i saw dr. cirangle for my post-op follow-up.  he wants me to lose 30 pounds by November 13th (for a grand total of 50 pounds in three months since my surgery).  he wants me to be at 150# by february.  that sounds like so much... but I also want to be at 150# for mardi gras.  just plain old vanity on my part. 


so dr. C asked me how many calories, carbs, grams of protein, fat, etc. i am consuming on a daily basis.  i told him that I have NO IDEA whatsoever.  i just try to be good every day.  not good enough, apparently, so I joined TheDailyPlate.com and I am tracking everything now.
It's fun to set it up but i can see how it could become a drag to do it every day.

dr. C also told me that I need to get 1500 mg of Calcium every day-- so i've been eating these cute Tums for Children pills that are cherry-flavored.  they're 750 mg so I only have to eat two a day.

I have some weird feelings about people bossing me around... my mother, sister, boyfriend and ex are all telling me that I'm not being careful about my food.  that's true but I'm still losing weight...?
just not fast enough for Dr. C's goals.

I had nightmares last night about pigging out on gummy candies, cake, etc. 

I woke up feeling guilty, of course... so I had to take a minute to calm down and start my day off on the right foot.  I did NOT eat all those things I dreamed about, even though I still feel guilty.
Obviously I'm feeling guilty about all the ways I've cheated thus far and I'm terrified that I'll just fall into an abyss of cheating.  One can cheat with ice cream and candy SO EASILY.  It's not as easy to cheat with protein because of it's inherent consistency, so there's a dangerous trap right there.
Right now I've lost 20 pounds, and in my sick mind that's all I'm gonna lose.  why am I so negative?  i guess because of 20 years of weight-loss failure-- that makes sense. 
I've been to two OA meetings so far and they've made me feel great.  So I'll continue to go that route.  Two meetings, however, is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of the committment that OA requires.  sometimes people commit to "30 meetings in 30 days."  I can't imagine accomplishing that ,but with the wealth of OA meetings that we have here in SF, I could certainly accomplish 3 meetings a week.  And then there are the other "tools of the program," such as fellowship, chatting with other OA's via the telephone, reading, writing, volunteering, etc.

When I went to the two OA meetings at my home OA group, people responded to me very nicely.  "keep coming back" was the general feeling.  you fucked up again?  so what!  keep coming back!   I love that sentiment (and several others) inherent in this 12-step program.  

Specifically, there were several members that I look up to that welcomed me back.  this is the "cool kids" LGBTIQ/ open meeting at "Our lady of Safeway" on Church street Thursday nights.  There are several hot queers that I respect (for their recovery) and that am attracted to,
nobody knows that I've done this surgery except for this sweet little newcomer.  i outed myself to her as a WLS postop just to relieve the pressure, i guess!
 

okay I've been behaving much better.  the move to the new house is almost over, and i prioritized protein and fluids today and yesterday.  last night i took a massive walk with two big dogs and my honey.  but tonight hunny is sleepin so no exercise i guess.  i ate chicken stew for dinner and that was a little too thick.  i'm worried about going back to work 'cause I sleep most of the day.  i take hyuuuuuge naps. 
BTW dave navarro is lookin sexy on MAD TV. (I may be gay but i'm not BLIND)

today i really feel like an asshole.  i'm not really following any of the dietary rules.  i try to eat things i'm not supposed to.... i don't know if I'm getting enough protein... WTF is wrong with me?  I don't even deserve the 18 pounds I've lost so far.  i haven't been careful at all.  grrr.
today i went back to my old beloved OA group... they are so intelligent and loving.  i've got to dive back into OA and work those steps-- in order to work my VSG. 
x0x0 peace and happiness to you, whoever is reading this....

i just got home from the family cabin.... i can't say I had a great food week... I didn't have all my bariatric food fixins with me (well, i couldn't find the blender at the cabin 'till the last day, etc.). 
one day I cheated and had cream of garlic & potato soup... then I crapped my guts out for a whole day and night.

sorry i had to tell the truth.  i am totally allergic to dairy now.  before this surgery I was lactose intolerant to milk and cream... now cheese too!
not cheese, my longtime lover!  oh well, I'll try those lactaid pills and see how they work.  god, I love dairy.  don't take my goddamn cheese away from me!

the one thing that I can eat that slides down and causes me no trouble is the Avgolemono soup (that I've previously mentioned) from "La Mediterranee" restaurant.  It's a greek soup that is made of pureed rice, chicken, egg and lemon.  I'm going to try to make it at home-- there's many different recipes available on the internet.  they all seem pretty time-intensive!