I have been overweight since the age of 8. The school nurse had som diagramme and shoved my weight curve and that it now had cross the line for normal weight in to overweight.

I had never been the skinny type but it was still hard knowing that I wasn't normal as the other. That year I also had to change school, and my new classmates weren't that nice to me. But they would get worse later.

My grandmother taught me to comfort myself with food. Everytime we visited her she had stashed away a small chocolate bar for me  in a special jar in her pantry.  I was her only grandchild and probably spoiled rotten. Everytime I got sad or felt anything at my grandmothers home I always got one of her homemade cookies.  Since my parents did have so much problems of their own they never really had the time for me, but granny always had. She became my biggest rolemodel, and she had a really big sweet tooth.

My parents is a whole other story, we can just say that my childhood wasn't what it should have been. And that my parents weren't the parents they should have been.  I think they did their best, but unfortuneatly for me they were to damaged of their own history. 

I developed a food addiction that grow worse over the years. I ate all my mother's cookies leaving empty boxes in our freeze. She wasn't happy about it, she even started to write liver, meatballs and similar on the boxes with cookies to make me leave them alone.  But I just started to make the dough to a kind of chocolate balls that swedish kids love. I never gave me the time to make the actual balls and roll them in shredded coconut and put them in the fridge like you are supposed to. I just poured the shredded coconut directly in to the dough and then took a spoon and ate  from the bowl.

When I grew older I started to get an amount of money every month. But the money was gone in two days. I didn't dare to spend all the money in the same store, so I went to three different just buying a small amount of candy, cookies, potatoe chips, ice cream and chocolate in each.  Then I went home with all I have bought and ate it all in less then two hours before mom  came home from work.  I ate until I was one potatoe chip from throwing up.  Then I laid on my bed like a whale that stranded on a beach.  And still I managed to eat supper with my mom, today I don't understand how I did it.

By this time I was about 16 years old and weighed about 240 lbs, one day two of my friends took me to the school cafeteria they pointed out the fattest girl at our school she was buying a chocolate bar and they said to me: Look at her, she is so fat and still she buys chocolate. She certainly don't need to eat that, don't you get discusted when she buys chocolate? You should know that people get equaly discusted when you buy chocolate. 

After their comment  I froze, and from that day it took me almost 10 years to dare eat so people saw me (with exception of my closest family).  I stopped eating lunch at school, which made my afternoon binging get really bad. I skipped classes so that I could stay home and eat. 

My weight was getting higher and higher. By the age of 20  I weighed  286 lbs. Then I moved into a house where they treated young people with psychological issues caused by a bad childhood.  I got help to deal with the black hole inside of me. But they only treated my head and they didn't care that I gained almost 70 lbs during my years there.

When I moved to my first appartment I was 26 years old. And I lost 22 lbs just by living on my own, with a more restricted budget.  My total weight was then about 330 lbs. And I remain at that weight for almost 5 years.  I of course had some problems being so large, but not more then I could handle it. I managed my life pretty well.  I studied and made really nice grades. I did the swedish correspondence to the American SAT and I actually got the highest score possible. I would be able to chose freely which eduction I wanted at the University, not having to worry about being approved.

I started with a philosophy class at the University of Gothenburg. Gothenburg is Sweden second largest city.  I loved it. I moved to a small appartment and continued my studies. I liked my life. 

I had never had a steady boyfriend, but at the age of 30 I found him.  We moved to a larger appartment after we had seen each other for 8 months. He is a true gentleman, always carring the grocery bags, driving me whereever I need to go since I don't have a drivers licence and because of that I gained weight again. During these 4 years that we have been together I have gained 110 lbs of various reasons.  

 It has been a really painful journey from 330 lbs up to 440 lbs. My life have become so bad, that I have sometimes wished that I was dead. There is so much I no longer can do.  But now I am on my way, my new life has already begun.  I am longing to become healthy, and when I do I will walk down the isle with my fiance in a gown that is a dream.  I have refused to get married before that day, because a dream gown don't look like a tent.....