Post Date: 10/8/08 5:32 pm
Topic: RE: marriage last?
hi,
just browsing around and found your question, and its the same one i had.  i am close to being one year out and Ive lost over 200 lbs.  my wife, unfortunately, is having issues with this.  she was always used to being the thinner one, and so now that I'm the thin one and she weighs more than me, she is having a REALLY HARD TIME.  she says that she doesn't feel like she is good enough, even though i try like hell to tell her otherwise.  the big d word has been discussed, and i feel guilty bout my wls... and the fact that i would do it again even though i know it would affect her.  i guess what i am saying is to think about how your new self will affect your relationship, because that is the only thing that i did not take into account when i thought this thing through....hopefully, all will go well and we will stay together.next up, counseling..

thanks for listening,
Pete...

Post Date: 10/6/08 9:40 pm
Topic: marriage last?
My hubby is super fit and good looking, my weight has been an on and off issue. He loves me and occassionally gets a little jealous when someone flirts with me but mostly we have trust. I havent ever been at ideal weight as we have known each other (30lbs over in the begining).
My question is this, what problems has WLS brought to marriages and what should i be thinking of as i am waiting for my WLS?

Post Date: 10/6/08 9:28 pm
Topic: RE: HELP!!!!
I will be the patient, not the spouse but i know about cheating so her goes my thoughts. I was cheated on as a girlfriend a few times, they then failed (or were going to anyway), I was cheated on as a wife and i cant tell you the pain (well, you know) and how we tried to work it out. But out of no where sometimes i would jsut get a flash an image or thought about his infideleity and i would want to puke or beat him up or just die. The thought woudl even happen when we were having sex (so we would stop). Eventually he told me i had to get over it because though he promised to spend his life making it up to me, he couldnt really do that.
I have a friend whose hubby had a full on mistress for over a year, they are trying but i see it failing because she gets those images too and he is finally having a hard time taking her anger and rejection.
This is not always the case for everyone but my first hubby taught me that i am not a person who can get past that and that is the deep question only you can awnser. You may not like the awnser but you gotta be honest with yourself.
My friend had WLS recently and I think that she will stray, but i think that its because she has missed out on too much of life and she doesnt get everything she needs from her DH, she has told him but her refuses.
I wish you luck and dont mean to hurt anyone. I was only here checking to see how marriages work after WLS so i can have an idea since i am married (#2) and my hubby and i are so in love and he is so hot (yummy) that i worry he will become crazy since i have been biegger the whole time we are together...
Bless u!

Post Date: 10/2/08 8:16 am
Topic: RE: Spouse isues
I am so sorry you are going through this.  I have not had this issue with my husband, I told him the other night I was thinking of not having my surgery because I was so afraid, and he said I still love you no matter what you weigh, I am 320 lbs and he is 180.  THat said, if your husband doesnt love you enough to love you through this, and is now willing to give it a second chance because he sees the end result of the WLS, where was he before.  Does he know that you most likely wont have the perfect model body after the surgery?  Most of us have some sort of skin issues, tummy problems etc. Is he going to stick around for that or will that be his next excuse.  Is he supporting you because he loves you or because he thinks he'll have a trophy after wards?  Maybe have him go to some of your doctor appointments and some support groups with you so he can see what your up against,  You need him now more than ever, and not just because your going to be thin but because hes your husband and you need support. I am sorry if this all sounds crude as this is not my intention at all, I am just pointing out the reality of it.  I hope that you have more of a support system in place than just him.  I wish you the best of luck.

Post Date: 10/1/08 11:07 am
Topic: RE: Spouse isues
I think you need to have the surgery for YOU!!! Maybe when you get a little of your self confidence back, things will look much different.

If it was me in your situation (and please keep in mind I am a smartass) I would tell him "fine, stick around, feel the waters after surgery, see if you like the "new me". Just keep in mind, that PLENTY of other people will like the "new me" too-  I'l be pulling for you....but no promises."

You are not an accessory or a secret. Please remember that-

don't even know you but (((BIG HUG))))

Post Date: 9/26/08 5:07 am
Topic: RE: Sex Drive Decrease
Well, it is too months later and took your suggestion to speak with him about it and he just stated fussing and didn't want to discuss it anymore.  You know I'm crazy!

I did speak to a friend of mine who wife had WLS.  He said that he hates that his wife had the surgery because she has become more self-conscience about her body due to the excess skin.

I wonder has any other spouses experienced this problem.

Post Date: 9/22/08 9:47 pm
Topic: RE: Spouses that change

Wow lots of sad stories here...I'm sorry for each of your hurts and hope that things get better for you. I am 9 mos. post op and wanted to offer a different perspective here. Both my husband and I are overweight and I had the surgery and have lost 130 lbs. so far. He refuses to have the surgery but agreed that he would start working out with me and changing his eating habits along with me. Instead of changing his eating habits he often gets food that he knows I cannot eat and offers it too me, he encourages me to eat things that he knows are going to be bad for me. When I tell him that I am walking x amount of miles a day he tells me that I shouldn't do that because its not good for my health.

One thing I have a problem with is that while I was fat I would ask him if I was as attractive to him as maybe an ex-girlfriend and yes I know I shouldn't have been fishing for compliments but I did and he would always say that he wouldn't answer because it was a loaded question. Now if I ask him he tells me how much prettier I am and how pleases he is to be seen with me. Our sex life has improved greatly too because he finds me so attractive...etc... I spent 8 yrs. with a man who rarely told me I was nice looking and now he wants to tell me these things all the time.....it hurts now because I think here I am looking good on his arm but he doesn't care to recipocate and he wants to hinder my accomplishments as well. That may seem shallow but it is still hurtful on my end I mean now I'm like wondering why did he marry me to begin with if he wasn't attracted to me?

Those who have the wls change a great deal but so do those around us who don't sometimes we see a whole different side of this person who we thought loved us for what was inside...it is also painful to watch someone who should support us try to sabotage our success. I had to have this surgery, there was no choice because I would have died without it, I did not do it in order to look good for someone else but now that I have made changes in my life I expected him to respect those changes and help me but he hasn't.

I think there are many sides to what happens when one person has this surgery, everyone goes through changes and we all have to adjust...when we refuse to grow with change something is going to get hurt along the way...in my case it was my marriage but who knows maybe there is still hope for us. I hope there is still hope for you guys! 

 

Post Date: 9/12/08 12:14 pm
Topic: RE: HELP!!!!
Couples therapy is the answer if you want to work out your relationship. 

My husband had weight loss surgery in 2006 and looks awesome.  about a year ago he began a training program with mostly women to work on his LCSW and his MFT licensures.  THere was a woman there that pursued him.  This was the first time in a long time that a woman openly pursued him so of course he felt good, however, had problems processing his feelings about it.  This went on for about a month - my instincts told me there was something but I waited till he talked to me about it. 
We ended up going to couples therapy.  He never slept with her, he talked to me first.  Of course he kept telling me that nothing would ever happen between the two of them because he loves me and yes, I know he loves me more than anything.  However, this woman was a huntress and wasn't about to take her claws out of him willingly. 
He also knows that if he ever cheated on me all my trust would be gone for him and he didn't want to sacrifice that.  I've been married to a cheater who was also an abuser so I was not going back to that life.  Present husband knew that. 
Therapy, talking, crying, listening, to each other got us through this.  He's hot now that he's lost all his weight.  I've always seen him as being hot, we met when he was over 300 pounds and I fell in love with him, he's a gentle loving man who is not a cheater.  could never be a cheater becuse he rats himself out :-)
Our marriage is back on track.  THe woman still sends emails however he never answers any of them but tells me when they arrive and we delete them together. 
If you love each other and want to save your marriage - go to couples therapy and work on your relationship. 
God Bless

Post Date: 9/6/08 9:19 am
Topic: RE: HELP!!!!
I cheated on my partner in the 5th year of our relationship. Really bad cheat deal and emotionally abusive from me and from the man I slept with. Bless my partner. She accepted me back and we have had a solid, loving relationship for 20 more years. It doesn't go away, but it becomes part of the tapestry you have woven together. It has made our relationship stronger, but it was work, and there are echos when we deal with my upcoming WLS. I could never have kept it from my partner and then felt worthy of her love.

Healing energy going out to you.

Post Date: 9/4/08 1:19 pm
Topic: RE: HELP!!!!
The thought that trust would not be fully restored for a long time/ever makes for a valid point in how hard it would be for the cheater to live their life.

But would keeping the secret make things easier?  Forever swallowing the guilt?

And depending on the kind of person the cheater is, don't you think if they kept it quiet and "got away with it"--as in nobody ever knew--it would potentially tempt them to cheat again?

There are a lot of things people do multiple times ONLY because they didn't get caught the first time...

Post Date: 9/3/08 9:02 am
Topic: RE: HELP!!!!
It really is better when the secret is kept- once it is out their will always be trust issues and usually is the person who cheated who ends up wanting to leave because they become frustrated with not being trusted all the time. A good book you might want to check out is by Mira Kirshenbaum
Too Good to leave too bad to stay. Hope mabye that will help (: