tends to look at things in simplistic terms, so their reaction doesn't really surprise me. They are at the beginning of their lives and have time to correct their behavior....or so it seems. As for smoking, I quit 6 years ago and feel differently, but perhaps that comes, again, from a different experience. I was in my 20's when I started smoking. I was horribly prejudiced against smokers at the time. What made me start was I was trying to lose weight and after a friend (friend???) kept urging me to try a smoke, I realized it made me nauseous so I tried using it as a substitute for food. It backfired on me, obviously! LOL! But it took me 6 years to quit and in that time I was treated like crap by many people. I suddenly had the shoe on the other foot, so I was very sensitive to other's when I quit. I felt like in a way it was God's way of pointing out how unfair and critical I was of people. Walk a mile in my shoes? Yup - I did, and then some! Dina

You know also, the reason why people tend to be angry around obese people when they have lost the weight, is because it brings back all those negative feelings. Almost like, people dont want to be reminded of who they were because it was so awful. Having to feel like you have to defend who you are and how you got so big, and all the abuse people gave, and just the feeling of total loss of control over eating patterns. I think the total loss of eating control is what aggravates people the most because it is a reminder of who they were, and that would be an almost instant negative reaction. Its true, you have to recognize that now. Everything that happens to us is for a very specific purpose. We went through being obese to learn a lesson...to understand a painful side of life. Everything happens for a reason and this is just a growth step for us. We learn about how people feel being overweight, the terrible sadness, hurt, pain, anger, & frustration etc... But we have to also learn that we need to REMEMBER those feelings and WHY we were in the situation we were in to begin with. REMEMBER and be sensitive to those who are "growing" themselves and "learning" the hard lesson of life that is being obese. We are no better than anyone that is overweight. If anything (looking at it through skinny eyes) we would be at a loss of that specific knowledge if we hadnt been obese. Hense that (skinny person) could (and most likely is) going to be less sensitive and less understanding of the emotional pain and feeling of helplessness. I think most of us that may have been thinner as youths have learned that lesson now. We all have another tool besides our small pouch, we have an experience to draw upon if those bad traits come forward, if we ever become desensitized, all we have to do is remember. In a way, obesity is a gift to make us better people in the long run. I DEFINITELY have grown ALOT from my terrible obesity ordeal and am grateful for becomming a better person! Which I am sure is all part of God's perfect plan! Elizabeth M

Elizabeth- you are so right. I do think sometimes God lets us experience things so we will have more compassion. Part of that perfect plan! Dina

Dina, what a great thread to begin. You ask a question that we all consider only fleetingly or perhaps in our twilight sleep as we imagine ourselves living differently. I, too, share dread of associating myself with morbidly obese people -- I am disgusted to even admit this. How can this be after living the life of a morbidly obese person for all these years? I remember a few years ago when I tried therapy to help me get to the root of why I could not win the fat battle, the therapist asked me specifically about this issue -- how do I feel about fat people? I hedged until she asked me how I would feel if my husband became morbidly obese (Jim is 6'2" and has weight between 185-190 for all of his adult life). I told her I would leave him. Can you believe that? I told her there would be no way that I would remain attracted to him. Me, a woman who has denied her husband sex for very long periods of time because of my body and the way I feel about myself. How could I be so low, so shallow? Well, I wasn't shallow, as you so elequently point out. I was TERRIFIED. Afraid that people would see me for who and what I was -- a grotesquely fat woman -- if I associated with other fat people. I was so much in denial, trying to "pretend" that I was normal in order to stay sane in a normal world -- trying to keep a job, be a PTO mother, all those things that have us "out there" in the world...trying to pretend that I was just fine, perfectly normal...What utter bull. Thank you, Dina, for bringing this up. I am already changing and people are seeing that difference, more in my personality rather than in my physical shape. 51 lbs. down and I am calmer. I am more reasonable. I am going to give this some more thought and then I plan to commit some personal promises to this group in terms of how I will be when it's all said and done. God bless and be well, Maureen

You know - I remember when I was starting to gain the weight back in high school that I went to an away game and met up with a girl from the other school who I got along great with. She was funny and smart and we were both immature teeny bops running around. She was a lot like me and a bit fatter than me as well as shorter. This was a school I went to when I was younger and I was picked on for being fat, so it traumatized me. Well, when some of my childhood bullies saw us walking together they started making all kinds of mean comments to both of us and suddenly I had this urge to run away from her. I had been able to avoid those nasty comments for a couple years, but suddenly here it was in my face again. I really disliked that girl after that and avoided being seen with her the rest of the time I was there. I immediately associated her with my pain and essentially blamed her for it. I tried to joke it off at the time, and I know I probably disguised my true feelings pretty well. And she probably thought I was wanting to avoid walking certain places because they picked on both of us, but inside I knew it was because I didn't want to be seen with her. I felt like associating myself with her emphasized my fat. Almost like by myself - as you state - you can pretend to be normal and feel less vulnerable. But once you are with another fat person, it's hard to not be noticed. At least that was my experience then. Funny thing is, way back then I was struggling with myself because I was around 160-165, mayyyyyyyybe 170 at the time. I'd be thrilled to be there again! Dina

For a lighter look at this dynamic, go to Jennifer Garner's 13 going on 30. The issue isn't obesity BUT what people go through (and do to themselves) trying to belong, so strong is that human need. I think it's more than important to drill down to the fear level. Until we confront our fear, we are so at risk for sliding back. Projecting (putting out there what you're afraid of in here) is as much a self-sabotaging pattern and the thinking that causes us to snack ("I deserve it," "I'm so tired I can't do it any differently," and so on). As I watch Dr. Phil's Weight Loss Challenge bomb (and I really think it has, though by virtue of all the attention maybe 3 of 13 have made genuine progress instead of 1 in 20, granted we don't know if it will last for those 3), and read the People magazine about those who fail, this is very much in the forefront of my mind. In all cases, it is the emotional level that has stood in that person's way. It's hard to know you have to confront everything in your life that holds you back. We just can't afford the bad patterns. Maybe somebody else somewhere could, but I know I can't. I am having to break many patterns in my family, confront my husband, and it isn't pleasant. Will we come through this? I don't know. I just know that if I want to be healthy and not go back, I have to do all that as much as I have to go to the gym. Being fat protected me and lulled everyone else into this cocoon of pushing problems away. Gano

Dina, I'm finding that there are few things that people react to as emotionally as weight. It's very interesting to me. About 6 years ago I lost 80 pounds. I did it by eating about 800 calories a day, less than 20 grams of fat a day, almost no carbs and being in the gym at least 4 hours, six days a week. I was eating as if I'd had surgery, but without the benefits of surgery. I had never felt physically better in my life, but I was constantly hungry and constantly beating myself up for not losing more, wanting to eat and being fat in the first place. I can't tell you how many times I said, "If people could just feel how good I feel physically for one day, they'd never over eat again." I just thought everyone was unaware and not trying hard enough. How stupid was that? When I gained the weight back and then some, I really gave myself an emotional pummeling. I've finally forgiven myself for not keeping weight off before. I've finally realized, that for me anyway, weight gain had nothing to do with will power and stopped feeling guilty. I've stopped beating myself up for being "weak." I've just accepted the fact that I was genetically and habitually geared to being fat and the odds were against me without this surgery. Once I accepted and forgave myself, it was so much easier to not judge others. Now I find myself wanting to be a weight loss surgery evangalist. So far I've managed to not go up to people in Wal-Mart and hand them my surgeon's card. I just feel soooooo bad for people who are struggling in obesity hell without a light at the end of the tunnel. Dina, I've taken your post to heart and hope that I continue to feel this way. I hope that I always remember how miserable and bereft of hope I felt 50 pounds ago. I hope that I stay humble enough to realize that I don't have all the answers and I really know nothing. I pray all the time that I never forget where I came from. Now I'm finding that people are reacting to my weight loss in some interesting ways. My mother has started a diet and is at the gym in her retirement community center everyday. One of my co-workers defensively tells me every day all the reasons she won't have this surgery, though no one's asking her to. Another co-worker tells me regularly that she just hates me now (sort of joking, but not really). My best friend is admitedly terrified that I will be smaller than her and is dieting like a demon. I've never been smaller than her in the 18 years that I've known her, even when I lost 80 pounds, and she's having a tough time with it. This all amuses me on one level, but it also saddens me to know that I'm an impetus for weight loss. Is it so horrible for these people to know that I now or will weigh less than most of them? I'm a little dismayed that I was a barometer of "Well, at least I'm not as big as Connie." Connie

I remember those cruel high school days. I was always the picked on fat kid, then in my sophmore year I shot up several inches and grew into my body - so what did I do? I started singing the jello song about a fat girl in my gym class (watch it wiggle, see it jiggle) - and got everyone singing it about her. I am horrified now that I could have done that - by the time I graduated HS I was a Lane Bryant regular and about 200 lbs. I still cant believe how cruel I was to that girl, and sometimes think I became fat as a punishment. but I was always big before that point, so that logic doesnt hold out. I also as a kid used to mercilessly make fun of my uncle who had gastric surgery and had to get it reversed - he had lost down to the hundred and something range and gained back up to the 600 lb range - then he got stapled and burst the staples. I thought it was hilarious that someone would do that to themselves. Now look where I am. -Sherrie