flattered and upset.
First of all...hey guys. Sorry I haven't been around. I came back, promised myself I was going to be coming around more often and then let life get in the way again. Work has been crazy busy, but really good.
So...anway...back to my 'wow moment' and gripe.
I hate that they are one in the same, but it was a huge realization for me.
I have heard so many people talk about how they were invisible before surgery. That they were treated differently when they were heavy and that people's reactions in stores are so much different now then they used to. I have to admit, I never noticed before. I didn't see that I was ignored, not waited on, treated differently. Maybe I didn't want to see it, maybe it's different in Hawaii because obesity is an epidemic here, I don't know. I have started to notice it now. I never realized how invisible I was before. I know in some ways that was why I kept the weight for so long. It was safe, I was invisible, it was easier, lonely but easier. Anyway...I flew to one of the other islands for a conference on Thursday night and came home yesterday. While at the conference one of the teachers I was sitting next too started talking to me as soon as I sat down. I don't know if he was just a nice guy that would have done the same a year ago when I was at my heaviest or if I was more approachable now because I look better, feel better and am skinnier. No way of knowing I suppose. But then on the flight I was sittng next to two good looking guys, both my age, and we talked the whole flight back. Almost every other flght where I have had someone to sit next to, I almost never spoke to them. Male or female, it didn't matter. While I was in Oahu, men smiled at me when we were at the mall, I had several guys try to talk to me while I was at the bar with my brother-in-law, I felt the attention I never had before. It was incredible. It felt so good. I felt attractive, interesting, wanted, beautiful....it was an awesome moment. But then I started thinking...even in Hawaii where obesity is a norm, weight still dictates how people react to one another. I know so many beautiful people that are over weight. It makes me so angry that weigh and physical appearance makes such a difference. the prejudice again people that are overweight is huge, I am angry that I never noticed it before, and thankful at the same time that I was never knowingly hurt by it before. But it makes me angry that society is set up that way. That if you don't have a skinny waste, big boobs, and strive to look like a magazine model you are worth talking to, you're not considered attractive. I know for me it's one of the reasons why I had the surgery. I wanted to feel attractive and look attractive to other people. But I think my assets are my personality, my humor, my intelligence, not mu bust size. So why should my dress size matter? Why can men look at me now and tell me they are attracted to my brains, my intelligence, my laugh when they weren't before? What does my dress size have to do with my laugh and wit??? It makes me sad to think of all of the people that are alone or unhappy because people claim to think intelligence is important, yet not pay attention to intelligent fat people.
Alright...I don't know if that all made complete sense. But it was an eye opening experience. I am thrilled with my success since surgery. I have lost 150lbs, gone from a size 26 to a 14-12 and have more energy and apparently look years younger. I am happy, excited about life, about my future, and not afraid of looking attractive and dating. But it makes me sad that gaining weight perpetuated my loneliness and insecurity which perpetuated my weight gain....etc, etc, etc. I remember always thinking...I know when I find a man that likes me for what's on the inside I will lose weight, because I didn't want to think that the physical mattered so much. Or I didn't want to be with someone who cared so much about the physical. Was I insane?
Ok...I'm done.
I hope everyone is doing fabulously.
It's sad, but true. People ignore fat people. Who knows why exactly. We probably all get much more attention than before. It's like our intelligence and opinions matter more coming from a thinner person than a fat person. It shouldn't matter to society, but for some freaky reason, it does. It's not fair!
Karla
337/189/150
This is so true and so sad. I have made a point since surgery to make sure I personally make effort to talk to everyone I come across. Perhaps if we make all efforts others will pick up on it. Probably not but sounds good anyway. You should be proud of the way you look...You worked hard ast getting there.
Congrats....
~~hugs and well wishes~~
Chris
I just had a similar experience while shopping . I as searching through toms of rolls of gift wrap and a whole box fell over! I was definetely embarassed, but I had to pick it up right?! Well, the thing weighed a lot and can I tell you within seconds not 1 but 2 men came to my rescue. Now I know before I would have been there struggling by myself for a while to pick that huge box up. It was weird and as soon as they helped me I thought about how it used to be when I was 300 pounds. It's sad that I couldn't just believe they were both doing something nice. Ah Well, I hope in time that perception changes.
Shannon
I totally understand, I have a little different take on it though. I knew when I was fat I was unattractive to people therefore I felt safe I could walk thru the parking lot at night, I didn't have to fend off advances when we went out etc... I was very safe I think inside that is the reason that every diet I ever had failed as soon as I lost about 25 pounds and started to feel better about the way I look. I am trying very hard now to be more confident and break those old thoughts but its hard ..........sometimes I just grab and old 3X hoodie and put it on for a trip to the mall just to be invisible ( I know thats sick)
I UNDERSTAND
TORI
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